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That sounds frustrating... I would just let her know gently that it's her responsibility to have it ready in time, and that you're just reminding her...and leave it at that...maybe you already have done so?
I just wanted to calm you down a little by letting you know what my own bridesmaid said, sometimes a dry cleaner place or other local alterer places can have a BM dress done/altered in just one day!....So it might be okay she's still been waiting.
I would stop asking her, and either she gets it done, or she doesn't. Seriously-it is so annyong to have people complain about money when they accept the invitation to be in your bridal party. If she doesn't get it done in time-she's not in your wedding. She wants to fight with you about it and make you feel guilty ( obvious from her comment about school clothes). Really, I would just stop worrying about it and see what happens. She'll most likely get it altered-just don't play into her drama.
If she wants to wear an ill-fitting dress, so be it. She's an adult, if she can't keep it all together, that's her problem. I think she's just pulling out a "woe is me" guilt card.
i know this probably isnt what you want to hear, but since I am from england, brides tend to pay for all bm dresses over here - some people do have lots of other costs such as clothing their children and I do think its unfair to expect them to pay out a lot to be included in YOUR bridal party
this is YOUR weddig and not hers, and therefore her priorities will be different., maybe you touched a nerve and she is struggling a bit with money...lots of people have been in financial difficulty, particularly during the recession and so she was most likely making a fair comment when she said that paying this money out was not at the top of her priority list.
do you think she should prioritise this over buying her children's school clothes?
if she literally has not got the money where do you suggests he gets it from?
feel free to completely shoot me down as i know that american brides expect their BMs to pay their own way for their outfits, but i just thought i'd put an alternative opinion out there
x
You know I get it! I really do. She's got kids and this time of year is expensive and there are lots of time consuming things going on with school and such. I do not think that you are expecting her to prioritize your wedding over her kids. I also think that as a responsible adult it is fully her responsibility to get her own shit together. Like the PP's I agree, if her clothes don't fit they don't fit and she will be the one feeling uncomfy the day of. You also have other things to be worried about so try not to stress about it. If you've already asked her about it again I'm sure it's been on her mind and if she's any kind of real friend she'll figure it out.
@dgb2010: No one is asking her to prioritize the wedding over her children. When you accept the invitation to be in a wedding, you know there is money involved and if you can't do it-say no. Don't make the bride feel bad because you said yes.
I'm in a wedding in October and I've already spent $100 on a shower gift, $150 for my portion of the shower payment, $200 on a dress, $70 on shoes, I still have to pay for my hotel, gift, hair, makeup, and bachlorette party. It's expensive, and I know it, I've budgeted for it and if I didn't want to pay that much there is the option of saying no. Being rude to the bride isn't nice. Her friend could be an adult and say "It's really tough for me right now, school has started and I just don't have the money" But making OP feel guilty for asking is mean. And that is what I have the problem with. Not the fact that she doesn't have money.
This is definitely something that you should 100% relinquish control of and just let both BM's deal with as adults. They know they have to get the dresses altered. Reminding them is just going to annoy them. People by nature like to procrastinate and the 'due date' for their dresses to fit is your wedding day, so if they want to do it the night before, that's their problem. Don't waste your time stressing over it.
And also, by constantly reminding them, you are kind of taking the responsibility away from them. It makes them think that you're 'all over it' and so they don't have to do anything, even though you are screaming for them to get it done. If you are silent about it, it puts all the burden on them to remember and go to the tailor at a reasonable time.
And FYI, none of my BM's got their dresses altered until about 1 week before my wedding.
i agree with the other posters-- don't let her make you feel bad, but don't stress about this. if she can't get her shit together, too bad for her. you can't control her actions or her priorities, and it's on her whether she pulls through.
the very best thing anyone said to me shortly before my wedding was my mom telling me that she saw her "job" as taking things off my plate/to-do list. you've done all the legwork and prep you can to get the bridesmaid ready, and at this point, it's not on your plate. it's not your responsibility. if she falls through, it's her fault and you just take a deep breath and move on.
@flamingred
i wasnt trying to make the bride feel guilty
and i'm not sure what i said "yes" to - i was just saying my opinion from a different culture, in the uk i dont know one bride who asked her bridemaids to buy their own dresses (a few people ask them to get just their shoes) but on the whole its an unwritten rule that since its your wedding and you want your friends/family to be part of it then you pay for their things - noone asks anyone - its just done that way
i did pay from my 2 BMs dresses out of my own budget - they are my 2 sisters and i chose only to have 2 bridesmaids as i could not afford to ask my 3 best friends to be BMs too , instead one is doing a reading, one is being an official witness to the wedding and the other is organising my bachelorette party)
thats all i was trying to illustrate - different ways of thinking
i did say that things will be different from an american perspective, but its always good to hear opinions from all angles so that you can get a balanced view of things
x
@dgb2010: I ment the collective "you" not you personally. sorry for the miscommunication.
I'm with ModernDaisy.
Your BM (in this thread, I didn't read the other one) I would venture is stressed out. Very good friends don't usually snap at each other as she did to you and I think I would be stressed out too if I were having financial problems (to such a degree that alterations are a big deal) and weight problems to the degree that I couldn't fit into a dress for a fast-approaching deadline, on top of the day-to-day stressors. I would be a mess and no, I probably wouldn't have my "shit" together. Some people do "call poverty" but for a lot of people, being forced to admit they're having trouble paying for something is shaming. As is being forced to admit you can't fit into a dress.
I'm not saying you shouldn't be frustrated and I recognize YOU are stressed over the wedding too, but this is your best friend. If she's acting strange, which it appears she is, try to figure out why before you take it personally.
maybe they should find a seamstress who works out of their house... My mom knew this lady (who made one of my flowergirls dresses when i was 5 years old) and she got 2 of my bridesmaids dresses done for $12. And is making my moms dress.
But i also have one other bridesmaid who ordered a size smaller hoping she can get into it, she said she hadn't tried it on for 2 weeks, and it was still about a 1/2 inch too small. Mind you my wedding is 9 days away :(
Sorry you are going thru this i hope she gets on the ball!
Look, I agree she shouldn't have said what first came to mind - but honestly think about it. When you're stressed out about money and someone keeps asking you to pour money into something that you can't afford, you're bound to snap at some point. Does it suck for you the bride? Yes. But I can guarantee you it sucks more for her knowing that she may not be able to buy school clothes for her kids.
Out of curiosity, what are the sizes of the 2 dresses that don't fit - would they be able to switch?
@dgb2010: It sounds like things are different over in England. She never said that she was asking her BM to prioritize this. If you read the post, it is clear that she has known about the expense since the beginning and has had 4+ months to get her own BM dress ready and 7 or so months to get her daughters dress ready. Obviously everyone has expenses, however the BM should have planned accordingly and shouldn't be taking this opportunity 3 weeks before the wedding to stress out the bride. If she coudln't afford it, she should have declined to be a BM. You "alternative oppinion" is irrelavent to the post!
If I were you I'd do my best to stop worrying. As sad as it'll be, I'd just nix her from the bridal party if she doens't get it done. Most likely though, she'll get it done.
*sigh* Wouldn't it be nice if people knew how to budget their money?
Perhaps if she was saving money for alterations since May, she would have plenty now and wouldn't be so stressed about school clothes. As it is, the clothes for her kids take priority, and like PPs have said, she may have to make due with a poorly fitting dress. (But in reality, are BM dresses really THAT important to tailor? I've never tailored a regular dress in my life, and they've all looked just fine...)
Now the BM who ordered a size too small...no pity. That's just silly. And if she still doesn't fit, that's her fault. I think you need a "dress check" the day before the wedding...if she can't zip the dress, she may need to wear her own.
All the girls who say "how rude!" and "But she knew for so long, didn't she save?", here's a piece of information for you that might also come in handy in married life:
Sometimes, life throws unexpected financial burdens on you that punch a hole into your savings. And you still have your regular expenses. Then you have to prioritize. Happened to me several times this year. Emergency dental work or $2,000 dress budget. Surgery to avoid cancer, or clothes shopping. Fee for expedited paper work processing to not lose the house we have under agreement or 10 additional wedding guests.
In her case, a bridesmaid dress might just be on the bottom of her list of things that urgently need to be paid for. People can't always plan their lives around your wedding. I would give her the benefit of doubt, and might take a close look at my own behavior to see if I had been too pre-occupied with my pretty princess day to notice that my friend has some serious stressors in her life.
@AprilJo2011: Well I'm married and pregnant and saving for all kinds of stuff for this kid to arrive in March, and I still think the way her BM responded is rude. She could have been nicer. And IMO school clothes aren't a curve ball. School happens every September. She should have said no to being a bridesmaid if these expenses were coming up, not made the OP feel bad for being excited about having her in the wedding. BM's RESPONSE is rude. It's passive aggressive and there are better ways to speak to someone without making her feel like an asshole because she wants everyone to look nice for her wedding. I don't believe she was being nice in her response.
I don't see where anyone on this thread said it was rude that she didn't have any money. Or that said BM"s life should revolve around the wedding. I think people think the overall way she responded was rude.
@AprilJo2011:I agree about life throwing unexpected curveballs that might take priority over altering a BM dress, but I think you took this thread kind of personal when it's just about the OP's situation. And in my opinion she wasn't scrutinizing the BM's spending priorities, she was hurt by the harsh response. And she's a stressed out bride 3 weeks from her wedding!
Ugh! I hate it when people aren't responsible for themselves. I mean, come on! You have a bridesmaid whose dress doesn't even zip up and she isn't concerned!?! What is she thinking? Is she just going to walk down the aisle with her dress unzipped? As for the other BM, I would just ignore it and let her figure it out on her own. It doesn't sound like you are going to get anywhere by talking to her. Some people just can't manage money...
Thanks for everyone's input!
For the 1st BM who snapped at my question - I wasn't asking for her to prioritize her children over my wedding - I would NEVER ask anyone to do that! She is someone who is always "broke" and cannot budget her money properly (ie: she gets about $8000/year back in taxes, she spends it w/in 1 month on things that most would consider "unnecessary"). I have lent her money numerous times in the past - especially around X-mas time so she can purchase things for her children.
The cost of dress alterations for her and her her daughter are around $50 total. I found a suit for her son @ Burlington Coat Factory for $25 - he will never wear the suit again because he grows so fast so I found an inexpensive one!
I have trouble having sympathy for people who cry about being broke when they go out to eat several times a week, let people borrow their car and not give them gas money, and who do not pay rent or groceries to feed their family (she lives w/ her parents - she receives financial support for one child, and lives rent-free, no student loans, has some credit card debt, and a car payment)
As for the 2nd BM who doesn't fit into her dress - I am not blaming her for not fitting into her dress. It sucks that she has gained weight since ordering it and was unable to loos the weight. My concern is that they will not be able to let it out enough or fix it in time for the wedding (she lives out of state so she will have to travel).
--------------------------
I have given up at this time. I have too many other loose ends to be tying up that I don't need to chase after grown adults to get them to do things.
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So I asked one of my BMs, who is one of my closest friends, like a sister to me, close w/ her family, I'm the godmother to her daughter, etc......, if she had altered her dress, altered her daughter's dress (who is a junior BM) and found a suit for her son who is the ring bearer. And this is the answer I received:
"I have more important things to spending my money on right now - like buying my kids school clothes. I don't have the money for it."
OMG OMG OMG OMG
The wedding is 3 weeks away. Her dress has been ready to pick up @ the Bridal store since May and my goddaughter's dress has been sitting in her house since February (P.S. my mother paid the $125 for her daughter's dress and she didn't even say thank you).
Mind you I am also going through another situation w/ a BM who is crying poverty too (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/dear-broke-friend)
And this same BM from that post can't fit into her dress!! I asked her last week if she had her dress altered and she said "Nope but I'm not worried about it". HUH?!?!? Your dress barely zips up half way and you are not worried about it??
Paying their way is not an option right now - we are paying for 90% of the wedding right now please an expensive honeymoon (on top of car payments, mortgage, student loans, credit card bills). They ahve not had to pay for anything else but their dress and accesories and if they want hair/makeup done the day of (which is optional). My mom throw the shower, I am paying for the hotel suite the night before, I am paying my own way for my Girl's night out (which has drastically changed due to their money issues).
FML