Post # 1
My FI and I got engaged in December while I was a full-time grad school student and working full time. We planned a July wedding because I would be finished with grad school in May and have time off from work. It was very hard working full-rime, going to school full-time, and planning a wedding but I have been making it all work. I recently finished grad school and have been looking forward to spending my weekends doing DIY wedding projects, completing my “bride guide” for the venue, and relaxing. Sadly, FI does not think this is appropriate. He has always been “Mr. Social” which is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. The problem is, now that I am done with grad school, he wants to fill my entire weekends with social events and dates (with each other). The thing is, his sister is getting married at the end of May and I have been doing tons of wedding stuff for her, my bachelorette party and birthday are right after that, and then it’s practically wedding time. He just sent out an e-vite announcing a Memorial Day pool party at our house, and even though we are having brunch with his mother on Sunday and going to a local festival Sunday afternoon, he asked for “date night” on Saturday night with me. I told him that I have tons of stuff to do and that I considered the festival our date. He got mad, accused me of being “too tired to do anyting fun” and canceld the e-vite for Memorial Day. I feel pressure to always go out every weekend with him because it’s what he wants, but I truly just want to relax and do what I want, when I want, since I JUST finished grad school. I feel like we are on different paths right now and don’t know what to do. please advice!
Post # 3
I think it’s fine to do things once a weekend but can you compromise that Sunday will be your stay home and work on the wedding day? I do understand him wanting to get out and spend time with you. My husband is working full time and taking 2 grad classes and once the semester is over, I am going to be filling up our schedule more because I have missed spending time with him.
Post # 4
I’m sorry. You say he’s an extrovert. Would you say you’re an introvert? When we first date, we all put our best foot forward, including keeping some things to ourselves, and maybe going along with what our partner would like. Do you feel like maybe you’ve gone out on dates more in the past, and are now letting down your guard and being “more you”?
Are you feeling like really the only reason why you don’t want to go out so much is just because of all the stuff you have to do?
Even if you’ve explained to him you’re busy, maybe he really didn’t understand/ listen to you. Maybe he’s nervous about what will change once you’re married, and is trying to reassure himself that you two will still go out and have fun. If that’s the case maybe you can really try to explain to him, it’s not that you don’t want to go out, but that you really don’t feel you have the time.
Maybe you can promise that you will have fun date nights after the wedding. Or make up for the Memorial Day party, by having a house warming party after the honeymoon. Perhaps you can offer to go out with him a night or two, if he promises to stay in a night or two to help with some DIY projects.
You shouldn’t have to go out all the time if you’re not feeling it. But you also might want to find some middle ground. There will come a point you’d like him to do something he’s not crazy about. Good luck.
Post # 5
Make a list of everything that still needs to get done. I was in a similar situation with FH, and when I showed him everything that we still have to do I think it really opened his eyes and he realized that even though the vendors are all booked, not everything is finished yet.
Perhaps as a compromise, ask him to help you with your projects to free up more time for you to spend time doing fun things together. Because you can’t be “go go go” all the time, that’s how bridal breakdowns happen.
Post # 6
I totally side with you here. Your wedding is in only a few months and you have so much to do. He should be understanding of the fact that you just graduated and now have to plan two weddings. You said you are already going out that weekend with him. I don’t see why he has to book the whole weekend solid. But you really need to speak with him about what you both want. Communication is the biggie and you need to both be able to talk about how much time you want to spend home, going out, etc. and really listen to each other and hear what their needs are…good luck!!!
Post # 7
I’d compromise with him. Tell him you’d love to have people over and hang out with him but you have to have some time to work on projects that are important to you.
Have people over on Memorial day but tell him the Saturday before is dedicated to your projects (since I imagine you’d need Sunday to get ready for visitors).
Post # 8
I totally agree with you. But sometimes we Bees get so caught up in what we are doing, we sometimes neglect our FI’s. We just need to remember them once in a while! In my experience men are easy to keep happy!
Post # 9
Well we are going to have a talk about it as soon as he gets home. It’s just that he always has to have every minute of his weekend planned and with very elaborate things. I am happy with less plans and lounging by the pool with just the two of us. He always needs a crowd and has to be on the go. I just feel we are different and want different things. In the past two years, I was able to say No to a lot of things because I had grad school. Now that grad school is over, I thought I would be able to concentrate on the wedding. But he wants all these dates and crowds like before grad school when we were dating. I don’t. So he thinks his life will be over once we get married in 10 weeks. Ouch! That hurts. So I will try to have a very real talk about what we need and expect. I will let you know how that goes.
@Goldilocks1107: Thanks for the tip. I wrote a list of the things to get done and wrote a list of the weekends between now and our wedding and how busy they are already. Hopefully it will work.
Post # 10
Good luck with the talk! Sounds like he’s an extrovert and you’re not – which is totally fine, you just need to figure out a way to manage it! Doing some reading on what this means might help, e.g. if he realises that for you to be happy and energised you *need* some down time (unlike him who is the opposite) that might help. Then he’ll know it’s not that you don’t enjoy his company or want to be with him, this is just what you need to stay sane. I’m sure you will figure out how to do this as long as he doesn’t take it too personally 🙂
Post # 11
I really think that the two of you are going to have to work on compromise in the future. It isn’t good that he thinks his life is going to be over because he can’t have parties every minute of the day anymore. It’s sometimes good to have someone that is complementary to you but the two of you have to be able to work it out and figure out a balance that works for both of you.
Post # 12
Communication is most important. But hopefully you can still find time to really enjoy each other! Lets us know how the talk went.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t say that you are neglecting your FI. You already said that you and FI go out with each other/spend time with one another a fair amount in addition to doing all sorts of social things.
I’m in the exact same boat as you are. Both FI and I are rather social and I work full-time whiile planning a big wedding on my own. FI gets upset when I don’t want to go out to a bar with him on a Thursday night. Instead of realizing that there is wedding planning/research I need to do (which is limited b/c I already have many social engagements)… he sees this rejection as me not wanting to spend time with him.
Personally I don’t find this argument to have any merit b/c going out to a bar to meet up with friends isn’t exactly something I consider one-on-one quality time together. 🙂 Both FI and I have weekly date nights and spend a lot of time together and with friends anyway. I don’t see the problem in wanting one night of alone time to get things done. Sometimes I think that since I’m the one doing practically all of the planning, FI doesn’t neccessarily see how much work it really takes to put this all together.
When we have these little tiffs, I try re-itterating to him that planning a wedding is another full-time job in itself and that I don’t think it’s fair for him to label me as a wet blanket b/c I want to spend one night a week trying to put together one of the most important days of our life! 😉 Typically he starts getting it and appologies for guilting me and goes off on his own. 🙂
Post # 14
I know how this can be. My FI and I faced a similar situation last year, only with roles reversed. He finished up a big project at work, and I was excited thinking he would now have all this free time to spend with me. I was totally crushed when he picked up a new project right away, because I felt like his busy schedule was supposed to be temporary and it was supposed to be my time now darn it! He, on the other hand, felt like we didn’t used to go out every weekend, so he didn’t understand why I wanted to now.
Basically what solved it for us was sitting down at the beginning of each week and coming up with a schedule for when we were going to spend time together for the upcoming week. Friday night is always date night, and that is sacred- our rule is that it must be an absolute emergence to trump date night. But Saturday evening is ours to do what we want. So if we want to hang out with other friends or one person wants to go out and the other wants to stay in, all that is fine. We have dinner a few set times a week, but we also have 2-3 nights were we do out own thing.
By deciding ahead of time, we were able to divide up our time in a way that satisfied both of us and our needs for couple time and private time. The key is agreeing to find that balance. I want to spend more time together than he does, but I know he will sacrifice nights where he would rather watch a baseball game at home to spend time with me, and he knows that I will find ways to entertain myself so he can have the time he needs (usually to work late into the night, he actually enjoys that!).
Good luck! It’s only natural to need some time to adjust to a new schedule after a major change like a graduation. You guys will figure out your new patterns soon.
Post # 15
Thanks for the advice, ladies! especially Bunny22 and GreenLeafMountain. We talked it out and things seem better. We are both really busy people with our own jobs and it’s difficult to find alone time – which is why he does take it so personal when I tell him I cannot go out. We do have dinner together almost every weeknight at home and we do like to eat out on the weekends. It’s just my idea of a “date” can be anything from going to Home Depot and doing housework together, to laying by the pool together, to doing much more. His idea of “date night” is a big production. He loves the big productions which made my past birthdays so special, my proposal so awesome, etc. But, I just do not have time for big productions every single weekend. We went out in our shorts and flip flops to grab some fish and chips last night. Then, we ended up going to a casino to play Bingo – unplanned. He finally considered it a “date night” even though we weren’t dressed up and it was spontaneous. So… we are reaching middle ground – slowly but surely.
Thanks for all of the advice. It is nice to have the hive to vent to right in the middle of a fight. Things are good now.