- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
…But I’ve got a severe case of Waiting Anxiety, and I need to get it off my chest.
(sorry if this is a tad TL;DR)
I’m 26 years old and have been ‘dating’ my SO for 4.5 years now. I say ‘dating’ because I hardly see it as dating as we’ve lived together for 3.5 years, making a big move to a town exactly midway between our jobs (30 miles in each direction) just so we could continue to live together. We have a dog and 3 cats togther. We have firm plans to buy a house together once he manages to move his job to the same place as mine so we don’t have to do the hour long commute every day in opposite directions. We’ve even spoken about how we will coordinate our job paths so we can emmigrate for a year together in about 7 year’s time! There is no doubt in my mind that this is for the long haul, and I know he feels the same way. But I don’t think he wants to get married.
We’re both fairly liberal and unconventional people. Neither of us comes from a particularly traditional background and we’re both staunch athiests, so it’s hard to explain to him the ‘point’ of getting married, other than that I know it’s what I desperately desire. He doesn’t see the point in the exorbitant cost, and I’m inclined to agree, but I cant seem to find the right words to tell him that I don’t want it to cost the world, as long as he’s there with all of our friends and family around us, so we can tell them all that we love each other so much we will stick it through thick and thin together. I don’t want a diamond (due to ethical reasons, the aformentioned begrudging of the cost, plus I’ve fallen in love with Moissanite), I just want him.
I’ve not realy spoken to him about any of this, despite slowly sinking into a obsession with all things wedding. I think my main reason is that I’m terrified of what his answer will be: what if he confirms my fears that he has no intention of getting married. Ever. I don’t know if that is just me being paranoid, as occassionally he has shown some thoughts on our future in that respect (for example, at the surprise engagement of one of his best friends, he kinda suggested that this ‘seemed to be the time to get married’), but we’ve certainly not had a proper ‘talk’ about it.
I’ve given serious thought to just gritting my teeth (metaphorically) and popping the question myself – to the point that my proposed engagement gift to the SO is hidden away in our bedroom. As I said before, we’re unconventional and I pride myself in being independant and my own person. I’m used to, that, if I want something, I just go out and get it. I work in a demanding, extremely male-dominated job, and myself and my SO make the same amount of money so split everything 50/50. I hate the idea of relying on someone else for something *I* want, and he knows this and completely agrees with me. My worst nightmare would be a ‘kept woman’, with no assets or financial independance. So why should I be left waiting around when I’m perfectly capable of planning a perfect proposal myself? However, despite all of that, a tiny traditionalist part of me wants to be the one proposed to, even just to reassure me that it’s what we BOTH want, and I’m not just backing him into a corner.
So instead I’m left here, spending my nights when he’s at work obsessively pouring over beautiful rings that I might never get; furtively deleting my browing history on the offchance he sees it; or hiding the nervous, sicky feeling when he accidentally glimpses the WeddingBee logo before I can close over my laptop screen. I hate the feeling of hiding something from him, even more so that I know he doesn’t hide anything from me. I feel like a dreadful girlfriend, but I can’t help myself. Since we moved here I am miles away from my friends, and this town so tiny that I haven’t been able to make more. I guess I’m feeling pretty damn lonely, to the point that I’ve had to find solace in baring my soul to a group of strangers from halfway around the world.
Sorry for having such a downbeat first post. I’m usually a pretty cheerful person overall, but this waiting anxiety is a right bitch.