Weddingbee boards

Ok for background, I got engaged on Christmas Eve, 2010 and pretty much have had all of my bridesmaids since then.

I'm currently in law school and work around 30 hours a week, so I don't have a lot of time to plan nor the patience to deal with drama. I chose all 6 of my bridesmaids for a purpose and do have expectations. So please don't comment stating something along the lines of "bridesmaids are only required to showup" because etiquette tolls differently and my bridesmaids KNOW what I expect of them. If anything at all, I expect them to be reliable, courteous and considerate.

So, with that being said:

Episode #1) Engagement Party: Invitations were sent out and I notified all of my bridesmaids to please arrive an hour before the start time. One BM was working and was going to arrive late--no biggie. Two BM's were coming in from out of town and showed up on time. I excused the BM that lives 3 hours away from attending. However, my MOH at the time, "lost" her invitation, forgot about the party, asked me where it was and when it was and showed up probably 1.5-2hours late. She wore all black, I noticed though hoped it wasn't intentional. She didn't talk to anyone, but rather stayed outside chain smoking cigarettes. She then left probably thirty minutes after she arrived. She got angry with me for not talking to her more, not introducing her to people, etc. Then she made some passive-aggressive post on facebook regarding me.

Episode #2) Trying on Dresses: I invited all of my bridesmaids to go with me to try on wedding dresses and them briesmaid dresses. MOH agreed to go. I even reminded her a week before the appointment. Then I hadn't heard from her until the day before the appointment and wondered if she was still going to go, so I text her. She never texts me back. So the morning of the appointment, I text her again asking if she's going because my mom was going to drive. She states that she's going out of town and that I never gave her any notice about it. So she doesn't go. She then later uploads a bunch of pictures via mobile to facebook all from her house (she never went out of town).She then also says that she "has to get skinny first" before she tries on any dresses or gets measured. After I send her a picture of the bridesmaid dress we choose, she claims she likes it because she thinks it'll go good with her tan and dark hair. Then wants to know how she should wear her hair?

Episode #3) Showers: MOH persists that I should have a lingerie/"true romance" party 10 months before my wedding. None of the other bmaids agree. She's really irking the other bridesmaids because of the way she's treating them and the way she's treating me. I tell her that it should wait until at least 6 months before the wedding. She gets mad that I don't agree with her and goes off on me about all the expenses that she will have to pay for the showers, wedding, and bridesmaid dress and that my showers need to be spread out to suit people. Not only that, she wants to host it at my PARENTS house and she'll be the host so that she can reap the benefit of discounts. She also wanted to invite all of HER friends and HER co-workers. I tell her no because I feel uncomfortable doing that. I also have a busy schedule with law school and don't have the time to afford. She gets so mad, tells me to cancel with the lady and to uninvite all of my friends. I get another passive-aggressive facebook post about me.

After Episode #1s-3, I've caught her in many lies, feel mistreated and that she's not considering my feelings. So I try to talk to her about it, including her covering up her tattoos. She gets very defensive about everything. At that point, I'm aggravated and suggest that she just be a bridesmaid. She gets so mad at me, the conversation ended with her saying our friendship is over, never talk to her again, etc. 3 days go by without her talking to me at all so I talk to my friend that hosted the Engagement Party for me and ask her to be my MOH--which she is thrilled, absolutely ecstatic! (which was nice seeing some enthusiasm from a MOH for a change!)

The previous MOH finally apologizes and asks to be part of the wedding party again. Things have been smooth sailing since this transition.We'll just call her "G"

However, Episode #4) The Bridesmaid Dress. My bridesmaids have known since June when, where and how much their bridesmaid dress is and that the deadline is in October. I sent PLENTY of notices about ordering the dress since G requires 2 week, 1 week and day prior notices. Well the deadline passed and all of the bridesmaids have ordered their dress, EXCEPT G. She claims she's having money problems etc. (However, for the past 4 months, she's been going to have her hair and nails done in addition to spa treatments, facials and massages). The dress is $200, which only $100 needs to be paid to order it. I try to be understanding about certain financial woes, but I can only sympathize so much since she's known about this for 4 months. So I try to talk to her about her financial difficulties, which she makes her situation sound like she'll never be able to afford the dress. I tell her if she needs to bow out of the wedding to get her finances in order, I understand. She gets mad that I say this feeling belittled and that only friends with money can be a bridesmaid. She says she wants to be apart of the wedding so she "can get dolled up!"So I ask her when she thinks she'll be able to pay for the dress? she gets mad because she's feeling pressured and thinks I'm treating her like a doormat. She finally says this weekend she'll pay for the dress. Well, she goes out drinking Friday and never gets around to ordering it.

I don't have the extra money to pay for her dress. Plus, she needs to get sized. I feel like she's making everything about her. I'm about to throw the towel in and just give up! She argues with me about EVERYTHING. She's definitely caused more drama and stress than I care for. I feel that bridesmaids should feel honored to be part of your wedding day and that they should deserve to stand next to you. If they aren't beneficial to you or helping you out in any way, then why have them?? This is just the beginning! I don't know what the future has in store for showers, etc. I just don't know what to do....

I just really don't want to have that conversation with her again. I really haven't been controlling or unreasonable--there hasn't been many things to be controlling or unreasonable about! lol! It's the lying about things that irks me and her just being...rather unenthusiastic about everything. I'd rather her be brutally honest with me than lie. I don't care what she spends her money on, but to flaunt massages and spa days and go out drinking only top shelf liquor...It makes me raise an eyebrow wondering what's really going on? If she's having financial hardships then I don't want her to feel obligated or forced to be a bridesmaid. She knew from the onset that she would have to buy a bridesmaid dress, there was no surprise to her there. I was understanding with her not buying the dress by the deadline because of financial difficulties (wasn't thrilled about it though since she's had 4 months). It's the lack of disclosure. Her reasoning for not getting it the weekend she said she was, was because her and her husband got into it. I guess that prohibits one from buying a dress? Not only did I e-mail her the date of the deadline including the place's address, number, hours and e-mail, I also text it to her and posted it to a facebook group I started for my bridesmaids. She still wrote me text messages asking me what the place is called and what their number was. She's the ONLY bridesmaid that lives closest to the store too! The only thing that she did do which I appreciated was go to a bridal show with me. However, she claimed that she was a bride too to get free stuff. My other bridesmaids have been perfect. If they have issues, they tell me and it's not a big deal. They're enthusiastic, excited and willing to help me in whatever which way. This bridesmaid makes me feel like she should be the center of attention. She never asks me anything about the wedding, it's all about her.  

I just don't know what to do! I'd really prefer not to talk to her about stepping down since it'll just cause an argument and drama. She's VERY adamant about being in this wedding and being in pictures. Do I just avoid it all together and see how long it takes her to get the dress? then if she doesn't have it by whatever date, just be like if you don't have a dress you can be a guest? 

@Natalieh86: lol it wasn't that she told me why she couldn't come and I "excused" her. I told her, after I sent out her invitation, that I know she's far away, so if she could come it would be awesome, but if not I completely understand and it's not a big deal. In terms of writing, it was easier to say excused--poor word choice on my behalf. 

At the Engagement Party, she knew all my friends and my family members. There wasn't really anyone to introduce her to aside from my fiance's family. Anyways, I was trying to be the host as majority of people gathered whereever I or my fiance was. She came late to where people were already eating and making toasts-- it wasn't the appropriate time to have long talks or introductions. It was really timing of the whole thing. I talked to her for a minute, had to attend to my high-strung grandparents, get something to eat---it was a really busy day for me. I came outside to where she was when things calmed down (couldn't get too close to her smoking bc I suffer from a bladder condition) and sat at a table, but that was when she ended up leaving. I personally didn't recognize any problem. It was the other bridesmaids and my fiance that said something, her facebook post about me and text messages. 

The first time we had a long conversation about everything, the opener was from me trying to tactfully ask her if she could possibly cover her tattoos for the wedding. It opened pandoras box from there from me not treating her like MOH, me not wanting to do what she says or suggests, me being inconsiderate, etc. It's the same arguement over and over. Not to mention her always referring to it in a mocking tone as "your special day."

I've tried to reason with her, but everytime I'm at a Catch 22 being damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like for the dress, I was like if you can't afford the dress and want to bow out, just let me know and I can have you involved in other ways if you want to be, especially since her son is the ring bearer. She didn't want to not be involved. So then I ask when she can get the dress and she gets mad at me for pressuring her. So I don't know what to do other than to let her do whatever it is that she wants. 

I'm not trying to blame her or bash her, I just don't know what she wants nor what to do. I never asked her to be my MOH originally. Once I got engaged, she text me being like "I'm your MOH right!?" and I was just like sure. It's gotten to the point to where I have to avoid looking at her facebook thinking that she's made some post about me and have a slight anxiety attack when I get text messages from her because she argues with me all the time. I've expressed my feelings to her that I feel that her being involved in my wedding is causing tension and our friendship may fare better if she wasn't. However, she thinks differently to whereas if she's not involved, our friendship is doomed. 

I talk to her all the time. I know what she does, everything about her, which is why it's disheartening to me that she blows me off or acts like she'd rather stick toothpicks under her nails than help me out. I've been at every single event she's ever asked me to go to. I did miss her most recent yard sale, which I was reprimanded for. It may seem that I'm controlling, but I haven't asked much from my bridesmaids. I invited them to all my events, which their attendance was optional, but if I knew they were coming I asked if they could come a little early to help me out. Then I gave them a deadline for their dress. I really don't see how anything I've done is classified as being a Bridezilla? The only thing that has bothered me is being lied to--who likes being lied to? That's not a bridesmaid issue, it's a friend issue. Maybe I just expect more of her because I'd be willing to go the distance if the roles were flipped. 

@sorrycharlie: Thanks :)