Post # 1
Sigh. I know everyone is down, and I’ve had a few downer posts lately, but here’s another to slap on the pile.
My mom’s car was repo’ed today. She’s been unemployed since January. She gave me some money for our wedding before that happened, and I gave her what was left afterwards, and my husband used his own money to give to my brother to pay off the credit card debt he had accrued mostly from my mom using them (so total of about $3,000). Then, I was unemployed so I told her we wouldn’t really be able to give her money. Plus, I was afraid if I kept giving her money, she would just become dependent on us and not be serious about finding a job. In all honesty, I have no idea how hard she’s been looking. She is NOT the best at managing her money. She took my sister to the movies and stuff just this past week and she also bought her fake nails. I just feel like she shouldn’t be wasting the money like that. She still has my youngest brother and sister at home, and my other brother is away most of the time at college (taking summer courses and staying on campus). It’s just so hard. She’s not married and has nobody else to help her. My dad is unemployed as well so she’s not getting child support to help at all. She didn’t qualify for unemployment, and only gets $300 a month from food stamps (hubby and I easily were spending $400/m on the two of us, and we only make dinner 5 nights a week!). THANK GOD the landlord of the house she is renting is very understanding and wants her and my siblings to be able to stay there and is trying to work something out with her, but without a car, I just don’t know what will happen now. It will be impossible for her to work without a car because there is NO public transportation there. Also thank god that I just got a job myself. I REALLY don’t want to send money home, but what choice do I have really? I’m only 21 and I feel like I’ve been forced to grow up way too quickly, ever since my parents have been divorced. It’s also selfish, but I don’t want to send money home because I really want my husband and I to be able to have our OWN lives. We still live with his parents because they don’t work either and it’s chinese tradition for the kids to take care of the parents. It really just sucks. Plus, I’m trying to save money to go back to college so that at least one of us between my husband and I will have a real career, but if I have to give my mom money, when am I supposed to be able to do that? I feel like we can’t REALLY begin our life and future until then (as in, can’t move to our own place, we won’t have kids before I finish school and have a stable job, etc). It’s just so hard 🙁
If anything, this whole situation makes me soooo grateful to have my husband because he is just amazing and is my rock and comfort in such a hard time. It’s so nice to have someone to wipe the tears away sometimes.
anyway, just trying to relieve some stress and tension
Post # 3
Sounds like a really tough situation, and you sound like a really kind and loving daughter. I’m sure that whatever you decide will be the right decision.
Can your mom get into a job training program and a non-profit consumer credit counseling program?
I’m glad you have your husband too!
Post # 4
to be honest sounds like you do too much for your mother and she is too dependant on others. you are sending her money and she had credit card issues with your brother and then she is off paying for fake nails for your sister. seems like alot of people are giving her a crutch to not face reality and start taking care of herself
if this was a drug habit im sure you would be more firm in saying no to her so use the same attitude to her spending habits. there has to be a number of agencies that can help her out, plan budgets and training so give her a list, tell her you love her very much but you can only do so much and you are struggling yourself
goodluck – its not going to be easy
Post # 5
It is really hard. If it were JUST her, I wouldn’t feel so bad about it and would be even less inclined to give her money, but my young siblings are there too. She really DOES have dependency issues. Ever since my parents got divorced (she was previously a stay at home mom) and the divorce just killed her credit. She moved in with a boyfriend, things didnt work, and moved out on her own, but she found a place she couldn’t really afford and I remember utilities being shut off a couple of times that year, but she eventually got another bf, and moved in with him into his house. he was a fat jerk so she ended up moving back in with her mom, and moved back out when she found another bf that she thought was the one (she became engaged to the other two guys too), they went in together renting a HUGE house, but things didn’t work out with either (surprise surprise. we all warned her…) and he left so she was left in a house she could no way afford, and then to make things worse, she got laid off. And this is where we are today. There is no way she’d let me budget out the way she spends her money. I even tried once but she just lives beyond her means and there was no way to make it work! Besides, I’m the know it all daughter(though I’ve been right on many occasions) so she doesn’t like to take my advice. Besides, I can totally understand that as a mother, it would feel AWFUL to be depending on your young daugther and needing her help and advice, when, as the mother, it should be the otehr way around.
And get this. She’s going to school and is set to graduate in December with a bachelor’s in accounting…
Post # 6
I can relate very much. It’s very hard to make the decisions to help out or not, not because I don’t love them but what is really best for them and for us. It’s hard, but like you said lean on your fh. Mine has been more than understanding and helps me think things out. It’s not easy though.
Post # 7
I’m going to give her a call today and see what’s up. She didn’t really want to talk yesterday, understandably. But, she told me she was going to call one of the afforementioned exs (the 1st) and see if he can help her out with a car (they remained friends, he works with cars) but thats still a dependancy thing… nobody wants to help her anymore, money wise, because they’ve been doing it for so long. i feel like i’m the only one left who can help. i wish i could just bring my siblings here to take care of them, but they wouldnt want to leave their school and friends and there is literally no room for them here.
Mr. Joe and I have a nice weekend planned though, so hopefully that helps relieve some stress. ugh
Post # 8
Oh this is horrible…I second DG and want to say could she get some grants for job training?
I am very very sorry this has happened to her.
The unemployment rate is now at an all time high. Almost 10 percent. Wishing her love, and some opportunity.
Just be there for her, maybe help with groceries or utilities if you could?
Hugs to you and your mom.
Post # 9
That’s a really tough situation, but I wouldn’t stop helping. This shouldn’t be your burden, but its hard to turn your back. I would do it for you siblings. Any little thing to help your brother and sister will make a big difference in their lives.
Post # 10
I really don’t know what is out there in terms of job assistance since it’s largely a rural area. I talked to her a little bit today and asked if there was anything I can do to help, and she said that there is nothing anybody can do to help her except to give her a car… sigh. I know she’s still upset and we don’t always think properly in such states of mind, but I’m just at a loss. I was even looking at used cars in her area, thinking maybe we could buy her one with the stipulation that once she gets a job, the first thing she buys is a new car and we’ll take the car we bought, since we don’t have one and I know hubby has been wanting to buy one, but I don’t see that working out…
Post # 11
Wow, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine. On one hand I feel for your mom because the economy is even worse than ever and finding any sort of job is just hard. Well, one that will pay all the bills. Sounds like to me she may be either not looking at all or she is being too picky in her job choices. How old are your siblings living with her? I know it may be customary to take care of the parents in other cultures, but I just don’t think people can do that anymore. They have their own issues to deal with. Seems like to me if she is having such a hard time then she couldn’t afford the movies and nails. I know this sounds bad, but I would stop helping her. You have supported her enough but you are struggling as it is too! She needs to learn that she has to be an adult and take care of herself and the children who are still living with her. I hope I don’t sound mean, but I think that will be the only way she can learn from any of this and try to dig herself out of the hole made. Good luck.
Post # 12
This is a really tough situation. She’s getting a degree in accounting; that’s good – practical degrees are much more employable than others. It’s hard to be a student, a mother, and an employee at the same time, so I sympathize with that to some degree.
You seem like you feel obligated to help her, which I understand since your siblings still live at home. If you want to help, can you pay certain bills of hers rather than give her money outright? You could pay part of her rent directly to the landlord, for instance, or set up automatic bill-pay for her electric. That way you know your money is going to good use and you won’t be so frustrated if she spends irresponsibly.
Also, check out government services to help with rent and utilities. Those programs are there for a reason.
Good luck… it must be really hard to be in this position, especially when it’s your mom that needs the help and you’ve only just gotten married. I wish you all the best.
Post # 13
I had a crazy dream the other night that correlated almost exactly with everything going on. I was trying to keep my family safe while there was a tornado, my mom was dragging her feet about it (like I said go to the basement, and she said "I’ll be down there in 10minutes, or if the TV has a warning), but eventually gave in, and then once the tornado passed, it came back, tiny, through a window. I tried to destroy it, didnt work, so I tossed it out the window, but it was coming back so I shut the window and it ran into it, but it had transformed into a small bird. it fell in front of the window and was just sitting there, but had turned into a big black bird. i was trying to shoo it away so it wouldn’t bother them anymore, but it turned into a snarling black and grey wolf, but i was still trying to make it go away, by trying to kick it in the face… but then I woke up.
Talked to her a little more yesterday. I offered to help her with utlities, and asked her if she has any that are in iminent danger of being shut off, but she said she has to look… idk, personally, I’d be on top of that sort of thing… even if I can’t do anything about it, I would still be watching.
She also said she’ll be able to get more state help now since she doesn’t have her car (when she applied for medicaid and food stamps for herself, she was told her car was worth too much so only my siblings qualified).
She is applying for Section 8, which is what the landlord wanted and suggested she do. Her ex-bf is coming by later today. I don’t know if that means he is giving her a car or what. If he does, good, because otherwise Mr. Joe and I were trying to swallow the fact that we may need to buy her one with the stipulation that she gives it back as soon as she gets a job and can get her own. We don’t even have a car yet, and the idea killed hubby that we’d have to buy a car for her instead of for us, because he has been saving for about 5 or 6 years now so that he can get a car (then he dumped the all money into an engagement ring for me. I love that man).