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It would certainly make for an easier excuse to tell the groomsman, rather than "you are a total jerk - I want you out". That being said, I think it's not a bad idea ONLY if you really think your bridesmaid would prefer to be let go of the responsibility. If not, I would definitely say no because it's kind of mean to cut out a bridesmaid just to make it easier to get rid of a groomsman.
That's a little sneaky. But I guess it depends on what your fiance will think. If you really despise the groomsman, you should probably discuss how you feel about him with your man before kicking out one of his friends. I don't think the fact that you removed a bridesmaid is a good enough reason to un-ask someone your fiance asked to stand up with him at the wedding.
... that's a little bit extreme. You can tell her that it's okay if she can't make it back, but I don't think you should just kick her out. That could cause some hurt feelings. Really, there's no reason to be sneaky about anything- it might get it done, but it's just not... nice. Sit down with your FI and tell him that he needs to talk to his groomsman about his attitude. Since you didn't give many specifics, I don't know if it's one of his close friends or what, but if your FI has chosen him to stand up there, there's got to be a reason and it's not really fair of you to want to just throw him out without your FI's opinion and input.
Well, this is related to an earlier post of mine about our groomsman "Vince" who is a total jerk.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/one-of-our-groomsmen-is-a-total-jerk
I was just thinking that I don't want my friend "Jane" to feel obligated to leave her busy career in Paris just for my wedding. She insisted that she would, but I also know how relieved she would be if she was alleviated of her responsibility. I don't think I'm being a bridezilla by wanting to kick out this groomsman. He's just been totally inappropriate throughout our whole engagement but my fiance and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to this guy. On the other hand, my fiance would have no trouble letting Vince off the groomsman duties if he knew that Vince wouldn't have a partner.
I know you really want to get rid of this guy and I think that's totally understandable, but are you sure your FI is going to be okay with kicking Vince out just because you're down one bridesmaid? He might be kind of annoyed that despite him saying he wants Vince to be a groomsman, you're still trying to find a way to kick him out. It will be obvious what you're doing.
Did your FI ever talk to Vince and ask him to stop being so negative? Maybe it's time to talk about how nothing has changed and it's making you feel incredibly stressed out about your wedding day, instead of happy. Try to turn this into something he can do to help you. He loves you and he wants you to be happy, but it will be easier for him to think about kicking Vince out if he doesn't feel like he's being forced.
i don't know about that, your friend might be hurt that you're kicking her out when she's coming all that way just to come to your wedding. plus, does your fi know how you feel about his groomsman? he obviously picked him for a reason. he might say that he's ok with an uneven bridal party, or choose someone else to kick out. it's probably easier just to deal with him.
It is definitely not your decision about who your fiance chooses to stand up for him as a groomsman.
I think it is kinda Bridezilla to create this whole scenario to get your fiance to willingly get rid of his friend (sorry!), especially since he likes the guy. What if you got rid of your Paris BM and then your fiance decides to boot a different GM?!?! That would probably be the worst scenario.
If the Paris BM has already insisted she still wants to be in your wedding, then she wants to be in your wedding and I wouldn't bring up stepping down to her again.
I don't think you should kick out your bridesmaid AT ALL. I would be really hurt if I got kicked out of a wedding just because I moved to another country. It's one thing if she has expressed to you that she doesn't think she can be in your wedding any more due to living abroad, but if she hasn't, then it is very possible that she is very much looking forward to your wedding as an opportunity to be with you and her other friends after being in a foreign country for so long.
As for the groomsman, it is your fiance's call, not yours. In your other post you say that your fiance refuses to kick him out because "Vince" has been there for him through thick and thin. Just like you chose your girls, your FI has chosen the people that are most important to him and that he wants to stand with him on his day. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but this just isn't your decision to make.
Keep in mind that you won't be spending that much time with the groomsmen anyway, just a few photos after the ceremony and that's it. It is not worth the drama and the friendship fallout that will ensue. If Paris girl can't make it to your wedding, then just have uneven sides. There is no requirement to have even sides. I've been in a wedding where the sides were uneven and it was totally fine and nobody even noticed.
I don't think you have to kick out a bridesmaid in order to get rid of the groomsman. Nobody will notice if your wedding party is uneven by one person.
@ Jacqi - Thank you for your honesty, you're right, these actions may appear to be "Bridezila-ish" however, if you knew this guy Vince you'd probably want to choke him yourself, I know most rational brides would, as I've asked around. He always makes comments to us like "Marriage sucks".. "There's a 50 percent divorce rate"... "You're wasting your money on this wedding"... "Marriage is prison"... "This will be the end of your lives". Imagine hearing these comments over and over and over again during all the wedding party get-togethers. It really isn't appropriate. My fiance is a good-hearted man and he continues to tolerate this groomsman because he claims it is "Vince's time of need, and he won't abandon him by kicking him out of our party." Fine, I can sympathize that Vince's life is virtually in the toilet and the last thing he needs is to be dumped by a friend from their wedding party, however, it does not give him a right to take a dump all over our wedding, and failing to keep his mouth shut should result in him getting removed from the party. I know it sounds harsh, but why should I sacrifice my comfort on my own wedding day just because Vince knocked up a girl and was forced to marry her therefore he's now miserable? As for "kicking out" one of my bridesmaids, you're right, it's not necessary. The issue is about Vince and not about her, even if she is going to Paris. I'm just very annoyed because I think every bride and groom deserves to have a weddnig party that is wholeheartedly supportive and positive during the whole wedding planning process. No bride or groom deserves a jerk-off to be part of their party.
I am glad that you are reconsidering about kicking out the bridesmaid.
I actually read through your other thread and I agree with you that Vince sounds like a jerk but seriously, you will NOT be spending that much time with the groomsmen on your wedding day! I hardly had time to even talk to most of our groomsmen, to be honest! You spend the whole day getting ready with your girls, then during the ceremony they're just standing there, then afterwards there are some photos and that's it!
Unless you completely disinvite Vince from your wedding, the obnoxious behaviors you are worried about (getting wasted, insulting you, etc) are still a possibility regardless of whether or not he is a groomsman. If your fiance isn't budging on this one, I would really let this one go.
As annoying as Vince is, unfortunately it's not your decision whether or not he's a member of the groom's party. I wouldn't take it out on your friend!
That doesn't really make sense. Why would it be okay to kick a groomsman out b/c a bridesmaid dropped out? And why him? It would or at least should end the friendship. I think you should just be honest with him and say that you don't think he's being supportive and maybe give him a choice - shape up or ship out.
Well, you certainly have enough comments about what a bad idea it is to kick out the BM, so I won't elaborate :)
However, I really think you need to talk to your FI about "Vince." It obviously really bothers you, and he should be taking that into consideration. Is your FI in agreement with you that "Vince" is acting like an ass? I would explain to your FI what a toll this is taking on you emotionally, and even say that you understand why he wants "Vince" in the wedding party. But ask your FI to talk to "Vince" and explain that his negativity is going too far, and it's affecting you BOTH.
I would imagine the conversation going something like this:
"Vince, I understand that you're goibng through a really rough time right now, and I'm doing my best to get you through it. But I'm also going through a very happy time, and FI and I are very happy to be getting married. Whether you believe that or not doesn't matter. Right now I need you to just be a friend and be supportive of our marriage. Your negative comments have started to take a toll on our happiness as we plan this wedding, and it's getting to the point where it's hurting BOTH our feelings. I really need your support right now, so do you think this is something you can do for me?"
@ hellohellohello - Thank you! I hope you're right, that I won't get to spend much time with the groomsmen at my wedding.
@ Miss Chapstick - Thanks! My fiance is definitely an agreement that Vince is being an a$$hole. But my fiance defends him by saying "You can't really blame him. He hates his life. He got a girl pregnant and he was forced to marry her. He had to become a husband, father and breadwinner overnight and he is miserable and resentful. He's having a hard time dealing with his situation." I think this is a cop out. Everyone goes through crap in their lives but Vince is taking his misery way too far and infecting everyone else with his toxic behavior. I'll stand by my fiance's decision to keep tolerating him as a friend, but as a groomsman this behavior is not acceptable. He is disrespecting the couple that he's supposed to be supportive of. We've had "the talk" with him, but he still hasn't changed. It's like his brain doesn't work anymore because he can't control his own behavior and rude comments. He even once said that he wishes he can throw away his daughter into a dumpster. Yeah. This is our groomsman. I think at this point I either have to tune him out and suffer his presence at my wedding, or I can just be a b*tch and kick him out. It seems like everyone's voting for the "tuning out" option. So, maybe that's what I'll have to do. Anyway, I hope hellohellohello is right about me not having to be around him too much during my wedding.
@AmberEyes - Yikes, this is a really crappy situation. Honestly, if I were you, I would have your FI give him an ultimatum. I'm not usually in favor of kicking out wedding party members, but this seems to be an extreme situation. Your FI probably won't go for it based on what you've said here, but I think Vince needs to be told, "Either get yourself help and stop raining on everyone's parade, or you'll need to step down as groomsman and attend the wedding as a guest."
Your wedding is still pretty far off, so you could either do it now and get it over with before tux's are ordered, or wait a while and see if he changes after a few more "talks." It's up to you guys and what you're comfortable with.
As a bride and groom who had to ask a toxic member of the wedding party to ste down due to some pretty awful and unforgivable behavior, my husband and I can attest to that being the right decision sometimes. It made our planning so much better and easier, and once that person was gone (even though we knew the relationship would be ruined forever), it was a 1,000 pound weigiht lifted off our shoulders.
Vince is a bully and since your FI still doesn't want to kick him out, the best thing for you to do is completely ignore him. Ask everyone else to ignore him when he makes these sorts of comments also. If you find that completely impossible, at least don't show him that you're bothered. He might stop saying these things if he isn't getting the reaction he's looking for.
"Marriage sucks".. "Marriage is prison"... *saccharin sweet voice* "Aww, I'm so sorry you feel that way. You sound depressed. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"There's a 50 percent divorce rate"... "Actually, that's not accurate. You see, we're both in our late 20s and we both have jobs, so the divorce rate goes down to approximately 15%. Pretty good odds, don't you think?"
"You're wasting your money on this wedding"... "Good thing it's our money, huh?" *smile*
"This will be the end of your lives"... "Well, that's dramatic! I'm not supposed to take that seriously, am I?" *laughing, walk away*
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One of my four bridesmaids got a job in Paris and she is leaving :( She promised she would definitely be back for my wedding week, but I am now thinking that letting her off the hook would give me an opportunity to get rid of one of the groomsmen that I despise. I can just say "Jane had to bow out, so now we have to cut one of the guys." The guy I want to cut is a total jerk who has a poor attitude--something I'd rather not have at our wedding. Do you guys think this is a sneaky move? Or is it appropriate?