Weddingbee boards

My BF and I are in a "long" distance relationship.  (Live a little over 1 hour from each other).  For the longest time, we used to see each other on average four days a week.  We'd often see each sort of mid week for a few hours like on a Tuesday or Wednesday evening and then we'd often spend Friday evening through Sunday evening together.  However, for the past few weeks, I've only been seeing him an average of once a week on one of the weekend days.  This has been really, really hard on me because I'm used to seeing him alot more than that.  (I know some of you bees only get to see your boyfriend once every few weeks or so, so I realize it could be much worse).  Still though, it's been really hard for me to see him so much less than what I'm used to.  He claims that he's been really busy with taxes, working on this new property he bought, etc. these past few weeks and say that's why he hasn't been available to see me more.  Even though I was sad, I've tried to be understanding about it, but I just don't know how much longer I can stand this situation because now I'm wondering is he not seeing me more JUST because he's been so busy, or has he just not WANTED to see me more?

Thursday night when he called to say good night, we made plans for him to come pick me up after work and bring me back to his house for the weekend.  Long story short, he didn't come pick me up.  Had some excuse about being too tired to do all that driving in one day.  (It actually would be kind of far out of his way to come pick me up from work and then bring me back to his house as that really would be a lot of driving on his part.  However, he could have driven to my house and then just spent the night here and then had us go back to his house in the morning for the rest of the weekend).

So, then he tells me last night that he's got to go to the mechanics in the morning, but he'll plan on getting to my house around noon.  Okay, sounds good.  He calls back later in the day and says that he has to show his new property to some potential tenants, work on his taxes, etc. and that he has a bunch of stuff to do but he'll be down later to see me.  He said he'd come see me right after he was done showing the potential tenants that property which he finished doing about 2 hours ago.  He called a little while ago and asked if he could just see me tomorrow and I got all upset because it's like he's basically rescheduled our plans two days in a row now.  I've missed him terribly all week and was totally looking forward to seeing him tonight.  He didn't even have any real reason for not seeing me tonight other than he's really tired.  Okay, I believe he might be really tired but doesn't it seem kind of sh*tty of him to make me plans with me and then basically cancel/reschedule two days in a row?  I told him I'll be really upset if he doesn't come see me tonight.  We basically got in an argument about it (over the phone).  I hung up on him (which I know I shouldn't have done) but felt like he was being a real jerk.  Have tried calling him back several times but he's not answering.

Like I said, we used to see each other on average 4 times a week.  At the beginning of our relationship, we like a lot of people had ALOT of sex.  Often a couple times a day every day that was saw each other.  I know that's not reasonable to expect it to stay at that level of intensity/frequency, & eventually it's trickled down to an average of maybe 3 times a week.  Lately, since we've only been seeing each other on average once a week, we've only been having sex once a week, and I've been missing it terribly.  Not only because it feels great but also because I miss that intimacy with him. 

I've been telling my BF alot lately how much I miss him and how it's been really hard lately only seeing him once a week or so.  He knows I'm going to be very sad and very upset if he doesn't come to see me tonight, but it looks like he's not going to come see me anyways.

I'm so sad bees.  I just don't know what to do.  I just honestly don't know how much longer I can stand this whole long distance thing if I'm only going to be able to see him once (or if I"m "lucky" twice a week).  He knows I don't want to live together unless and until we're engaged, so this just makes it even harder that things don't really seem to be progressing and we're not engaged yet. 

MissAsB,

That might be possible to move closer to each other although at this point I'd really rather not do that.  I would have been totally willing to get a place in his city had he asked me to let's say a year ago.  However, our 3 year anniversary is coming up soon, and I feel like if he doesn't even want to share a home with me after all that time (much less get engaged), why uproot my life and my daughter's life for him?  So, at this point, no I probably would not move to his city unless we were going to be sharing a home together and I would strongly prefer to be engaged first.

As far as his taxes go, I know he's been really stressed about them and so he actually did go see a professional for help with them the other day, so he's not quite as stressed about them now.  The thing is, he didn't say a word about how he's planning on working on his taxes tonight, so I really don't think that doing his taxes tonight is his reasoning for canceling our plans. 

I'm just really hurt that I've waited all week to see him and was already sad and upset that he blew off our plans for last night.  So, to have him basically blow me off yet again tonight just really, really sucks.  I feel like I've been pretty sweet to him lately too, so I have no idea why he's being lke this.  All I know is that it makes me really sad and I can't seem to stop crying ever since I got off the phone with him.  He tried to call me a few minutes ago, but I just let it go to voice mail.  (Only because I'm crying pretty hard right now, so not a good time to try and have a conversation).  I figured he'd leave a message, but he didn't. 

TheRen,

Thanks for your input.  It does seem as though we have pretty similar situations as far as both having a hard time with the long distance thing & we both don't want to live with our BF's until we're engaged first.  He just called and said he's now "thinking" about "maybe" coming down tonight so I told him that I really hope he does because I really him alot.  So, who knows whether or not he'll actually come.  However, usually if he wavers like this about whether or not to come down, most of the time he'll end up deciding NOT to come down.  So, right now my prospects for seeing him tonight aren't looking too good.  I've heard of that love languages book, but haven't read it before.  I've been meaning to order it from my library actually. 

Also, what makes this seeing him alot less than usual situation even tougher is that I can't help but worry.  I want so bad to trust my BF, but it's hard not to feel a bit paranoid and insecure when he went from wanting sex alot with me to now wanting it that often at all lately.  Now, granted he DOES have ALOT on his plate right now like basically being forced to resign from his job, tax stress, etc, and I've heard that major stress can sometimes really kill a guy's sex drive.  However, I wish he was at least just coming to SEE me more often and spend more time with me.  It doesn't help that he's really not much of a "phone" guy, so lately the six days a week I don't see him, we're not even talking on the phone much.  I mean, he'll call me a couple times a day but we almost never talk for very long.  So, I just really miss him alot.  Back to the paranoid/insecure thing, like I said I want to trust him but the combination of him cutting back our time together so much all of a sudden and the lack of sex makes me a little nervous about whether or not there might be someone else that he's recently started seeing.  He insists that's not the case and that he's just been really busy.  I hope to God he's telling the truth because I'd be just totally heartbroken if there was someone else.  My EXH had a few affairs which is why we ended up getting a divorced, and as much as I try my best to trust my BF, having a long distance relationship like this is NOT easy partially because of my insecurities due to my EXH cheating on me. Yes, I've gone to counseling regarding this.

Recessionista,

Thank you for your input.  Yes, I do drive/have my license although I don't have a car right now.  So, I'm sure he probably does get sick of always driving to see me.  However, sometimes I do take the bus to come see him, and I actually offered to take the bus to see him earlier today to try to save him the hassle of driving but he insisted that he'd drive to come see me instead.  Me taking the bus to his city today would have been a very convenient way for him to see me, especially seeing as the bus station is literally only maybe a one minute drive form his house!  That really didn't make much sense to me, but I was just like um, okay? 

Also, as far as the hanging up thing goes, yes I admit that was wrong and childish of me.  However, I knew I was about to cry, and I knew he'd probably get annoyed with my crying/think I was overreacting.  So, I just hung up on him rather than get into an argument about why was I crying, etc.  By the way, he has hung up on me several times lately which has been very upsetting to me.  Any advice everyone on the best way to handle it when he does that??  Alot of times I will call right back, get his voice mail and then leave a message basically saying I don't appreciate him hanging up on me and he needs to call back to apologize.  Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. 

Bux,

Thank you very much for your input.  I really appreciate it.  I do kind of worry that maybe he's just jerking me around.  I mean, part of me believes that he really is genuinely busy.  However, since he only lives a little over an hour away it seems like he could probably manage to come see me at least a little bit more often!  What bothers me most of all though is him making plans to see me and then canceling/rescheduling after I've already spent the whole day looking forward to seeing him.  I actually have asked him once or twice lately does he want to break up and is that why he's hardly coming to see me lately and he insists that's not the case.  In fact, he says stuff to make it sound like he does see us getting engaged/getting married.  However, it's hard not to worry that maybe he's just telling me what I want to hear since he'll do stuff like ask me to go look at rings with him but then not actually follow through with it, etc.

Recessionista,

When you say you and your FI broke up after a year of dating, do you mean your current fiance that you're with now or is an ex fiance that you were referring to?  Just curious.  I have asked him what's going on, and he basically says he feels like I've been "b*tching" too much lately.  Which I probably have been because I've been feeling very depressed and frustrated about us hardly seeing each other lately.  So, if we're talking on the phone and I guess if he's feeling like my "b*tching" about it is getting to be too much, then sometimes he'll just hang up on me.  Yes, it's not right for me to ever "b*tch" but two wrongs don't make a right, and I don't think we should ever hang up on each other either. 

Recessionista,

Yes, he still said no even after I offered to hop on the bus.  He basically said he didn't see the point since the bus would have arrived at x time in his city but then he still wasn't going to be available to hang out for at least a few more hours because of stuff that he had to do like show the apartment to prospective tenants, etc.  I figured I should probably be workign today anyway as I could use more money right now (work from home), and so I figured it would be no big deal for us to get together later in the day then we had originally planned since we were both busy with stuff we had to do.  But, he made it sound like he was absolutely, positively definitely going to come see me tonight. 

Thanks for letting me know Recessionista.  My SO and I broke up for a while too.  We broke up for a few months this past summer, and then we got back together this past September and have been together ever since.  Yes, I really do think we need to have some kind of timelines and goals here because it's just too hard to be in a long distance relationship without some kind of light at the tunnel where I know it won't be like this (hopefully) for much longer. 

Bux,

Yes, I agree that it's troubling that he'll ask me to go look at rings but then dosen't follow through with it.  He's actually done it a few times, and it breaks my heart each and every time once I realize that he's not really taking me (yet) to go look at them.  That's really great that your FI didn't ask you to go look at rings until he was actually willing and READY to take you to look at them pretty much right away.  I wish that's the way it happened with my BF.  I feel like how can he not realizing how upsetting that would be too finally have him invite me to go look at rings (and get SO excited), only to realize he wasn't really serious. 

Yes, I really do want to marry him and I'll be thrilled if he did propose to me. 

Recessionista,

No.  We don't have plans to get married this September as we're not even engaged yet.  Perhaps you have me confused with another bee on this board? 

Rachael,

That's so awesome that you and your FI see each other that often even though you live a few hours apart from each other. 

As far as the not picking up the phone thing, he has called a few times since I originally posted this message.

Last I knew, he was at Subway getting a bite to eat and then he said he'd head down after he finished his sandwich.  Then, a little while ago, he called and said he's actually NOT coming down tonight.  WTF??  It really ticks me off that we made plans, I was really looking forward to seeing him, he basically canceled our plans, then changed his mind and said he WAS coming to see me tonight, only to cancel our plans again.  He claims it's getting late and now he's too tired to come see me tonight.  I'm feeling really sad about this but also pretty angry that I feel like he basically just blew off our plans to see me for two nights in a row. 

LOL RecessionistaBride!

Something has to change with my situation and fast because I'm really feeling miserable.  I even got on antidepressants recently yet I'm STILL feeling really sad which I think kind of says alot about how upset I've been lately.

Recessionista,

I can't even remember exactly what I said to him, but I know that I got upset/angry.  It just really irritated me that I thought we had definite plans TWO nights in a row but then he rescheduled them. 

Rachael,

He actually did ask me last time he called tonight what time the first bus heads up to his city tomorrow morning, so I guess he's maybe going to suggest that I take the bus up to his place tomorrow.  So, hopefully I actually will get to see him tomorrow or else I'm going to be so upset.  Yes, he is supposedly too tired to drive tonight. 

You said..

I admit, my natural instinct when I am upset is to seperate myself from a situation until I cool down.

That sound alot like how I think my BF is.  In many ways, we have alot in common, but we actually have pretty different personality types.  I think I'm a much more emotional/sensitive person and he's alot more of the logical/rational type.  So, I think sometimes we butt heads because we both have our own styles of communicating that don't always "jive" with each other. 

Recessionista and ejs,

Thanks so much for your advice.  As far as the 2 hour drive goes, if he had just come to see me tonight and then spent the night at my house, it would have only been a one hour drive for him.  Then, we could have left in the morning to go to his house for the rest of the weekend, and then I could have taken the bus home sometime tomorrow late afternoon/evening.  So, I don't think that would have been too bad for him.  Yes, I will try to give him more space.  It hurts though to think that he might feel like he needs more space when he hasn't seen me at all for almost seven days now.  Yes though, it probably would be good for our relationship if I call him less and give him a chance to miss me a little more. 

Also, as far as being on antidepressants, I should clarify that I'm on them not only because I'm depressed about the situation with my BF but about a few different things.  However, the BF situation lately has been playing a pretty big role in my depression. 

daydreamwanderer,

Thanks so much for your advice.  Yes, I have seen Mr. Bee's post.  Seems like a great plan.  Now I just need to actually put it into action! 

As far as the 2010 wedding thing goes, that's actually not when I'm expecting/planning on us getting married since my BF and I aren't even engaged yet.  It was just a random date that I choose because when I first signed up on this site, it "made" me pick a wedding date so I just picked a totally random date.  lol

We do have Skype which seems like an awesome program, but we've never used it with each other since we both have unlimited long distance plans.  Also, yes I've tried (maybe a bit TOO much) to express to him how sad and upset it makes me to only see him on average now once a week, especially whereas I'm used to seeing him alot more, but unfortunately me verbalizing my frustration about the situation doesn't seem to have resulted in him coming to see me any more often. 

daydreamwanderer,

I think my BF might have a webcam kicking around somewhere, but I don't have one.  Maybe I can get one at some point because that would be great to be able to "see" each other during our phone chats.

Also, yes what you said about talking about expectations does make sense. 

I'm SO p*ssed and upset right now!  Yep, you've got it.  Going on three days in a row now of my BF canceling our plans (this after not seeing each at all for the past seven days).  He made it sound last night like he was definitely going to come see me today.  I talked to him on the phone a little while ago, and he basically said that he wasn't going to come see me after all tonight because he has too much stuff he has to do.  I got upset, but he held firm to not coming to see me tonight.  Then, he called me a few minutes ago and said that he will come see me tonight, but because he has so much stuff to do, he won't be showing up to my house until like 10:00 tonight.  Now, a big part of me would be thrilled just to be able to see him at all tonight, seeing as I haven't seen him at all in a week now.  However, doesn't it seem like he could probably try to make it a priority to get here a little earlier than 10:00?  That means we'd maybe get to see each other for a whopping 2 hours (if even) before he'll want to/need to go to bed.  I told him I don't know how much longer I can deal with this whole situation of barely seeing him and asked him how much longer he thinks things will be like this, and he told me for a few more weeks.  That upset me alot because I've already had to deal with barely seeing him for the past few weeks, and at first he made it sound like it would only be like this for maybe two weeks, and now it suddenly seems as though I have to deal wtih like a month+ of barely seeing him.  Since he cancelled the last few days on me, I won't be surprised if he doesn't end up coming to see me after all tonight.  He told me earlier that he'd rather just come see me after work tomorrow.

This is all so upsetting to me not only because I miss him so terribly much, but also because I almost feel like things are going backwards instead of progressing.  I feel like if he really was going to propose anytime soon that he'd make seeing me more often a priority.  He just kept telling me all the stuff he has to do which although most of it sounded pretty legitimate, it's extremely hurtful that it just feels like seeing me is at the absolute bottom of his priority list right now, even thhough he knows how sad it's making me me that we're not seeing each other more often.  I just don't understand.  He insists that he doesn't want us to breakup, but how can he expect me to be happy in the relationship when he's making it sound like he's only going to see me once a week & there's no definite end date in sight of when we'll be able to go back to seeing each other more??

I'm just really sad right now ladies. 

Thanks Ren.

That's too bad about Valentine's Day weekend.  I can just imagine how sad you were, especially since you hadn't seen him for about a month prior to that.  However, it does sound like the situation was totally out of his control since he had just lost his job, and I imagine he suddenly didn't have the extra money to make the trip to see you.  Still, that had to be really hard though.  How long have you guys been dating?