I'm that girl… FMIL problems.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
28 posts
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am so sorry to hear about your situation – it sounds like you have handled it so well and have tried really hard to also be understanding of your FH’s feelings. I have been in the same situation, and I will admit I did not handle it with as much grace as you have.

My FMIL also sends us house and job listings in her area, after I have countlessly said it would not be possible to move there for job reasons. Personally, I do not want to live even remotely close to the same area. I try to think about how my parents feel – I know they want me to live closer to them, and it is natural for FH’s mom to feel the same way. Its just that the two different sets of parents approach it in very different ways. I have found that being very non-commital to anything, and re-inforcing that my FH and I make our decisions together and think very carefully about it and we would like her to respect our decisions. 

You have handled this so well, especially the ring dilemma. I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing a ring that FH family did not give willingly and because they supported us. 

Hope things get better for you!

Post # 3
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Your fiance should have a good sit down with his mother and find out exactly what it is that’s bothering her because there’s obviously a bee in her bonnet that she isn’t letting out.


Post # 4
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry your FFIL is cray cray!  

You handled this situation so gracefully.  I would not have been so nice.

I think the “prenup” is histericaly casue it hhas no meaning if it is not done legally.

At least your FI is sticking up for you.  But as PP said it is not you who needed or needs to have a sit down with the FMIL it is your FI.

Glad she’s seeing a therapist.  maybe FI should go with her to a session to talk it out.

Post # 5
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Honestly, this sounds like it’s all her. You handled the ring “prenup” as well as possible. (And I completely agree that having a ring under those conditions is icky.) You attempted a conciliatory sit-down and she defriended you! How immature!  

I hope your FI is waking up to how manipulative his mother is. And I hope he is squarely in your corner. If his mother makes him choose, I feel for him, but I hope he can stand up to her.  

Post # 6
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

mariev:  I agree with Atalanta:  Your FI needs to talk to his mother.  It sounds to me that your FMIL might also be afraid of loosing her son as well as not handling her disappointment about grandkids well. I know our parents would be disappointed if they knew of our feelings about kids.


Post # 7
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Oh my. Your FMIL is bat-shit crazy and obsessed with her son. She really needs to learn how to let him go- he needs to set some boundaries with her. Yikes!

Post # 8
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It seems your FMIL is scared of losing her son to your family & is handling it in the worst way possible. My FMIL had a much more minor freakout and FI told her I wasn’t going to take him away from his family… unless she kept acting in a way towards me that would drive us away. Things went nicely back to normal after that. I think your FI needs to sit down with her & maybe her therapist to talk through it all.

Post # 9
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

FI NEEDS to remember weither the ring came with strings or not.

If FMIL DID put strings on the ring and she thought you were being vindictive then she’s not really all that bad.  Your FI on the other hand, to accept a ring under such conditions…..


You need to sort it out with your FI first.

Post # 11
4649 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

mariev:  I don’t really have any advice except to realize it’s not you, it’s her and there’s nothing you can really do. She sounds like she has a problem whether it be a personality disorder or what, who knows. (Look those up, it’s very interesting and explains a lot of things) I hope she gets the help she needs and it’s very nice that your FI seems to be on your side. Good luck…

Post # 12
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

She’s a control freak. I’m not sure there’s anything *you* can do to handle it, since this is your fiance’s mother.

I just hope he doesn’t blame you for the rift that’s growing. He needs to understand that it’s his mom’s own damn fault.

Post # 13
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

mariev: sorry this is so long, but you’re at a great point wheee your FI could really set the tone to make your wedding planning, engagement, and married life much better and more carefree.  I’ve posted a few times about my FI’s parents. They loved me until shortly after we got engaged then they proceeded to act completely nuts. Your FI needs to realize that he is the only one who should be writing notes or having sit downs. Not you. as PPs have said.

Also, like PPs have said, he needs to realize that his mom is being manipulative. You all should not be making any decisions or taking actions based on her little fits. She’ll actually never be happy until you do exactly what she wants, which oddly seems to include your FI being w his family all the time while you are w yours- not a recipe for a happy, successful marriage.

She might stop trying to play victim and manipulate you all w guilt if your FI lays down the law. If he believes it and feels it, at some point he should tell her something like- I love mariev and we are getting married and she will be part of my life forever. Because I am starting my new life w her, she and I will be making all decisions together and it is very important to me that she is happy and her and I are a team. Sometimes we will make decisions That you don’t like- for example, I may not be over here every holiday or maybe not for as long as you’d like, but it is our life and our decisions to make so I hope you will get over it so you can still be a part of our lives. Anyone who is not welcoming mariev or who is doing something to make mariev unhappy is not welcoming me and is trying to make me unhappy because she will be my wife and I will put her and our future family together first. I will always love you, mom, but just like dad puts you first over everything else, I now am choosing to do the same with mariev. I love her more than anything and she makes me happy. 

There is of course a chance that if/when your FI lays down the law, his mom might refuse to accept it and get even more upset. So be it- that is her choice. My FI said this same kind of message to his parents and his dad has never been interested in a sincere conversation since and his mom has continued acting crazy but attacks us much less frequently and she now eventually takes back destructive things she’s said/done once she realizes that they will have consequences.

For instance, his mom for no reason started calling me “that girl,” refused to let me come over their house, told ppl not to come to our wedding, called my FI evil/wicked, and cursed both of us, our marriage, and all of our future children. I told my FI that nobody who cursed us and our marriage etc like that should be at our wedding unless they took that back. I told him that if his mom showed up without apologizing, I would not be in any pictures with her on our wedding day. He agreed and to make sure her choice was clear, he told her that she wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding unless she took all that back.

My FI never thought that she would take it back because his mother never apologizes ever especially not to her kids. 2 weeks before the wedding, his mom sent him a very long email profusely blessing us, our marriage, our wedding, our future children, and even their children And wishing the best for all. So she is likely coming to the wedding and she met our minimum terms because my FI explained what she needed to do to be able to come to our wedding   and we stood our ground for months without caving.

because I do not trust anyone who would be so manipulative or mean twds me, my FI, my wedding, my marriage, and our unborn children, I do not plan on being around her or talking to her still besides being in a pic or two on the big day. But we are doing every single thing w the wedding exactly as we want and my FI has done everything he can to make sure that we both enjoy our wedding fully regardless of whatever stunts his parents might pull. we both know that his parents are going to try to pull something- either not attending, being late, visibly or audibly pouting, crying to the point that it’s odd, getting angry, trying to rile up his siblings, and/or storming out. And we are planning to ignore any and all of that – surrounding ourselves w friends who want us to have a great time.

I suggest that you and your FI not talk to his mom much about the wedding or else she’ll get confused and think your wedding decisions are hers to make and she’ll try to manipulate you all into choosing the things she wants you to choose for your wedding. Best of luck and welcome to weddingbee! It’s a great place to get advice and perspective- a lot of us have been through or are going through similar problems. 

Post # 14
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I agree with both Atalanta & Trilly. It sounds as if there are some serious unresolved issues your FMIL is having with the thought of “losing” her son and she may not be able to express it correctly. The suggestion a PP made abotu your FI going to a session with her is a great idea. Maybe the therapist will help her figure out what the real problem is and deal with it accordingly. It appears you are trying to be gracious, kind and most of all PATIENT with this whole thing so kudos to you. As long as you and your FI continue to support one another, you will get thru this!

Post # 15
498 posts
Helper bee

mariev:  I encourage you to look at my posting history of the threads Ive started–our situations are nearly identical: FMIL who loved me and treated me like the daughter she never had at first, and as me and her son got more serious, flipped a switch and turned into an overly emotional, jealous, dramatic NIGHTMARE. We experienced the same thing as well, with all of her drama really affecting our relationship. It was sad, really-our relationship was nearly perfect otherwise, but his mothers crazies were really blanketing us in this dark cloud.

He lamented how he felt like he was being forced to choose between us and how he felt so tormented because he was in the middle. No matter how much support, encouragement I tried to give him, it didnt really seem to help. It was also really starting to wear on me that he was constantly seeing the situation as ‘woe is me, Im caughtinbetween my mom and girlfriend!’ And never made much of an effort to feel bad for or support ME. His mother was throwing temper tantrums at every turn, escalating until it turned into outright insulting me.

Thats when I drew the line in the sand. I quite literally said ‘This stops now’, very bluntly told my BF I wouldnt put up with this any longer, and very seriously threatened to break up with him unless he stood up to his mother without my prompting. I also made it clear we needed to seek couples counseling together. I hate the word, but this was honestly more or less an ultimatum.

We are five sessions of couples counseling in, and let metell you–he is a changed man.

I am so, so, so proud of him. I encourage him, but I no longer need to FORCE him to respond appropriately when his mother lashes out. He also very clearly now.sees for himself how manipulative his mother can be at times, and hes really begun taking more ofan independent stance away from her. I am so impressed with how he has grown. He still has work to do but only two months into counseling and everything, including his own emotionsAND our relationship, has improved. The last time we argued about his mother was at least three months ago.

Im not 100% sure of course what your relationship is like or what youre comfortable with. Im not necessarily urging you to issue an ultimatum like I did, because honestly, that doesnt work with all men, AND, they have to be coming from a sincere place: you cant issue one just to get your way–it has to be because its what you truly believe whats right for your relationship.

What I AM pointing out to you is, your FI has a lot of workto do, just like mine had. You are his future family and you need to come first now. Pleasing his mother should not be an absolute priority at this time. You and your guys relationship needs to be #1. When he starts seeing it that way, he will feel less torn–less of “Im stuckin the middle between my mom and my wife!” And more of “My moms upset, this sucks for her and I wish she wasnt, but shes an adult and she can sort out her own feelings.” This is a big thing my BF has learned and started putting into practice–our therapist urged him not to let his mother use him as her ‘dumptruck’ for every single emotion shes feeling. It is not my BFs responsibility to coddle his 50 year old mother. He has started putting into practice saying, “Im sorry you feel this way but maybe this is something you should talk to Dad, your husband, about.” 

So maybe try some couples counseling, NOT with the pastor. Try a religiously neutral party, like a licensed therapist. And support and encourage your FI best you can to be his own man and not let his mother manipulatehim. Tell him my story, if you wish. The sooner he learns to seperate you and his mommy into two different parts, the better off his well being and your relationship will be.

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