Post # 1
This ended up longer than I thought! Let me know what you would do….
I’m going to try and organize this in the best way possible. A little back story on me. I got married a year ago. I hated the wedding planning process and didn’t want as big of a wedding as we had. It was beautiful, but I was forced into it the whole way by an overbearing MIL. DH and I are working on the “we are going to do things they way we want to do them” versus the way he was raised “this is the way you do things regardless of whether or not it makes you happy.”
The wedding I am in is my SIL’s (DH’s sister). We are not close. Out of their whole entire family her and I are the least close. (I’ve known the family for 9 years!) Well she asked me to be in her wedding. I accepted because I thought it would be nice way for us to get a little closer and spend some time together. I don’t expect to be BFFs or anything, but just less distant would be good.
I’m a starting to feel like I was just invited because I had to be. Their family is big on “this is the way you do things.” I also feel like if that isn’t the case, then I was invited because her FI has (90,000 friends, no joke) 10 of which are going to be groomsmen. She has selected 7 (2 friends, 2 SILs (her FI’s sis and me), and 3 cousins).
The final straws for me are that:
- They went bridal gown shopping and I was invited the day before (by my MIL) because she accidently mentioned it infront of me. 7 people went with her and based on my knowledge of the family, this was a well planned out event. I don’t mind not being invited, but don’t pitty invite me the day before…
- The bridesmaids dress shopping. She has gone shopping with her other SIL that was in town (no big deal). Then her cousin is in town so she invited her to go dress shopping this week (in front of me), so then she comes over to me and is like oh yeah, we should pick a time to go dress shopping. I told her that she doesn’t need to make a special trip out to where I live just for us two to go dress shopping, but if she gets a group to go, I’d be happy to go. and
- I also got last minute invited to a bridal expo with them. I’m pretty sure I was invited because nobody else could go. I went even though I didn’t want to go and it took up most of one of my weekend days.
I’m tired of being the last one invited. I don’t need to be invited, but what is the deal? Do you think I should mention how I’m feeling to her? Should I try and find a way out? Should I just ignore everything and deal with it?
To make things even more complicating, DH and I had been trying for 6 months before they got engaged to have a baby. We kept trying and now I’m pregnant. The baby is due 4 months before the wedding. DH is also in the wedding, so I’m not sure what we will do with the baby from 8am-10pm.
Post # 3
I think it was nice of your sister in law to invite you (you are family). I think it would have been hurtful if she left you out. If you are feeling un included, maybe you can ask her to give you a specific task or thing to organize that you could work with her on. I think it would really hurt her feelings if you backed out on being in her wedding. You are going to know her forever, so if it was me I would try to stick it out.
Post # 4
@beth2507: +1. Obligatory invites to be in the bridal party suck. But you already accepted. I’d try to play it out. Are your parents available to watch your baby?
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
You aren’t close, so I wouldn’t be offended at last minute invites.
Post # 6
In all honesty, it sounds like she including you, but you don’t really want to be included…and if you’re the least close, it makes sense you would be the last one she would think of, as harsh as that sounds.
I think your SIL is being very nice to you, so I don’t understand what the big deal is?
Post # 7
I do not think you should opt out. Just go on about your life and try not to think about it. If she asks you to do stuff, then join. If not, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. It would be far worse if you told her you didn’t want to be her bridesmaid anymore.
Post # 8
She is having 7 girls in her wedding party, along with 10 guys? That’s a lot of people to keep track of. It might be less of her out right leaving you out, and more of her just not thinking through everyone when she is planning events. Pull out your calander infront of her and go “So, what dates should I mark down to help you with your wedding.” Since your DH is in the wedding party, you dropping out is going to be awkward, as you will still be expected to be at the wedding. Also, if she invites you at the last minute, no, I have plans is an acceptable responce.
As far as your little one, you can either hier a sitter, or look for a family member to help you.
Post # 9
@MrsBG As you said you aren’t close, so there is no need to be upset by last minute invites. I understand her side of including family in the bridal party I think this is pretty common. I think she is inviting you because it is the polite thing to do, although you say you don’t need an invite it may be even more hurtful to you to not even get an invite. I wouldn’t mention how you feel because it is her wedding and I don’t think she is necessarily being rude. I would enjoy your time with her and not think too much into the situation.
Post # 10
If you want to be closer to her, dropping out of her wedding probably isn’t the best way to make that happen.
Post # 11
If you make the decision to step down, I would do it on the basis of having a baby and not mention the politics you described.
The only thing I would be concerned about is the “after shock” reaction from her and the family as a consequence of your stepping down. If DH’s family is as rigid as you described them, I can definitely see some flack coming your way from them that you would need to be prepared to deal with. And if this girl is going to be your sister-in-law, you have your relationship with her and the family AFTER the wedding to consider here.
So really, its a decision of (1) stay in the bridal party to keep the peace, and go with the flow — be involved when you are welcomed and stand back when you’re not; stand up on the day of and then you’re off the hook; or (2) step down and deal with whatever backlash from the family.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@MrsBG: Honestly, I think it was a kind gesture for her to invite you. You need to just decide that you’re going to be there to support her, as the bride, and be grateful that she’s not expecting a lot of you.
Post # 13
I would. But I am older now and I no longer take shit from people like I used to when I was younger.
Post # 14
@MrsBG: I know it sucks, but I think you should stick with it. If you back out, then you’re just going to catch unnecessary flack and drama. I’m a non-confrontational type of person, so I personally would just suck it up and smile and pretend I’m enjoying myself.
As for the pregnancy (congrats by the way!), my sister, who was my matron of honor, had her baby 3 WEEKS before my wedding (actually her due date was a couple days after my wedding day, so luckily baby decided to come early) and she just brought baby along for everything except the ceremony where she had a baby sitter watch him for a couple hours. Her husband was also a groomsmen. So, it’s doable to have a baby and both parents be in the wedding party. Plus, so many family members want to meet the new little one.
Post # 15
@futuremrsgo: @trueblue14: @hisgirl10: @FutureMrsLAL: @sara_tiara: @Lbward6: @Misswhowedding:
@Gribberama: @megz06: @whoa_its_ash: @bklynbridetobe: @beth2507:
Thank you guys. I was really frustrated about this this morning, but I’m feeling better. I get frustrated that the only reason I am being invited to things is because they accidently talk about the event infront of me. They are very calculated in their planning, esp. my MIL. There are several emails and all sorts of coordination for somthing as simple as having lunch on saturday, so this is me being purposely left out, but then invited because they accidently talked about the event infront of me.
I’m just going to tough it out because it would definitely cause an issue. I am definitely going to go more in “damage control” than “friendship growing” mode. It especially sucks because my DH and my sister are like brother and sister. Their relationhip is almost better than mine and my sister’s. I’m definitely a little jealous that I won’t even have a general decent relationship with my SIL. Oh well…
Post # 16
@MrsBG: I agree with others. She may also percieve that you don’t want to be included and generally left alone (even if that is not true.) I suggest you go out to lunch with her or something to “break the ice” (even after 7 years.) If the family is really “by the book,” I think opting out would create more problems long term as you will be family FOREVER– no need to start off a marriage with family drama.