- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Hi, bees. Going in cognito for this one because I don’t want to embarrass myself or my husband, but I desperately need some advice. My question is this, assuming that there are no children involved (because there aren’t any as we have no children), would you stay with your husband under the set of circumstances I’m about to describe, and if so, for how long would you do it?
We’ve been married for about a year and a half, and I’ve been supporting us the entire time. When we got married, he was going to college to become a plumber (which I put him through), but he graduated from that back in May and hasn’t done a single thing with it since.
I’m a deeply spiritual person and even though the thought of breaking my vows (to stay with him until death through good times and bad, for richer or for poorer) kills me, I am having an extremely difficult time convincing myself that I should keep my promises to someone who doesn’t keep the promises he makes me.
For example, he keeps promising me to get a job but he doesn’t. One day he even acknowledged that he’s failed me as a husband and swore he’d do anything to help me out, apply for any and every job he possibly could, but that was weeks ago and he still hasn’t applied for a single job.
Also, what about his vow to love, honor, and cherish me? My husband hit me two months ago. It was the first and last time he’s ever done this, and he’s begged me for my forgiveness multiple times, but I know that I haven’t actually forgiven him and my feelings for him have been changing for him ever since. I just can’t understand how or why it happened. He says I should know that it isn’t like him and I do–my husband used to be one of the most gentle people I ever knew and I’d never think in a million years that he’d ever lay a hand on me. In fact, if any one ever suggested to me that he would ever do something like this, I would have laughed in their face. He had taken a new medication for the first time that day and even his doctor said that one of the side effects could be aggressiveness, but my heart doesn’t really accept this excuse and I began to be suspicious and fearful of him for the first time since I met him. This situation was not helped by the fact that I was also attacked by a dog a few weeks ago (it jumped on me and bit me on my upper-arm) and my husband failed to protect me in any way. Not only did he stand there and watch, but he wasn’t even angry at the dog for attacking me. The attack was unprovoked, in case you were wondering, and I happen to be a huge animal lover. Am I wrong for feeling like other husbands would have torn that dog apart for attacking their wives? Between him hitting me and letting that dog attack me, I don’t feel loved, protected, cherished, or safe–instead, I feel hurt, betrayed, and worthless.
Meanwhile, I’m also completely ashamed of the way we live. I love him but I hate our life together and I don’t feel like this is a real marriage. Would you? We live in my parents’ basement appartment because I can’t afford to get a house on my salary alone. We were supposed to be saving up to get a house, but he isn’t making any money and almost all of the money I make has to go towards bills, gas, and groceries. We desperately need to be in our own place and I want that more than anything. I also really want children but we can’t afford to have them as we are just barely making ends meet as it is. We also have no sex life because my parents are always home (and barge in whenever they feel like it) and we don’t even sleep in the same bed because he developed Sleep Apnea shortly after we got married and I can’t get any sleep with him snoring his head off next to me. Even though I have health insurance and we COULD get him the machine he needs, but he just hasn’t bothered to go pick one up.
I know that people are going to advise me to talk to my husband about all of this and tell him how unhappy I am in our marriage, but I’ve already been there and done that (multiple times), and nothing changes. I get lots of apologies, excuses, and promises, but no actual action. Going to couples counselling is also not an option for us because we live in a small area where most therapists are only operating the same hours I have to work, I obviously can’t give up my job, and I can’t get away from work for just an hour or two to go to counselling because of the nature of my job (which I don’t want to get into). He could go to counselling, though, and I think he should because I honestly think he has Depression, but he keeps refuting this.
So how would YOU feel in this situation and what would you do? I’m at my wits’ end here. I went into this marriage prepared to do anything and everything I could to keep my marriage vows, but the problem is I’ve already done all I can, I’ve made sacrifices that I don’t even want to talk about in this post, and my marriage is STILL failing. I don’t know what to think, feel, believe, or do anymore. I’m completely lost. I never imagined myself giving up on a marriage, but I also never imagined having the kinds of problems that we do (or so many of them at the one time). I knew that marriage meant commitment and a willingness to work things out, but I also expected children, a home of our own, a sex life, and a husband who would love me and help me build a life together. I know that every marriage has problems, but I’m beginning to think that this is not a marriage and our problems are beyond what the average wife has to contend with, or am I wrong in saying this?
I appreciate any and all advice.