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Hi dooneybell. Honestly, I would tell her that you have a name picked out for your female child if and when she comes to realization and you would appreciate them taking that name off of the table. I've heard way too many stories of people not saying anything because they're trying to be polite and then they are crushed when their baby name is taken. Not only that, but I know TWO people that were so pissed off by it that they just named their child the preferred but taken name anyway. Such a mess! In this instance, honestly is the best policy!
Word of advice, Don't tell anyone your baby names!!! When his older brother named his son, did they know that you loved that name? If they didn't know, you can't blame them. But don't tell them anymore names, because they might really like the name you already have picked out. When my son was 2, I got pregnant again and picked out names fairly early on. I told my SO's sister my favorite name. 8 weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage. And then she stole my baby name!! She wasn't even pregnant at the time but she told EVERYONE that she planned on naming her baby McKenna. I was like What the what???? If your future sister inlaw names her child a name that you always wanted, well thats life. She got pregnant and had said child first, and even though it totally sucks, it happens. We ended up picking a different name entirely for my daughter, and I love her name!
Okay, this is tough. Because as a woman, I totally understand the frustration that can come from seeing your future children's names snatched up by those around you. Ugh.
At the same time, she does reserve the right to name her baby whatever she chooses.
Can I ask, are your in-laws aware of the names you have picked out? In other words, are they aware of this issue?
I know your heart is set on certain names, but there are so many amazing options for your baby. I think you and your husband could absolutely find something even more perfect if it came to that. :)
Really???
There a a kazillion names to choose from. If you have this much of an issue with his family because they already have or might in the future have children with a name that you like, I am not sure you are marrying your FI for the right reasons. You aren't even married yet and you aren't pregnant. I do think you are being unreasonable. Whether or not you marry someone shouldn't be dependant on whether or not the name you picked out for your child(ren) has already or could potentially be taken by the time you have a child(ren).
@noritake22: I agree here. Perhaps if you consider opening up to a few more names that you're comfortable with, you'll feel easier about the process. I mean, in high school I was in love with Lucy and Evelyn, and my husband isn't a fan of either. We've got ours picked out, and even if someone else "takes" them, it's going to be ok. They're just names. People change them all the time, or go by nicknames or middle names. I don't think it's rational to count out marrying someone becuase they "stole" all your baby names. I do understand some of where you're coming from, but don't you love your Fiancé more than a name?
I definitely understand what you mean BUT NEVER tell friends or family the names you want. Don't even give them the idea. Unfortunately, whoever gets to the name first "wins." Good luck! Hopefully they won't pick the name you like.
I think it's ok to have the same name twice or more in the same family. Understandably disappointing at first glance--especially if you are second--- but in the end, I think it's totally fine, especially when the relationships are strong...And you did come up with it first!
Is the name you love just really common? I don't know the odds, but it doesn't seem likely they will choose *that* name, unless you've told them what it is and they already like it or it's in the top 5 names of the year or something. I understand your frustration and I don't think you're feelings are necessarily wrong, but you have to let these things go, because you just can't change it (if they do take it) and getting upset over something that may or may not even happen isn't worth it. I don't know about you, but my name choices have changed drastically through the years. Names I loved a year ago now I wouldn't even consider. When the time comes for you, you may not even want that name anymore. I understand it would really suck if they did choose it, so I'm crossing my fingers for you that they won't. I promise you won't think your baby's name is second choice, because even if they do take it, you will find something you love that is perfect and you won't regret it!
I don't think there is anything wrong with you naming your babies what you like. So what if cousins share a name?? Did you ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? It's common for certain families to reuse names. I was uptight about that same thing, but then I realized that it's ok for our babies to share a name. If I like it and want to use it, it doesn't matter. You can't "call" baby names. Nothing would stop your SIL from using the name you like, and nothing is stopping you from keeping the names you like.
Are you planning on getting pregnant soon? If not, the names you have now may not be the names you want your kids to have when you do get pregnant. Plus, there's always different variations to names.
Also, my brother and his gf just had a kid. They chose two names because they wanted wait to meet the child so to let the "name" fit the child.
I think in some cases, it's reasonable to "call" names. FI was named after his father but they have different middles names, so he isn't a junior. FI's father just passed and I'm sure that if one of his sisters got pregnant with a boy, she would consider naming him after her dad.
However, FI and I really want a junior. It's important to both of us that our firstborn son is a junior. Everyone in the family knows this. We even refer to our future child as "Junior" in conversation (like "yeah, I hope Junior plays baseball someday") lol, sort of weird, but we think it's cute.
The wedding is 9 months away and we want at least a year of marriage under our belts prior to TTC. So probably 2 years before we TTC and one of his sisters is actively TTC... In this case, I think if she got pregnant, I would say something.
So, in the end, I think it's okay if it's a family name. If you really want to name your daughter "Margaret Anne" because your grandmother's name was Margaret and your mom's name was Anne.
But calling "Isabella" after your favorite twilight character... I don't think I'd say anything.
@noritake22: I agree. I don't want to sound mean, but it sounds like you're being pretty unreasonable. let that family member know that you have that girls name picked out (I don't even see a point in keeping it a secret...is it that serious??) and ask them to respect that by not naming their child that. If they didn't follow your wishes, that would be pretty creepy and rude, but not grounds to call of your engagement...right?!? There are so many beautiful and unique names out there, I would just sit down and start searching for one or two more you like. once you and your FI do get pregnant I'm sure you'll have no problem looking forward to having a healthy, happy baby with a different name, if need be.
Well... have you discussed names with your fi? If he doesn't like it, this whole thing wouldn't matter anyway.
Either way, I think that if you didn't tell her the name first and she picked it on her own, there's not much you can do. It's not fair to her to not use a name she loves just b/c you also love it.... especially b/c you don't know if you'll have a girl. If she saved the name for you and you have all boys, then nobody gets the name.
I dont think you can tell someone not to use your name.. especially when your not even TTC. firstly because you may change your mind by the time your baby comes along and secondly cos you cant really claim a name n ask no one to use it. I think its ok to have the same name repeated among kids in extended family.
That's a really great point that made me stop and think! Kudos! I am in the camp that this is your family and the people closest to you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to them 'listen, we plan on having children and we both plan on naming our children X and Y so I wanted to let you know that in case you were throwing names around'. They would have to be pretty nasty to then say 'oh really, wow, never thought of that name before but now I really like it, so screw you!' lol. Who would do that?
I don't even want kids, but I always say - if I had to raise some miscreant then I do have two names picked out, a boy and girl name, just in case. :P My sibs all know what the names are and I know what their special names were, too. My one sister combined my two Grandmother's, Sarah Rose, for her daughter and my brother took our Father's name. I always said that I'd use my other Grandpa's name but my sis who also was always on the fence just had hers at 41 and toyed with using that name. She did have enough love and respect to call me and ask if I would care and I said 'no go ahead!' since I"m 36 and still no ticking clock. :) So yes, if someone really wanted the name at least you could have a conversation abuot it.
So I feel like I was not quite clear. I'm wearing the ring. I'm not taking the ring off. Especially not for something as ignorant as a name. I just find it annoying. Alot of it comes from me being the oldest in my family, though. I don't have to worry because for the most part I just do it first, stake my claim and it's mine. He's the baby by almost 20 years between the oldest and him.
Thanks for the feed back, I think I'm actually just having my first bout with youngest child syndrome.
and @mightysapphire I have seen/love that movie.
Is it a name that you have also decided on with your FI? If not, then you definitely don't have dibs. You'll be surprised how what you want will change when you are pregnant, too - i'd just let her have this one.
I don't understand the idea that names can be "taken." What is the big deal about people having the same names? Unless your baby name is something completely made up and original, it was also "taken" from someone else, right?
Besides, name trends change so drastically from year to year. By the time you're expecting you might have totally different names in mind. Or you might meet your little person and realize the name you had picked out doesn't suit him or her at all.
unless the name didn't fit, this isn't a fad. Fiance agrees and adores the names and I've had them picked out for about 10 years BEFORE it was a popular name. And I find it quite tacky for first cousins to have the same name.
Well in that case I guess you'll just have to avoid whatever names are already picked. You can't claim dibs on a name, but if you are already pregnant, most people respect if you have chosen a name already. But if you're not pregnant yet, you'll just have to cross your fingers that the name you want isn't picked before you get your own little one.
Good luck!
PS-I love that movie! I love that they are all Anita, Dian, and Nick. :-)
@dooneybell: Tacky means lacking good taste. Why is it poor taste for cousins to have the same name? I guess if it upsets you then you can't help how you feel, but wouldn't it be a bit presumptuous to call dibs on a name for a daughter you don't have yet and may never have? Might that be considered to be in poor taste?
It just seems like you're gearing up for combat when there's nothing to fight over in the first place. You could frame anything in terms of "taken" or "mine" or "claim staked" and turn it into a contest where you either win or lose. But why not look at these things as joys to be shared instead of hoarded? It's a happier way to be.
@jayce: fair enough. moving on with my life. they may name her after a grandmother
Most of the time I would say that you can't lay stake to a name unless you are pregnant. The only exception to this might be if you wanted to name a child after a certain close relative for a particular reason. For example, I am named after my grandfather and I would love to also name my daughter after my father (her grandfather). If its just a name that you like and arne't even pregnant than I don't think you can really lay stake to that name.
You definitely made it sounds as if you were having second thoughts about the marriage if you didn't get first dibs on a name for an imaginary baby.
If you think about it that way, maybe you'll see how selfish it sounds.
That's just me, though.
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My future sister in law is pregnant and today we just found out it's a girl. I don't have children yet but this will be the umpteenth child on his side of the family. His older brother has already taken the one name I've always wanted to give my son but now I'm terrified that his sister will take the one name I've ever wanted to give to my daughter.
Is it wrong for me to be upset if she names her tangible child something i've always wanted to name our hypothetical child? I'm sure there are reasonable arguements for each but I don't want to marry into a family when I'm going to have to battle for baby names and my children will always be my second choice.