Post # 1
I am desperately in some need of advice.
My fiance and I got engaged October and since then have picked a date, booked the hall, DJ, photographer. There isn’t really much for us to do now other than little things and make all the DIY projects. My furture MIL is mad at my fiance and I because we haven’t asked her for any help (to clarify we haven’t asked my parents for any help either). She called the other night and was telling us that they are hurt and that weddings should be all about family. I believe this all just started from us not asking his sister to be one of my bridesmaids (but that is another huge issue, that I’m not going to get into). She said that we have to ask her to do things for this and she is NOT going to offer. She said she doesn’t want to offer and feel pushy, but her saying we have to ask is kinda the same thing! So the phone call ended that in order to make her somewhat happy we have to ask her to do things. I was not stressed out at all about anything wedding related before we got this phone call. Now I am beyond stressed out and can’t stop worrying about everything. I can stress myself out and worry and I just don’t think its fair to be put into this kinda position. Weddings are supposed to be a happy time for the bride and groom now I am just not feeling that happy about things anymore because I am so concerned if I am going to get yelled at or hated for whatever I choose to do next.
Before this my fiance was all about what WE want but now he feels that he has to take her side to make her happy and do what she wants or she will be mad at us for the rest of our lives. This has caused so much stress and tension between us (including fighting which we never do). Now it seems as if he has forgotten that this is our wedding and not hers. To get rid of drama I am willing to compromise on some things but I am really at the point as to why do I have to compromise when this is our wedding. Is it selfish of me not to cave into everything she wants? because that is pretty much waht I am being told anyways. This just frustrates me, I want the wedding thatwe want, that we have talked about and decided upon. This is just so hard for me because I am the person who always puts everyone else before me and now I’m just like, I want what I want this is my day but I’m being made out to be a horrible person for it.
So now we have to think of some things for her to do and this is what we have come up with so far. I know you really shouldn’t be asking for these things but this is what we have to do. We are going to ask her to throw us a wedding shower, under the condition that only people invited to the wedding are invited (I have a feeling this might be an issue). We are also going to ask her if she can plan the rehearsal dinner/BBQ thing in her backyard. I would really appreciate any other ideas of what we could ask her to do
I get excited when I finish something wedding related and feel accomplished which makes me want to put it as my facebook status (this could be tacky I know). But when I finish a project, or find something that I needed to buy for the wedding it just makes me happy and I want to tell everyone. But now I feel like maybe I shouldn’t say a single thing wedding related on there anymore incase it causes more problems or drama. Ugh!
Post # 3
I think that asking her to plan the rehearsal dinner and bridal shower are really good ideas. Parents can get crazy around weddings, I’m sure we have all expereinced some of this. It is not that they are trying to make us stressed out or upset, they are just dealing with their own reactions to this life transition. As important as our weddings are to us, it is importent to remember that our parents are also experiencing a very important milestone in thier own lives, the day that their children marry. The begining of a new stage of life. Letting go of your child and embracing them as adult-children. Giving your FMIL small tasks, or big ones as you suggested, are just a way to help her feel involved and wanted in a very emotional and exciting life experience.
Post # 4
Since you have some DIY projects, could you ask both moms to come over and help? That way they can feel that they’re contributing (even on a small level) and it gives you a chance to do some “girl talk” and hopefully ease the rift that started to develop with you and FMIL?
Post # 5
I agree that asking for the rehearsal dinner and shower is a start. I would normally say you shouldn’t ask for those things, but if she’s dying for you to ask her to do something then you might as well have her throw you some parties. Also, agree on the enlisting help for DIY projects thing. That’s something you’ll need help with anyway and she can feel like she’s contributing.
Post # 6
I like Goldi’s idea to help with the DIY projects… also, I think that even talking with her about your wedding plans will help her feel more included… like when you book the hall and dj and photographer, you could call her up afterwards and talk about it with her… i mean that way you still got to plan it yourself, but you’re “keeping her in the loop” sort of thing, so she feels part of it. I dont think parents should have too much say, but they do deserve some, family is a huge part of the wedding, and especially if they are helping to pay for it, then you can ask and consider their input possibly, unless its totally not what you want… but hopefully there is some sort of compromise.. your FI is just being a typical man, trying to keep the peace lol, I dont think he’s taking sides, but just trying to keep his mom happy.
Post # 7
Thanks for the imput everyone!
It is just really frustrating to me because we talked about about things in the beginning to get imput and advice about everything and kept everyone in the loop. I was so excited about things all I wanted was someone to ask me or talk to me about them. We would talk about things bridesmaids, venues, photographers, projects…etc. and then we get this call out of nowhere and its like.. everything we have talked about before she has forgotten about. She says we have never talked to her about these things and that we have never mentioned it, which is not true. This just really frustrates me. When we did talk to her about things it did seem as if she wasn’t really interested.
I’m going to ask for the shower and rehearsal and see what happens from there. My DIY projects are pretty personal to me and I’m wanting to do them all myself. That might make me sound selfish but I’m really picky with what I want, I’m a designer what can I say!? lol.
Post # 8
I think my MIL might have been a little upset I didnt ask for her input more often but I wasnt doing it to be rude! I had all the ideas in my head and I think my DH explained it best when he said they didnt want us to run everything by them for approval, but just to let them know what was going on so they could help if needed, were in the loop and overall just felt more involved. Like you, alot of my stuff was DIY projects like the place cards, menu cards, etc that I myself wanted to do. They planned the whole rehearsal dinner and my shower and I ended up asking them for help with the hotel bags and even the favors – we spent a night putting them all together with them. Id say your best bet is just to include them – you dont have to ask them to help or anything but just let them know what is going on so they feel more involved.