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I'm sorry, I might be confused, but the impression I got, and the impression that I'm sure your MOH has, is that your monther was paying for her hair. Did you ever contact her and explain that unfortunately your mother is not able to pay anymore? I dont' think she is dictating what you give them, but rather just voicing the fact that she is surprised by the email since you told her your mother was paying.
I think it's all about expectations. Too bad that you gave her an expectation. It's just human nature. She's not sympathizing how much hassle and trouble you're also dealing with. She probably isn't gonna hold this against you or even think about it too much afterwards so don't think about it and no need to bring it up again.
I don't think your should be mad at your MOH.
Did you acknowledge that it was a change of plans? She may have been looking forward to having her hair done for free (as a gift- as she says) and not budgeted for it- then to get an e-mail informing her that she can pay her own way or do it herself would be offputting.
It doesn't sound like she had a hissy fit or anything, but she's probably a little miffed (especially if she thought that was a GIFT). Presumably she doesn't know about the other gifts you'v already purchased and is just bummed that she won't be getting ready with you.
I agree with above posters. She was probably under the impression that it was going to be a gift and now she's surprised that she may have to pay for it.
I think you probably should have explained the situation in the first email. Acknowledged that you know you told them it would be paid for, but your mother is no longer able to pay for it and it isn't in your budget, so you would be fine with them doing their own hair. It was probably just her being surprised/confused by the fact that you said your mom was paying and then didn't mention it later.
That's what the e-mail was for - Letting everyone know that they are on their own for hair and make-up. My MOH was the only girl in my party asking if we were paying for her hair to get done. But maybe it is just surprise. It's hard for me to tell with her because she frequently complains about things. Sometimes it helps to get outside opinions on responses :)
I totally understand how quickly expenses for a wedding add up! You think you have this budget then all of a sudden it's way down and you still have more to pay for!
I agree with MissPenny that she seems more surpried than anything. She may not have responded in the way you would have liked, but just remember that she was expecting your mom to pay for this since you told her that before. Have you tried telling her how it all went down (unexpected expenses) and pointing out that, while you really wish your mom could still do this, the presents you gave them before are going to be it?
Well, seeing as how they initially thought they were getting their hair done, and now you aren't, I would be miffed if i were her, too.
Just because you paid for your own wedding and house doesn't mean it gives you the right to take-back without appropriate explanation. She's poor, too.
So is your mom paying for the wedding? is it in your personal budget at all to swing this with maybe a hair school? Personally, when I say I'm going to do something, I find a way to make it work, so yeah, i'd be annoyed. $65 is a chunk of money for hair, but i'm sure she'll look fine if she does it herself. I can do updos on my friends (nothing fancy, but better than i can do on myself!) is it possible for the girls to get together and do each others? I think that sounds fun =].
@ ejs4y8 - I never came out and said 'hey girls! I paying for all your hair to get done'. It's only an issue with my MOH because she asked me directly, and I gave her an answer based in the info I had at the time. The wedding is being paid for by me, FI and parents, so all of the money is spent. I basically explained the whole situation to her already as others mentioned above. And honestly, all of my BMs are very good at doing their own hair. I'm not insisting that they go to the salon. I'm not that unreasonable.
Ohhh, I thought you told them your mom was paying for the hair. I think it's a little presumptuous of her to ask out right like that, then. Kinda puts you in an awkward situation.
Yeah, I was a little surprised when she asked me about it too, but I figured she wanted to know if she needed to save up some money for it, so I didn't really take offense to it at the time. I just don't want her to be upset with me over something so caddy. I hate girl drama.
Just a thought here, but you said you already made them all appointments? So maybe she feels some sort of pressure like she HAS to get her hair done due to the fact that there is already an appointment in place?
If she said "What are we doing about hair" she probably wasn't asking if you were paying. She might have just wanted to know if you expected everyone to wear it a certain way or all go to the same place. I had people ask because they wanted to know if they needed to book appointments at their own salons.
Can you just cover her then, since the offer was originally put on the table?
Oh i'm sure she's not upset, just probably annoyed that what she thought was "free" she now has to take care of.
Honestly, I've dug a little with both my friends when i was in their wedding to find out what was covered. One girl was up front and said we got $50 GC's to the salon and the other said it was all pay for it yourself. Seeing as how my SIL is a stylist, I kinda needed to know if she *really* wanted us all at those salons or if I could go over to her house and have her do my hair, then show up magically pretty =]. It's always hard to ask about money
I think you shouldn't be mad at her and talk to her in person about it. We tend to come off wrong in emails. So I'm sure it is just a mis-understanding
Perhaps she could have responded different, but I think her reaction was reasonable. She was under the expectation that her hair was going to be taken care of. It's good that you let them know ahead of time, so they could make alternative arrangements. I don't think anyone would 'fault' you for not being able to provide this for your girls... all those things add up!I
I'd shoot her back an email saying you are sorry that your mom couldn't afford what she originally wanted to do and know she will look beautiful, no matter what, and you are looking forward to her standing by your side on this important day in your life.
yeah, i can see where she's coming from. She was told one thing and planned for it, and then was told another. Personally, i can't do an updo to save my life! so, i would be a little put out having to whip one up myself or spend $65+ tip at a salon. As long as you don't have any expectation about how their hair should look (please don't require them to have a certain 'do if you can't pay for it) then just gently explain the situation on the phone so she doesn't get the wrong impression via email and be done with it. But, if you want her to have a full up-do, find a way to pay for it.
your MOH asked you directly and you told her that the cost was being covered - i totally understand that now she is being told otherwise and she is disappointed. she is not "dictating" to you as you said above, but you said one thing and now saying another so obviously she is confused and now suddenly has to come up with $65 for her hair (plus whatever else she has already spent on dress/shoes/parties/gifts ect). personally i think you should be more upset with your mother than your MOH.
i totally understand that financially things change but maybe it was in the delivery of your message and how you perceived her response that is causing you to be a bit miffed right now
I'm not sure if your MOH is like me. But when I ahve to do my hair for something special, I actually spend a lot of time in advance trying to figure out how I want to wear it. Maybe she's upset, because now if she's has to do her own hair, she doesn't have that much time to think about it, or find time to try out different styles. (?)
Hey, it sounds to me like you kind of dropped the ball on communicating here. Finances are tight, and everyone understands that, but as both the bride and a friend, it's your responsibility to communicate with your MOH when plans change. It sounds to me like she went out of her way to ask about the hair plans (maybe she had hope to book a cheaper appointment elsewhere if she needed to cover the cost herself, and is now disappointed her hair can't look great on her budget for your wedding), and you really should have let her know AS SOON AS that changed, not just "oh, by the way, I know I told you this, but ... just kidding!"
I know that's not what you said, but when a person has been expecting (and been told!) one thing, and then gets a group email informing them of something else, it comes off as very impersonal and can be something of a disappointment.
I don't think you need to go back and pay for your MOH's hair, but I do think you owe her a sincere apology.
i'd respond back something like 'i know. we really wanted to be able to treat you to hair and makeup but things ended up being too much. Thanks for understanding, i am sure your hair will look great no matter what. if you aren't comfortable with doign it yourself, let's brainstorm together on how to get it to be perfect for you'
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So originally, my mom told me that she would like to make the gesture and pay for all my BMs and FGs to get their hair done ($65 x 5). But now that we've paid all the vendors, money is very tight and those 'nice gestures' are not in the budget anymore.
A couple of weeks ago, my MOH asked what we were doing for hair and make-up - like if I was going to pay for their hair to get done as the gift. I informed her that my mom wanted to pay. Fast foward to now - I sent an e-mail to my BMs explaining that I made them all hair appointments, but I don't expect them to pay $65 to get their hair done at the salon and that they can do their own hair if they want. Just let me know either way.
Today, I get a response from my MOH saying she thought that the hair appointment was her gift. When I explained the situation, she responded back with this: 'wow... okay... I wasn't counting on that. I guess I'll do it myself.'
How am I supposed to take this? She sounded kind of upset. I know that finances are tight with her too right now - but does she realize that we just paid for a whole freakin wedding and that we just bought a house?! Oh an by the way, I already got all my bridesmaids some very nice gifts months ago. It seems weird that she is sort of dictating what I give them.