- 3 years ago
Oh my gosh, I never thought I’d ever run in to this problem. When I met my FMIL, she was nothing but elegant and classy. I really looked up to her.
I guess I’ve come to terms with how controlling she is. I have never seen anything like it. It started with the house situation. She really wanted us to buy a house, before we were even married. I told her that I wanted to wait until we were sure of where we would end up in terms of our jobs. Regardless, we were looking at houses the next week. I’ll admit, I was charmed with the idea of owning my own home, so it started out as fun. My mom announced our engagement in the paper and sent FMIL an email asking if she would like for her to announce it in FMIL’s family’s local paper. FMIL sent back a really lovely reply that she would really like that.
Back to house hunting, it quickly came apparent that we were expected to live near her. I personally have no interest in living in that area and would rather live in the area that my parents happen to live in which is only a half hour away from her. FI does not care where we live, so I started looking in that area. After repeatedly not liking the houses (more expensive, less house) in FMIL’s area, she told that we wouldn’t find anything better. I got home and found several listings that were amazing… but near my parents. FMIL got so angry, and told FI that it was ‘no use.’ So we stopped looking for a house, and started looking for an apartment.
Meanwhile, FMIL finds out that I do not want to have kids, at least not in the near future. She was livid. FI tried explaining that we have things that we still want to accomplish, but she is still fuming about it.
While looking at apartments, we find a really nice complex that we both love… near my parents. FMIL calls FI crying, and tells him that she will pay back my deposit so we can live near her. He tells her no. Then, a few days later, she calls FI and tells her that she wants a pre-nup (without lawyers or anything, just me signing a letter) regarding my engagement ring, which is a family heirloom. We had been engaged for a year, and she had never said anything about that to me. I can’t help but feel a little offended, but try to understand where she is coming from. After talking with my parents, we all agree that a ring that is not freely given is not an appropriate engagement ring for me. FI understands, and we go and pick out a new ring together. Having no idea what proper etiquette for this situation is, I send the ring back with my FI with a note saying how appreciative I was to wear the ring, how I would always remember how special it was, but that I did not want her to feel at all uncomfortable with what might happen to it so I was giving it back to her to safe-keep. It was as polite as I know how to be. I just didn’t know what to do. FI tells me that she threw the note away, and got furious. She called FI and said her therapist was so “thrown” that I would give it back. She also sent my mom an abrupt email telling her that she ‘no longer felt it appropriate to announce the engagement.’ She and my FSIL whom I loved both de-friended me from social media which really hurt me. FI and I went to talk to our pastor, and we all agreed that what was done was done, and that there was no point in letting FMIL upset us.
So FI asks me to sit down with her and talk. As a non-confrontational person, I was very anxious about doing it, but I agreed. She told me it was a ‘slap in the face’ that I had given it back, and I told her that it felt the same way that she would ask for a pre-nup. I apologized that it made her upset, but that I genuinely thought that she wanted me to give it back. I told her that with the information I had, I made the best decision that I could. She said she had told FI about the pre-nup from the get-go, which FI doesn’t remember but it is completely possible he forgot. She made lots of excuses and said she didn’t care where we lived, which is clearly not true, but I just nodded and agreed. I thought we had at least ended on civil terms.
The next holiday though, FI recieved a text saying that we shouldn’t have to ‘rush around’ and wouldn’t it be nice for us to spend it with our own families instead of seeing both? That was a pretty clear signal that she’s still angry with me. I have no idea what to do. FI feels that he’s losing his family, and I don’t know what to expect on our wedding day in four months.
Does anyone have any advice? I’m just lost.