- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
Argh – Last week I was all set to go ahead and hit “Send on my little pretty/affordable rings online wishlist Friday… but it didn’t work, I gave up for the weekend and decided it was stressful for him, anyway, so it would have hit the wrong nerve and made him feel pressured/stressed – not what I want.
Then, I set up a simple document wth the pics, links and little descriptions, inlcuding bands I though might appeal to him, and was feeling okay about the idea of sending it… only to have my computer “eat” it.
Grr. I re-built the list, and had what I thought was a pretty decent “not trying to push you, but wnated you to see what I like and how cheap it can be” email – and accidentially deleted that dang thing while trying to view it one more time (computer mini-froze just long enough for me to click on the wrong section fo the screen.)
So, I’ve rew-written the email as best as I can, re-configured and saved the list as best as I could…. and now I feel like so much doesn’t want me to send it. Like it’ll just be seen as being pushy, as trying ask just for a ring, which I know is what society paints women as wanting the most. Yes, I admit I want a ring on my hand, and yes, I’d like at least ONE nice, real piece of jewelry in my life, so if it’s something to stand for “us” I want it to be soemthing pretty, something I want to wear, and something with at least as much intrinsic value as he’d spend on a gaming console. I feel my email reads poorly, though, as I can’t remember exactly what I wrote that made it feel less pushy in the first draft.:
“This is going to sound awkward no matter what I write, so here goes. I wanted to send you a kind of idea list should you ever want an idea of things I think are nice regarding a very particular type of jewelry. A lot of places that would seem the most obvious to look for things of this kind are far too pricey with every other concern in our lives, and I just wanted to show you some options, should you want to look, that are a lot more reasonable than your common mall chain jewelry store. I found a few pretty affordable things that I think are pretty, and also some that I think you might like, too, just as a reference for whenever, if ever, you find you want to look into such things.
I’m not sending this as any sort of pressure tactic, which I know you won’t believe, but it’s true. I didn’t want you to feel I do or have ever wanted you to go like your brother did and spend what I think he did this last fall. I wanted to be able to share things with you that I find interesting and pretty, not outrageously priced, and maybe someday get some feedback from you about what you like and think is good. If you someday decide this little list is useful, then I’d rather find out only if you decide to show me. If not, then we’ll still be as we always have been, and I don’t plan on making any changes in our lives based on your choice. You know how I feel. I just wanted to get it off my chest and make sure you have pretty much any information you’d need, should it be wanted/needed.”
We’re not a couple who talks weddings. He thinks they exist to make fun of the groom (because of his severe social anxiety, any event you have to stand up front is like that – graduations, any ceremony at all – even at funerals he tries to stay in the back) He knows I want it, I know he’s uncertain and has plenty of reason to be. I wish it wasn’t a choice between whose feelings are the more important to honor. He overanalyzes every aspect of his life, and procrastinates on top of that. This is just 100x worse. We have almost ALL our friends engaged, married and/or expecting kids. I’m not in a competition with them, but it SO hard to know you’ve been together the longest but get less repect because you DON’T have that public committment. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m just not good enough for his name. I feel like every day that passes is wasted as his Girlfriend -I want to live as his WIFE, not an adult playmate. I’m so sorry, I have bad PMS this week, and keep falling into crying fits.
He’s been more positive about things since I had my 2010 Fall waiting breakdown. He’s made more comments in the last 6 months about what he’d like/not like as a wedding. I just never know if it’s really something he’s thiniking about, or if it’s just making conversation with the soon-to-be-marrieds in our midst. I’m sorry – today just sucks somehow.