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Things are just so different then when my sister got married for the first time. It was 2001 and she got married on a beautiful plantation, on a bridge with over 200 guests. The bar tab alone was just over $7 grand (my dad brings this up a good bit).
Times are a lot different and so are our tastes. She went for the wow factor and I want simplicity. Along with simplicity I also get to foot the bill. My parents don't have the money anymore to finance any part of a wedding... not any part. I suppose its not as big of a deal considering ours is a small gathering of 70 but I just can't help it.....
I'm a little jealous and slightly bitter.
I haven't even told my FI how upset it gets me.. that because of our meager budget its going to come off as a blow when being compared to my sisters. I obviously would never say anything to my parents either because its not their fault...
am i an awful person for being at all upset? =\
I think it's totally natural to be a little jealous and upset about this, even if you understand why it is the way it is. You're clearly torn, because on the one hand, you know your tastes are simpler and you know your folks don't have that kind of money anymore, but you also want to feel like your folks would do the same for you as for your sister. I totally get where you're coming from. Obviously, I don't know your family, but I think that if your parents could help you, they'd very much want to. I'll bet they are sad about not being able to provide you with the same financial support. It's natural to feel jealous, but I think you're doing the right thing by not making a big deal about it since you know they aren't in the same place financially anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel for you.
No of course not! Its totally understandable and I would be upset too.
No, I don't think you're a bad person for being honest about your feelings. I would probably have the same feelings, in fact, I kinda do. I am also the second daughter to get married. My sister had a medium sized wedding, about 120 people, and my parents paid for most of it (reception, flowers, dress, my mom made the bridesmaid dresses, paid for hair/makeup, etc), I think the total was about 15K. They told me they would give me 5K for our reception and that was all, because that's what they gave my sister.
This is really appreciated obviously, and our wedding is smaller, plus we're both working and have good income (my sister had just graduated university). That's not the point, we don't need their money. But I can't say I wasn't a little miffed by their statement, knowing they actually spent much more than 5K.
I feel like I rambled... lol. The long and short of it is, no, I don't think it's weird you have these feelings. Obviously you would never really tell anyone but weddingbee though :)
No you aren't! I'm in the opposite boat, b/c when my oldest sister was married in 2001 our parents paid for it but they were a lot more strict about budget than they were for me. I feel really bad about it because I hate being treated unequally even if it's to my benefit.
I definitely don't want to make any deal of it. I know how much it kills my parents which is why I always down play it like I'm having the exact event I hoped for-- I think thats the right thing to do. But yeah.. deep down all I can think of is her live band and catered menu and bundles of fresh flowers and it gets me down. Like I said, I dont want to even mention it to my FI because, although I know he'd understand, I just don't even want to go there... In the end i know its not a huge deal but I needed to say it to someone...
But I will say this.. I think my attitude of "its no big deal" has been hurting the situation a bit. Like no one needs to bother with anything, like bridal showers or helping with just ideas. No one seems as excited for this wedding because they know how low budget its gonna be.
I would totally be upset, and I can understand your feelings.
What if instead of taking the stance that its "no big deal" play up how excited you are to have a simple, classic, clean wedding. Flowers? No you don't need them, what about pretty candles on white table cloths, clean and crisp. That way you can still talk about the wedding and how excited you are, but it won't sound like you are upset that you can't have the big lavish wedding.
@june i wish it was that easy... i need to suck it up because like i said its hurting. I feel like i give off the impression that its not something we need to dicuss (the wedding) and like.. i'm not excited.... which makes others not excited?
I'm just so afraid its going to be a failure and my family is going to judge me against her wedding. =[
I mayself am in the same position. I have two brothers and a sister. My parents helped with all of their weddings bur are not able to help with mine. We are footing the entire bill. I am also upset. Anytime I bring up something about the wedding, my mom changes the subject because she's upset she can't help. It's like she doesn't care because she can't help. I just don't bring anything up anymore.
I totally understand your feelings, but don't go into your wedding thinking it's going to be a huge failure, and that people are going to judge your wedding for not being as lavish as your sisters. You are marrying the man you love, that is what a wedding is about, and if you do that, then your wedding will not be a failure, no matter what anyone says. I hope your wedding day will be a happy day for both you, and your fiance. =]
@luckybride That is EACTLY what is happening with me. My mom was so excited with my sisters wedding its like pulling teeth talking to her about it. Its not helping the situation at all. I know her pride hurts but i feel like i have no family support... and its not bc they dont love my FI-- they do!!
my parents give all of us the same thing even if that means working two jobs and using credit cards and selling things. They have 4 kids and we all get the exact stuff. Honestly, I would be pissed..especially if they didn't help out at all. hmm.
Yeah, I think you have a right be pissed, I know they didn't do it on purpose, but parents should try to plan ahead for these things. It's not like they didn't know you were going to want a wedding too someday. Times are tough right now, I get that but. . . They should have been setting aside equal amounts in separate accounts for each child so when you get married, it's all the same amount.
Nothing you can do about it now, but i feel ya
well I did get to go to college, my sister opted not to. So I got a lot of help with that. My dad paid for my rent throughout school (i did the bills) and my mom paid for my books, i did tuition so maybe it all adds up in the end.
That's a positive way of looking at it! Your parents contributed to your schooling and it evens it up!
In regards to your feelings, I know your parent's pride is hurt that they cannot help out and that's why they aren't wanting to talk about it,b ut maybe you should bring it up. I know I would be more hurt if they didn't show excitiment or want to talk about it. Let them know you understand the situation but its hurting you that they don't want to talk about it. That may ease some of your hurt feelings.
Good luck!
I was going to suggest that maybe they could help you out later when they do have the money (on a house or something) but if they gave you money for school and they didn't give her tuition money, then maybe it's even?
It's a big struggle between siblings when things aren't equal. I believe that my parents are going to foot the bill for my sister's college tuition (whereas I got a full scholarship) and because of that my parents helped me with a house payment that she probably won't get.
At first, I thought that it was best to not bring this up with your folks. I still think it's best to not bring up the hurt you're feeling with them. That said, since it sounds like your mom may be avoiding wedding talk because she feels bad she can't help, and it is keeping her & you from getting excited about the wedding, maybe you could have a *limited* conversation about this with her.
Could you say something like, "Mom, I understand that you and Dad aren't in a position right now to contribute financially to the wedding, but I'd still love for you to be involved in XYZ." Then, maybe invite her to join you in crafting/DIY if that's your thing, or picking out things for the wedding, or dress shopping, or whatever might help her feel included and excited.
This way, you take the financial pressure off her and kill the elephant that seems to be in the room. Hopefully that opens up the possibility of her (and you) feeling more excited about the wedding and about what you CAN do together :-)
ask your sister to chip in or to lend you jewellrey or something, play the whole "poor me" card.
It's natural to be jealous and wish that things could be more fair. It just happened that my sister got to go to France twice in high school because those years my dad could afford it. I missed Spain in the year in between because we didn't have the money. (Our school alternated years going to spain and france). Same thing with prom, my sister went both 11 and 12 grade, but when I got to 12th grade money was tight and I ended up not going. (She was two years ahead).
I wish things had been more even for us back then, but it just didn't work out at the time. Try not to let it get you down though, and remember to stay focused on the big picture. My husband and I spent $3k or so and threw an awesome wedding for 85 people. Save, budget, and get creative, but awesome weddings don't have to cost a fortune.
@snake: Maybe you could start playing it off that way. Have a sit down talk with your parents and let them know that emotionally, you need more help. You are fine with them not contributing financially b/c they helped you through school. Even if it does bother you that they couldn't contribute to your wedding, I think playing it off is better. Making your mom realize that you need more help emotionally is key, and she won't be able to know that unless you tell her.
And I know it's hard to not compare your wedding to your sister's wedding, but your wedding is more your style. Some of the best weddings I've been to have been low budget weddings. I've also been to weddings where there clearly wasn't a budget and didn't have as much fun. So try to concentrate on your own wedding, and get excited for it! You're marrying the love of your life! And your closest friends and family will be there to see it! I think that the minute you stop comparing your wedding to your sister's...you'll start to enjoy yourself more and get more excited for it.
I like Julialimei's suggestion to talk to your mom. Let her know you're OK with things and would still lke her to be involved. If you aren't bringing things up to them (in an attempt to not upset them) perhaps they are taking it as you being so mad you can't even talk about it, or the like.
Also, try to focus on the good. This not only includes gtting married, but that you're reasonable and loving person. Some others in a situation like this would act like spoiled brats. Good luck with the wedding.
I think it's understandable as to why you're jealous. I also think you're a much bigger person than most people would be by not bringing it up. I'm sure your day is going to be just as grand & great. Besides, I think I'd much prefer help w/ my college education than my wedding...that degree is going to take you a lot further :)
@snake: You wedding will be beautiful. You mentioned that your family helped you with college and your sister opted not to go. I would rather have a college education than a big wedding any day. Your education will last you forever. The wedding is one day.
I am so sorry! I would be upset if I were you too, but at the same time you know they probably feel guilty enough. I grew up wealthy however I was never able to reap the benefits. Of course I had a nice life but I still had to buy my first car and work for all my spending money and pay for cell phone bill etc. etc. Well when I was in college my parents lost everything. Therefore I graduated with 100k in college loans and they have not been able to foot the bill for my wedding. It bothers me once in a while but it bothers my mother 100x more. She has hard such a hard time with this wedding because she isn't able to give me what I have always dreamed and wasn't able to foot the bill by herself.
I agree with JuliaLimei- Maybe this can be your chance to bring it out in the open and bond. They might not talk about because they do feel guilty. You can use this as a bonding experience and let her know it's okay that you can't have the same lavish wedding but you still want her to be involved and excited about the wedding.
@maggie too bad my education hasn't gotten me a decent job. I can't even seem to get interviews. Bah humbug. Sorry I digress.
I don't think i could bring it up to my mom, unfortuntely. She's really been getting on my nerves when it comes to how she talks about money/finances in general. its always "but thats so EXPENSIVE" or "i can't afford to do THAT" talking about everyday life (but like extra stuff like going out for crabs) not the wedding. She would get so distraught if i confessed that I'm struggling with it. I would never hear the end of it.
I'm going to jump in with an unpopular opinion - and not just directed at the original poster, who seems to be handling the situation wonderfully and tactfully. And if I were in her shoes I'd be bummed that my older sister got a nicer, more expensive wedding, even if I did understand the circumstances, parents wish they could have done the same, etc.
However, here on Weddingbee there are a lot of threads where people are upset their parents aren't giving more money to them, or giving any money to them, or one family isn't contributing as much as the other, or a different sibling got a better wedding (again, not directed at the OP). And these posts all sound so entitled, and really, none of us (to my knowledge at least) are truly entitled to our parents throwing us a huge wedding, or paying for everything, and it gets tiring to hear people whine about it. Maybe it's b/c we paid for our own wedding, and were raised to believe that if you want something you work for it and shouldn't expect a handout, but that's just my opinion. Not trying to be harsh - just trying to point out that none of us should expect or feel entitled to help with our wedding, and should be appreciative when we do get these things.
i'd be upset. but my parents have always let us know that they just can't treat all of us kids the same. they'll pay for whatever they can, but if they can't, then oh well. so i would understand, but still be a little jealous. it's natural.
I was really upset for you - I think kids should be treated equally. I think you are still allowed to be jealous and you should tell your FI. However, if your parents paid for school for you and not for her then it does balance a bit better.
Focus on how your wedding will be beautiful in its simplicity.
@smokin I'm not feeling entitled at all. like I said originally all i wanted to do was get it off my chest with someone that wasn't kin to the situation. I'm not going to bring it up to my parents because it would do more damage than good. I've been a little down about it because her wedding was litterally over 35 grand overall and I'm not getting any help... but its not because i'm poor cinderella with parents who hate her. TImes are different. I'm not crying over it but I think its natural to be a little jealous and sad about it... now if i made a circus out of my feelings then i'd be ridiculous.. just saying i have these inner feelings and i feel guilty at that doesnt mean i feel entitled.. if i did i would have "demanded" some help.. but ew, gross.. no way. i love them and they love me. i know that. i just didnt want to feel like an @ss because i have feelings.
not that you were saying i was entitled or w/e but i felt the need to defend myself
Of course - and I really was trying to say that I thought you were handling things well considering what was going on, but it did remind me of other posts I've read where people did seem entitled (I had also just read the disappointed in gift post and was riled up over that). I probably should have started a new post with my rant on how some people are, I definitely didn't intend to direct it at you personally.
I think it is totally understandable and I hope it all works out well for you :) I would be upset as well! It doesn't mean you are acting as if you are "entitled" just...disapointed!
@snake: you aren't an awful person for being upset. If I am really reading this right, you are more upset that people aren't excited for the wedding. It seems as though the $$ is really secondary.
I have a similar situation. No, it's not fair but I am proud of myself and all the other bees who foot their own bill. This is not slamming those whose parents are--I would cheerfully take any and all cash offered to me:) I know my mother feels bad but I keep her involved without really discussing money. She is also helping with some of the DIY projects.
I am 41 and have been to a zillion weddings at both ends of the budget. If the bride and groom are happy and having fun, so is everyone else, it has zero to do with the amount of cash spent. Please have a more positive attitude about your wedding and quit the "no big deal" attitude. You are joining with the man you love and creating a new family. This is a big deal even if it isn't a big budget. Everyone is going to feed off your energy, positive or negative.
I would be pissed. It's crappy, I think parents should treat each kid fairly. I mean, not every dollar the same, but something. You're a good daughter for realizing that your parent's can't help right now and not blaming them.
@beekiss i would never blame them. I know it kills them inside.. my sisters first marriage dissolved after only 5 years and my parents never even brought up how much it cost them.. i thought that was awesome. She was feeling so guilty.. but her Ex was such scum (he had an entirely different family on the side!).
in fact, i appriciate everyones input saying I should talk to my parents but i dont want them to feel worse than they already do.. its unnessary and its only one day--- im more excited about the marriage afterall. I guess my issue is that my FI and his family have footed the bill... i know his money for the wedding should be considered our money but.. he earned it all.. i was unemployed until recently. His parents are wealthy and have helped with minor details, which is very nice of them.
i know people are going to feed off my energy, and i need to be as positive as possible. There is a lot of pressure on weddings!
You're not a terrible person at all. It's natural to be this way when things aren't "fair". My parents have a lot more money now than when I was their "responsibility". I worked my own way through university a full time job and a butt load of student loan debt. They paid for my sister's university/living expenses and paid for her to go to Australia/Thailand for six months after graduation.
It's sometimes hard to write it off as just "she came through at a lucky time, and I didn't".
i would feel the same way, its good that you accept that times have changed and that your parents simply cant afford to help you foot the bill. I think its ok to talk to you FI about it, because the more you talk about somthing the less it bothers you.
I'd be upset too, and you've got a great handle on keeping those feelings in check with your family. But like you mentioned, its just their current financial situation that they cant help you now, so whether or not your sister was married a few years back or not, today would not change. Don't focus on the second daughter to be wed part.
With this said.... whatever i do for future daugther #1, if i have a daughter #2, I'll be sure to set aside similar wedding funds for #2 if I decide to help #1!
I am the only daughter, the first granchild, and we are still paying for everything ourselves. If I had gotten married 5 years ago, I know my family would have offered to help. But our family business closed after 35 years. I know my mom feels terrible not being able to help. My brother is getting married the month before and his finacee's family is covering a lot of the expenses. She feels like she is letting me down. But you know what, my fiance and I are pretty ingenous at finding good deals. I'm happy to have Mom help with the DIY projects. We can have Mom-Daughter quality time.
I would concentrate on the fact that while she had a wedding you will have a marraige to a great guy, that tops an huge wedding anyday. if you making your wedding meaningful and full of fun then a great atmosphere is more important than a big budget
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