Post # 1
So, I posted this once before in the Beehive, but it got buried quickly, and some new developments have me upset. I guess mostly I’m just looking for support, I’m not sure there’s anything I can actually DO about it.
So, my FI and I got engaged in September of 2010. We’re coming up on 3 months to our wedding, and FI’s cousin (who had always said he’d have a DW in June or July) has decided to have a reception afterwards…on our wedding date! There’s no way they didn’t know our wedding date, because they received our STD in February and just decided on the date for their reception a couple weeks ago!! It’s in a different state, and FI’s extended family is close, so there’s a lot of overlap. Although we didn’t expect a ton of people from this particular part of the family to come, and aren’t all that upset that they won’t, I’m upset that FI’s grandparents and aunts/uncles will have to choose which to attend. And I’m also sad for FI…
Our thoughts are 1) they’re totally oblivious and didn’t know it was our date before planning (although they absolutely know now, and as far as I know, haven’t changed the date) or 2) they REALLY wanted a small thing and couldn’t get away with not inviting family. But that seems coniving and rude, and to make grandparents and everyone else choose is weird.
We’re planning to send our invites out at the beginning of June, but yesterday we saw on Facebook that they’re sending theirs out soon. So even though people have STDs for our wedding, they’re going to get their invitation first…sigh.
What do I do if we get their invitation? I suggested that we still send them a gift, to show we don’t harbor bad feelings (even if we do…) but FI is pretty angry and votes no.
There’s probably not much I can do…but I could use some support.
Post # 3
@Jess1483: Wow… that’s a rough situation! I’m really sorry you are dealing with this.
Has FI talked to his parents/grandparents about this?
How does his family feel about it? Is he close with his aunt & uncle (said cousin’s parents)? Could he ask them to persuade the cousin to move the date?
Have you or your FI talked to the cousin yet?
I think a phone call is in order to gently remind them that they have scheduled their event on your wedding date and you think it might be putting undue stress on the family.
Ask if maybe they wouldn’t mind postponing a week or so so that you can each attend each others events.
Post # 4
I’m sorry!! Tha’s awful! Have you tried asking them? Maybe it was an oversight? Maybe they can still change their date?
Post # 5
I agree with Kat–a quick phone call might clear all of this up.
Post # 6
Your FI should talk to his cousin. If the cousin can’t move the date, you may have to have your reception on another date if you want family to attend.
How about two days after the wedding so that the family with still be in town?
Post # 7
@KatNYC2011: I voted for a phone call as well. FI is too angry at his cousin right now. There’s obviously some history here, all FI says is that his cousin has always felt competitive.
FI’s immediate family is pretty upset…and confused. No one’s really sure why this is the case. FI is not close to cousin’s mom, and the only family member who tried to address it (before I even knew it was happening) did so in perhaps not the best way, so now they’re angry, and I think sticking to the date because of that…
I am having lunch with FMIL tomorrow, so perhaps we can brainstrom.
Post # 8
@futuremrshc: I think OPs wedding and reception is already booked (meaning they can’t move theirs either).OP also had the date first AND the STDs sent out prior to the cousin picking this date.
If anyone is moving anything it should be said cousin.
Post # 9
@KatNYC2011: I agree the cousin should be the one to move, but you can’t make someone do something.
Post # 10
@futuremrshc: I agree, but I don’t think just becasue the cousin won’t move that OP should be forced to move (esp since they had everything set first).
Post # 11
Yes, our wedding has been booked since October, deposits down and lots of things paid in full. Plane tickets/hotel rooms booked. There’s no way we’re moving ours, my parents would lose thousands of dollars.
I’ll try to suggest again to FI that he make a phone call. Or maybe talk to his grandparents.
Post # 12
@futuremrshc: Our wedding and their reception are in different states, so FI’s family has travel plans to our wedding already. Again, I don’t think it’s really going to change who comes to our wedding or not, just makes me sad for family members.
Post # 13
@Jess1483: Oh cousins – I’m dealing with a somewhat similar situation myself – FI’s female cousin decided to get married a couple months after us (1 month after yet another cousin) and has now decided to have her shower 6 days before my wedding, and one week after (another) cousins’ graduation in another state – meaning to attend all three, family have to travel to one state for the graduation, and then another for the shower and my wedding (both in the same area). Essentially, to attend the shower and wedding, people will be making the same trip twice in a week….on $4/gal gas, and three major trips/hotel in three weekends. Incredibly inconsiderate.
If the cousin you are dealing with is at all similar to the one I’m dealing with, they are not going to move their reception and will probably be hostile to you if you suggest it. You mentioned that their immediate family is upset about this, so that means that if they can’t convince them to change it, you won’t have much luck either. Since you don’t think your invites will be able to go out first, your best course of action might be to call those relatives that you really want to attend your wedding (grandparents, etc.) and just remind them of the date and/or mention hotel options and ask if they’ve made or thought about their reservations. Hopefully, that can get them thinking about your wedding before the other invites come and they mentally commit to yours first.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this – family like this is absolutely no fun to deal with and creates so much stress. Poop on them.
Post # 14
SEND YOUR INVITES OUT ASAP (if you can)! In all seriousness, I would try to get my invites out before theirs go out. That may be underhanded, but oh well– they put you and your FH in this situation.
Other than that, my only other advice is that I’d give this some time and let your FH make the final decision about sending a gift or not (since it’s his cousin and you said there is some sort of history there).
And I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this.
Post # 15
A phone call IMMEDIATELY is in order. I sincerely doubt that they didn’t realize that it was the date of your wedding.