Post # 1
Just so sad tonight about how disappointing my FI has been throughout our whole engagement and wedding planning process. My mom is dead, he was supposed to be the main one helping me with the planning and he is so insensitively not.
I truly thought he would SHINE in his role o fwedding planner helper, but he has constantly and consistently let me down so many times.I am beyond hurt, and starting to get SO angry with him inside. I’ve expressed my feelings to him but he has made no real efforts to change. I don’t want to be so mad at him like this, especially getting closer to the wedding…but with every situation where he doesnt follow through with something or walks away during a conversation about the wedding, I get more and more upset, hurt, and angry.
Did this happen to anyone else? What did you do? How did you cope?
Post # 3
Men don’t really take much notice in things and details like us women.
My FI pretty much told me to plan it how I wanted, and as long as I showed up & we were married at the end of the night, that’s all he cared about.
He has since started to care about the particulars, but not too much. When he has expressed interest in certain things, I let him have his way.
Post # 4
@trustingbride: ((Hugs)) I’m sorry that you’re going through this. If I may ask, why did you think he would “shine” in his role as planner helper? Part of a way to cope is to separate what you want to happen from what is possible. Most men don’t fully understand the wedding planning process and don’t seem to want to take part in the majority of the details. Is he letting you down with the lack of ideas or actually falling through on specific tasks like calling vendors or picking up the invitations? How does he handle the conversations where you tell him about your hurt and angry feelings?
Post # 5
How did you think he would ‘shine’? Did he express interest in planning it or did you kind of push the role on him? You still have seven months until your wedding. What kind of things did you want him to do now? He may be a little burned out if you’re talking wedding 24/7.
I’m so sorry you’re not able to have your mom with you through this. Do you have any sisters or girlfriends that you can bounce ideas off of? Men are not going to be as excited as women when it comes to this stuff. Mine just says ‘do whatever makes you happy’. That’s just the way he is, and to be honest, I’m kind of glad because I got to plan the wedding I wanted (although I sought his approval/opinion of things each step of the way).
Post # 6
@HisMoon: I thought he would shine because he is so normally sweet and sensitive. He knows the whole wedding process is so difficult for me, because my mom recently passed away and I miss her SO much. He normally tries to help me anyway he can. But not with the wedding! It’s not that he is not coming up with ideas or anything like that – it is that I give him extremely specific, TINY things to do and he doesn’t follow through with them, over and over again, despite me telling him how I feel about it calmly. When I discuss my feelings he gets defensive (unlike him) and doesn’t like to listen at first, then calms down and says he will try to do better (but then he doesn’t). I am at a loss, and I don’t know what to do… could he be having pre-wedding stress?
Post # 7
@trustingbride: When I started planning my wedding, my SO wasn’t really phased by the details. He did help with the venue and caterer, but has been about it. For my own sanity, I finally gave him tasks that I want to him to work on…such as making music playlists and figuring out our bar situation.
With that said, have you tried delegating tasks? Maybe let him know that taking a few tasks off your plate would help you out tremendously. Sometimes, I think guys sit back because they think we want all the control in the wedding planning. Remind him that the wedding day is also for him as well.
Post # 8
It could be pre-wedding stress, yes, but it could also be some passive aggressive behavior on his part. My ExH was the same exact way about everything in our life together. If his behavior is strictly related to the wedding stuff, I would sit him down and ask him if he’s feeling stressed out about it or something similar. However, if this is a part of his normal, everyday behavior, then I’m afraid there’s really not much that can change that in the short time before the wedding. Passive aggressive behavior is something that needs real therapy to get over.
If it’s just the wedding stuff, maybe it’s time to give up the ghost on having him help. Instead, try to shift other household/life tasks to him to balance out the workload in general. Also, I would try to have at least one more serious conversation with him about it but then leave it after that. There’s no point in creating such bad feelings between the two of you over the wedding when it’s just one day. Oh, I would definitely put the kibosh on him just walking away from wedding-related conversations. That’s rude as hell and only creates hurt feelings. As for coping, I think giving up on the idea of him helping might be a huge weight off your shoulders. The cycle of hope-expectations-disappointment can then end for the wedding stuff. It’s not perfect or even fair, but this might be one of those times of choosing your battles.
Post # 9
Men are not detail oriented by nature. The only part that my DH wanted to be a part of was the food and cake tasting. When I would talk to him about Colorado used on our invitations or what sort of chair covers to use, he would just say to me ‘I’m sure you have a pretty good idea already of what you want to use, do whatever you want.’
My DH did not want to be bothered by all of the little details.
Post # 10
I’ve said it many times on the board, but get the wedding list from The Knot, add what you need to do to what they have already, and hand him the list. My DH is a sweet, caring guy and was excited at first but once we got into details he thought we had all the time in the world to plan a wedding. It didn’t matter how stressed I was, he put things off.
I handed him the list, and it made him anxious because he realized how much we actually had to do. He started helping out a LOT more with calling and stuff.
If you expect your FI to help pick out dresses and pay attention to detail forget it. Men don’t care. You can do this yourself. I didn’t have help from my mom or MOH or BMs and the wedding turned out beautiful. I’m sure yours will too.
Post # 11
my man isn’t excited like that either – he looks at my pinterest site and I say “are you excited” and he says yes (we are older – 2nd marriage each). Its just a man thing and of course so sorry for your loss.