In desperate need of advice… (Warning: Long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’d leave.I could handle some of this individually. My husband was just out of work for about 6 months, so I don’t necessarily think that’s the end of the world. But he was constantly applying for jobs. The thing I couldn’t tolerate would be the hitting you. Every abuser always says it won’t happen again, but that isn’t always true. I don’t know that I’d ever be able to get over that.

Post # 4
30 posts
  • Wedding: November 2010

Leave Now.  He may be depressed but that does mean he has no responsibility or that it is okuti hit you.  From your post it seems like you know in your heart what you need to do.  I would suggest calling the National Domestic Violence hotliNe. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me and they can help you figure stuff out.  1-800-799-SAFE or check them out online there is a chat feature weekdays.  Some therapists will do phone counseling and I knowf first hand domestic violence advocates will do phone stuff.  I’m not saying your husband is necessarily abusive buthitting is not ok.  You deserve a life where you feel supported and safe.

Post # 5
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would feel awful and alone in your situation.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Hitting you is unexcusable.  Not helping you or being angry about the dog bite iS awful.  Leave

Post # 6
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@DesperateBee:  aw poor you!  Hugs to you.  I think you’re right that your husband is clinically depressed (assuming he hasn’t always been this lazy & numb).  Adding to that, being unemployed for a long time is really hard on one’s self-worth.  I’s easy to fall into a spiral of not bothering to do anything about it, because you already feel like shit and it’s hard to get motivated.  So I can understand that he must be going through a really rough time.

BUT – that doesn’t mean that you have to resign yourself to an unhappy marriage with a man who is not fulfilling his vows.

If I were you (and I have been in a similar position), I’d lay down an ultimatum that he NEEDS to seek help for his depression.  Often the depressed person is so unable to motivate, and also isn’t able to see how wrong things are, that they can’t even do this without a lot of external.  So help him make an appointment, go with him to the doctor, make sure he fills out a prescription, remind him to take it, etc.  If it turns out the doctor thinks he’s fine, no harm no foul.  Otherwise, it could really help.

As for the job stuff, I feel for you.  It’s really hard to help motivate someone else without coming across as nagging.  I know what helped me was to set a small daily goal, like spending one hour a day applying for jobs / networking / etc.  I do think that if he’s feeling less depressed, he’ll be more motivated – but it can take months to feel better.

If you try all of this and he refuses to budge on any of it, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell him you want at least a trial separation.  We all have problems that crop up in life, but it’s unfair of him not to try to work through them in order to be a good partner to you.

Anyway, (((hugs))) again.

ETA: oh man, I got all caught up in the depression / unemployed thing and forgot that he HIT you!  If it weren’t for the medication, I would want to leave.  Even once is not acceptable.  But the fact that this medication might cause aggression, combined with his mental state and the fact that he’s normally the most gentle person… I think any physical abuse should 100% intolerable, but I can also see another side in this case.

Still, you are well within your rights to decide that this combination of factors is just too much and too unfair to you.

Post # 7
451 posts
Helper bee

It won’t get better. No fix for no intrinsic motivation. He will put on a good front and try to get a job when you tell him you want a divorce but my ex-husband still can’t hold onto a job (with a college degree) and it’s been 7+ years since his stint of unemployment and depression began. Toooo much stress from day one with no partner by your side. 

Post # 8
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Ouch. I think leaving mught be the wake up call he needs. Try a trial separation… maybe he will listen to you then!

Post # 10
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@DesperateBee:  Tell your husband you”re done and its time for him to move out. Then get your own apartment – even if you have to get a room mate.  

If you are at all interested in saving the relatioship, then tell him when he gets a job, keeps it, gets his shit together and demonstrates through time and effort he’s ready to be an adult and a husband, to give you a call, but until then, you are not interested in any more bullshit.

If you”re not interested in saving the marriage, tell him its over.  

Either way, he needs a boot in the ass.  He’s had plenty of time and opportunity to get a job and contribute.  Stop making it possible for him to not do any of it.  

Post # 11
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He hit you.  That’s enough.  He has to go.  Abuse only gets worse.  Talk to your parents about getting him out of their home.  Too bad if he has nowhere else to go.  He is a domestic abuser, he can go sleep in a trash dumpster for all anyone should care.

Your other problems with him are bad enough, but they’re just white noise compared to his hitting you.  A PP posted about the DV hotline–please use it!

Please get away from this guy beforehe hurts you again.  You are not safe with him.

Post # 12
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

People, he HIT her!

I think that’s way more important than his slacker misery.

Post # 14
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@DesperateBee:  I got to “He hit me” and that’s as far as I needed to read. If he hit you once, he will do it again. Walk and don’t look back.


Post # 15
1716 posts
Bumble bee

As soon as I read the part where you said he hit you, I was yelling “Leave, leave, leave!” in my head.

It is not acceptable for him to hit you. Abuse is a reason to end a marriage — it’s a dealbreaker. Other bees might suggest that you could try to work it out with him, but not me. If he hit you once, he could hit you again or do something even worse. 

Abuse aside, it doesn’t sound like he is living up to his responsibilities. You are trying to keep your vows, keep your marriage together, and move forward in life, but he doesn’t seem to be trying to do any of those things. If what you say is true, it doesn’t sound like you can rely on him at all.

This doesn’t sound like a viable marriage. 

Post # 16
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’d leave. I’d leave if there weren’t children, and I’d leave even faster if there were kids. Abuse is something I will break my vows for, without question.

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