Post # 1
I’m not usually one one to vent, but I can’t help but feel a little used right now.
Back story- my fiance is going to school full time and he works about 15 hours on the weekends. I work full time (12 hour shifts, 4 to 6 days a week depending on the week.) I try to do as much of the housework as I can b/c I know how hard it is to goto school, study and work at the same time. I did it for several years before I was with FI. So basically my days off are completely filled with cleaning, laundry groceries and wedding planning. FI helps out where he can, and I do appreciate it.
But the thing is, he is REALLY needy. Like needs personal attention constantly. He’s asking for foot rubs and back massages and for me to run to the store to get him snacks every night. I dont mind doing things for him, I love him. But after work the last thing I want to do is rub his feet (I hate feet, but that besides the point) I’m a dental Hygienist so after a 12 hour shift of cleaning people’s teeth, I sometimes dont have anough stregnth left in my hands to use a can opener. And on my days off, I’m so tired by the end of the day from trying to catch things up at home I may as well have been at work. I already told him no more foot rubs on days that I work, but he’s finding new ways to be needy. And I feel terrible telling him No.
Anyways, I just needed to get that out of my head.
Post # 3
Umm that would not be ok with me. I love to pamper my FI, but it works both ways.
Post # 4
Wow!! I dont mind doing stuff for my guy but it seems the stuff he is asking you to do is a total role reversal!! It’s like the stuff a women would ask the man to do but worse!! I know how you feel that you sometimes just want to come home from work and not do anything..I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you have a busy life just like him and that you dont mind doing stuff for him but that it’s getting a bit out of control now. If he loves you he will understand.
Post # 5
Why can’t he go get the snacks each night? I don’t get it. And you work on your feet all day. Don’t you totally deserve a foot massage? From what you say, he is definitely way too needy! I would just say, “No”.
Post # 6
Not to get all philosophical on you here (because I totally understand that situation, DH is very similar!) but check out the book “The 5 Love Languages”.
It helps breakdown how people recieve and express their love for eachother, which is maybe what’s at work here? He might be more of a physical touch or quality time person whereas you might be more into acts of service. It makes more sense once you read into it.
Post # 7
lol, sorry but the only image I get when you say “rub his feet” is Gaston coming on to Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Ick!
I’d sit him down and have a loooong talk about responsibilities and expectations within your relationship. He may not realize how needy he is… but on the other hand, he may know exactly how needy he is and also know that you don’t turn him down when he asks for stuff. Going out to get snacks EVERY night is ridiculous. Man needs to learn how to go shopping and get stuff that he can portion out for a whole week or so himself.
The foot/backrubs, if a part of your relationship, are fine – but only when you are up for doing it and only once in a while. It’s not necessary for you to be doing this for him every single night, especially when he knows you have a job that is very demanding on your hands and leaves them nearly incapacitated at the end of the day.
I doubt it’s malicious, of course, but being a person with a tendency for “neediness” myself, I know how easy it is to take advantage of your partner – especially when he/she doesn’t say anything about it. So talk to him and outline what you can and can’t do and make an agreement that he’ll start being more responsible for himself AND stop being so needy toward you.
Post # 8
“I’m sorry but you need to go out and get your own snacks.”
I go to school full time and work 15 hours, too, and I would never expect all of this! Sorry but even if he’s at school full-time, he’s still probably sitting on his butt on the couch some of the day! He can clean, he can cook, he can buy one of those foot massagers from the store!
I love my FI and will run little errands or do nice things for him every once in a while, but the amount you’re describing sounds more like you’re his assistant or his mom or a combination of the two!
Post # 9
its OK to say no, its not as if you are tearing out his heart and saying i dont love you – you are simply saying honey i am tired and need to relax. if you constantly say yes then its a bad habit so this one needs to be broken
also when he asks for a massage or whatever look him in the eye and ask, “what will you do to make me feel special?”, he needs to know its about you as well
if you havent read it already, the five languages of love is a fun way to talk about what eachother can do to give/receive love
Post # 10
I have to laugh a bit…but only because I once had a quite similar problem. I work full-time, as does my husband. He does do a lot of physical work (military stuff), but I try to keep up the home as much as possible so he doesn’t have to (dishes, cleaning, laundry, dog care, etc). I could NOT get it when I first moved in with my husband…he would always be asking me to clip his fingernails for him…or his toenails…or to look at his back to see if he had any bumps or anything. Yikes!! I was SO not used to this!! I felt like a sort of monkey, being asked to groom my partner (come here so I can pick bugs out of your fur, Curious George!).
I finally asked him if he was not able to clip his nails on his own, and what he did about this BEFORE I’d moved in. It hurt his feelings, and I felt awful. 🙁 As it turns out, he just liked the feeling of being touched or the closeness of it (plus he said I was better at getting his nails to look like he hadn’t bitten them off instead of using clippers). So…I bought him a nice manicure set for Christmas one year, a foot bubble-massager, and showed him how to use both. I also made sure that I didn’t deny him the part of these activities that he enjoyed (the physical closeness)….but I did it in ways that were less (eh…how to put this) icky??? to me. I’d make sure I’d hug him more, run my hands on his arms when we watched TV together, grab his butt when walking past in the kitchen….all these little things to show physical affection that I wasn’t used to doing before (I’ve never been touchy-feely!!). Maybe you could come to a good compromise….less foot rubs and more mutual cuddling that is satisfying to you both (and for heaven’s sake, less hard on your already aching hands!!). I think the Languages of Love book is a great start too!
Post # 11
I’m over to take their quiz right now.. My next patient isn’t for 1/2 an hour 😉
I know I need to say something about it, I’m starting to get testy with him the last couple of days and I know it’s a lack of my own down time. He does know he’s needy, he’s admitted to it in the past. PLus he’s had like 4 colds since christmas, and you know what guys are like when they’re sick.. Not to make excuses for him, I need to speak up or I’m just going to end up resenting him, and I certainly dont want that. He is very sweet to me.
Post # 12
@mrs_pugetsound: Aw, this is a cute story and a good thing to realize– OP, he may just need some touchy-feely closeness!
(I don’t blame you for being grossed out by grooming him though! No thanks!)
Post # 13
You’re a better woman than I. My ex-husband used to ask me to scratch his back until he fell asleep every night. If I stopped and he was still awake, he would literally whine and kind of wiggle until I started again.
I LOVE being touchy-feely with the man I love, and will volunteer backrubs fairly often, but if you’re both putting in long workdays there’s no reason you’re obliged to do this. Frankly, a grown man demaning personal care kind of freaks me out.
You love him, so I echo PP’s responses about discussing things like this in your relationship. You can run to any drugstore on the corner and get one of those automatic foot-massager-bath thingies… you can have simul-massage time 🙂
Post # 14
I go to school full time, work 40 hours a week, and I still make an effort to cook at least a few times a week and pitch in to do my share of the housework. Yes, it’s hard, but it wouldn’t be fair for my DH to have to do everything just because I have school and work. Your FI isn’t being fair. I would have a talk with him about it – doesn’t have to be a super serious long thing, just you telling him that you want to be there for him when he really needs you, but you can’t tell when those times are because he asks you to do things for him all the time, and it is getting to be really draining and is making you irritable, and you don’t want to feel that way towards him but it’s hard when he is asking you to do things for him so often when you’re already trying hard with the housework to take some of the workload off.
Post # 15
Also- why do you have to run to the store to get him snacks? I mean, I understand late-night ice-cream cravings, but on a regular basis? He should be able to come up with a list of things he knows he likes, and go get them at the grocery store during one of his free mornings or afternoons. I’m a full-time student too, and I have a good three hours every monday morning all to myself, regardless of study load.
Post # 16
Thta’s just too much! lol…