I'm the bridesmaid… Should I stay in or try to politely opt out?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
36 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think it was nice of your sister in law to invite you (you are family).  I think it would have been hurtful if she left you out.  If you are feeling un included, maybe you can ask her to give you a specific task or thing to organize that you could work with her on.  I think it would really hurt her feelings if you backed out on being in her wedding.  You are going to know her forever, so if it was me I would try to stick it out.

Post # 4
7240 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@beth2507: +1. Obligatory invites to be in the bridal party suck. But you already accepted. I’d try to play it out. Are your parents available to watch your baby? 

Post # 5
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

You aren’t close, so I wouldn’t be offended at last minute invites.

Post # 6
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

In all honesty, it sounds like she including you, but you don’t really want to be included…and if you’re the least close, it makes sense you would be the last one she would think of, as harsh as that sounds.

I think your SIL is being very nice to you, so I don’t understand what the big deal is?

Post # 7
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I do not think you should opt out. Just go on about your life and try not to think about it. If she asks you to do stuff, then join. If not, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. It would be far worse if you told her you didn’t want to be her bridesmaid anymore.

Post # 8
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

She is having 7 girls in her wedding party, along with 10 guys?   That’s a lot of people to keep track of.  It might be less of her out right leaving you out, and more of her just not thinking through everyone when she is planning events.  Pull out your calander infront of her and go “So, what dates should I mark down to help you with your wedding.”  Since your DH is in the wedding party, you dropping out is going to be awkward, as you will still be expected to be at the wedding.  Also, if she invites you at the last minute, no, I have plans is an acceptable responce.

As far as your little one, you can either hier a sitter, or look for a family member to help you. 

Post # 9
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MrsBG As you said you aren’t close, so there is no need to be upset by last minute invites.  I understand her side of including family in the bridal party I think this is pretty common.  I think she is inviting you because it is the polite thing to do, although you say you don’t need an invite it may be even more hurtful to you to not even get an invite.  I wouldn’t mention how you feel because it is her wedding and I don’t think she is necessarily being rude.  I would enjoy your time with her and not think too much into the situation.

Post # 10
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you want to be closer to her, dropping out of her wedding probably isn’t the best way to make that happen. 

Post # 11
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you make the decision to step down, I would do it on the basis of having a baby and not mention the politics you described.

The only thing I would be concerned about is the “after shock” reaction from her and the family as a consequence of your stepping down.  If DH’s family is as rigid as you described them, I can definitely see some flack coming your way from them that you would need to be prepared to deal with.  And if this girl is going to be your sister-in-law, you have your relationship with her and the family AFTER the wedding to consider here.

So really, its a decision of (1) stay in the bridal party to keep the peace, and go with the flow — be involved when you are welcomed and stand back when you’re not; stand up on the day of and then you’re off the hook; or (2) step down and deal with whatever backlash from the family.


Post # 12
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@MrsBG:  Honestly, I think it was a kind gesture for her to invite you. You need to just decide that you’re going to be there to support her, as the bride, and be grateful that she’s not expecting a lot of you.

Post # 13
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would. But I am older now and I no longer take shit from people like I used to when I was younger.

Post # 14
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MrsBG:  I know it sucks, but I think you should stick with it.  If you back out, then you’re just going to catch unnecessary flack and drama.  I’m a non-confrontational type of person, so I personally would just suck it up and smile and pretend I’m enjoying myself. 

As for the pregnancy (congrats by the way!), my sister, who was my matron of honor, had her baby 3 WEEKS before my wedding (actually her due date was a couple days after my wedding day, so luckily baby decided to come early) and she just brought baby along for everything except the ceremony where she had a baby sitter watch him for a couple hours.  Her husband was also a groomsmen.  So, it’s doable to have a baby and both parents be in the wedding party.  Plus, so many family members want to meet the new little one.

Post # 16
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MrsBG:  I agree with others. She may also percieve that you don’t want to be included and generally left alone (even if that is not true.) I suggest you go out to lunch with her or something to “break the ice” (even after 7 years.) If the family is really “by the book,” I think opting out would create more problems long term as you will be family FOREVER– no need to start off a marriage with family drama.

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