- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
So my FBIL got engaged in the past week, and they have already announced to us, as well as other family that they plan to have their wedding the first weekend of June, ours is set for August 16. My FH and I have been through a lot, and have waited until the “perfect time” to get engaged/married, so there are a lot of sensitive issues surrounding this that I could use advice on.
1.) My FH is trying to cope with feeling like his younger brother can’t “let him have” anything. They are EXTREMELY competitive with each other, and since I can be honest here, his brother and I have not ever been close by any means. The moment that really broke my heart is when he said to me “I should have done this sooner. Everyone’s going to look at me and wonder why I waited so long.” Which really isn’t true-we’ve been together 3 years, and I think the fact that we were friends for 12 years prior to dating makes it feel a little longer, but this truly is the perfect time for us. I’m graduating from nursing school at the end of May, and this will give us the perfect chance to “start our life” together. I can’t think of a better way to do that than by walking down that aisle, and saying those vows. My future SIL, who has become a good friend of mine, also informed me that as long as my FBIL thinks that these issues are mine and not my FH’s, he’s not losing any sleep over it-which in itself was a lot to deal w/.
2.) We are having an engagement party when we go home for Thanksgiving (we live out of state from family/wedding venue) FBIL and FSIL will also be in town @ this time. We are both worried that because this is the first time the majority of our family will see us/them as an engaged couple for the first time (ALL of our family is out of state from us, and the majority is also out of state from them) That our engagement party will turn into a dual thing, or about them since their engagement is more recent. I’ve had a few suggestions thrown out to me, and none of them seem ideal-asking her not to wear her ring that night, putting a time limit on the party (don’t like this bc ppl will be travelling up to an hour to be there. I don’t want to rush them) FSIL has offered to make an “excuse” why they have to leave the night of the party instead of the following morning (I don’t want to start this whole thing off on the wrong foot. I also don’t want his family thinking that I’m being a selfish brat). At the same time, I’m nervous that knowing my FBILs personality, he loves being in the spotlight, and my fiance is quite the opposite, and doesn’t care much for confrontation. This is a dangerous combo when we’re talking about an event that is supposed to be about us. Also, there are people in me/my fiance’s lives (friends, my family) that would have no problems speaking up for us-but again, this just makes for an uncomfortable situation all around.
3.) They just HAPPENED to set their date the weekend after I will be graduating from nursing school. My parents were planning to come to the city that week for the first time/stay for the weekend to celebrate with me, and I don’t want to step on FBIL/FSIL wedding plans-but I would be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t feel like this was “raining on my parade” This is an accomplishment that I’ve worked VERY hard for, and for several years on, and I really think I deserve this celebration. I’m VERY concerned that my fiance is going to get pressured to leave my graduation festivities early in order to get to their pre-wedding festivities in time, and I don’t think this is fair to me OR him. I don’t want him to have to choose between his brother and me. When I mentioned these concerns to her, and explained there was no way we could get there until probably late afternoon the day before their wedding, her response was (in a nutshell) “Oh well. We’ll deal with it” I’m worried mostly that we’re gonna come off as bitter and not caring by showing up for less than 48 hrs-when in fact this is not the case. A little bitter at the moment, yes. But I have promised myself to move past this by the time they get married, and we are genuinely happy for them. It’s just not an ideal time, and it’s still all fairly fresh.
4.) My future mother in law suggested having my shower earlier than originally discussed today-in February/March on one of our trips home. I think she was honestly trying to save me stress later on in the process, as I’m an out of state bride, and will be in the midst of taking my boards come June (although I was thinking we could have the shower @ the beginning of July). I’m concerned that this is going to turn into a “dual” shower, even if it’s not intended that way. My FSIL/FBIL ALSO live out of state, and I think it would just be convenient for our family in the state of our wedding to give her gifts, etc. at this time-esp since her wedding will be before mine. My mother is very much against this idea, but I’m trying to figure out how to sensitively break this to my FMIL without stepping on toes.
5.) My FSIL and I are CLOSE. I plan on asking her to be in my wedding-and have all along. We haven’t known each other long, we met in June, but it was an instant connect and just seemed right. I’m nervous that this whole situation is going to cause tension. She doesn’t deserve to be forced to play peacemaker, and I realize that. At the same time, it’s REALLY uncomfortable for me to talk wedding with her. I feel like I waited a really long time for this, and enjoy to deserve every second-and I realize it may sound selfish-but this is a time that I really don’t want to share. I’m also very nervous for them, they did this fast, and I just feel like they don’t know each other as well as an engaged couple should-but I think I already know the answer to that is to just stay out of it. It’s not my life, and I realize that. I’m much more concerned on the issues that concern me/my wedding more (as I’ve already mentioned).
6.) His family is basically not acknowledging ANY of this to us. They haven’t mentioned their engagement/wedding plans at all to us, which I find odd. Maybe just skating around a sensitive topic?? Still, it’s an important one that needs to be dealt with.
Sorry for the long post-lots running through my head about this. Any advice on ANY area is MUCH appreciated. Thanks for reading 🙂