(Closed) In Law Challenges

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

2. FSIL’s relatives won’t be there, so I don’t see a big problem. Yes people will acknowledge their engagement too and that’s ok. Certainly let FSIL wear her ring.

3. I don’t see a problem here. How long will graduation festivities last? Surely not more than a day. How long will wedding festivities last? I don’t see any problem with you arriving the day before their wedding, or indeed the morning of it. Let your FI go off to pre-wedding stuff early in the week, enjoy the week with your parents, then go to the wedding.

4. Tell FMIL there will be lots of people from your side and a dual shower is not appropriate. It may help to get FSIL on side here too.

5. Honestly I wouldn’t ask her to be in my wedding  – haven’t know her long enough. But if you do, simple don’t share details. All a BM needs to know about is the BM dresses. But if you’re worried about competition, I think not asking her is safer.

Post # 4
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It’s been said before but I will say it again- nobody is as concerned with your wedding as you are.  Their wedding is 2 months before yours- other than postponing it another whole year, they couldn’t be much further from yours in “wedding season.” It sounds like the other bride is being VERY sensitive and accomodating to you- offering to leave town rather than be at your engagement party? Saying no problem that you can’t get there sooner the weekend of the wedding?

What exactly are you looking for in this situation other than wishing that their wedding was after yours (which, sadly, you have no control over)?

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hi

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have too much advice but to let you know that we have been a similar situation to yourselves. My FI and I have been engaged for 2 years and earlier on this year moved the wedding forward to next year for personal reasons. My FBIL got engaged a month ago and has now set the wedding exaclty a month before our wedding. In all honesty I felt selfish but was gutted that he could do this to us. 

My FI was not as upset but still slightly upset. His brother found out and eventually it ended in a big argument. My FI was mainly upset because of I was so upset and he wanted to protect me!!! We have let emotions defuse a little and his brother apologised for going off on one at my FI. We apologised for seeming petty but that it really had hurt us. 

No matter what anyone says you aren’t being petty for the way you are feeling. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and that sometimes the people who hurt us don’t know about the impact unless it was the other way round. It sounds like you FSIL is really trying to help you out by not wanting this to dissolve into a big issue like ours did (which was not what we wanted at all, just wanted some acknowledgement that we had been hurt by his actions and then to move on!) 

The only advice I can give is that hopefully it will get easier and try not to let it become a competition on your side as then it makes it more difficult for them to compete against you.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 7
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@1049daysandcounting: “I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone and that sometimes the people who hurt us don’t know about the impact unless it was the other way round.”

You said it much nicer than I did. But really I think this is exactly it- I truly would not think having 2 months between our weddings would be too close to another bride, so if she felt like you felt I would be stunned. And I have a hard time imagining that they chose a weekend close to your graduation out of spite for the simple fact that it probably was completely not even on their radar when choosing a date.

It sounds like you’re a little caught up/worked up about having to think about/accomodate another couple when you have a big momentous occasion (actually, 2 big occasions) coming up in your own life. That’s totally ok, its ok to feel however you feel (it’s not like we choose what hurts our feelings, right?), but really the only solution is time. It will help put things in perspective. If nothing else, the 2 months after their wedding gets to be ALL about your wedding- just think- the other bride doesn’t even have that. I have faith that things can work out well.

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Citygirl8604:  Also, I think its great that the two of you talk frequently! She’s going to be in your life for a long time and this can be a great bonding opportunity. If you can get comfortable talking weddings with her, this can be a chance to multiply the excitement rather than divide it by having to share the time. As we can see on this community, pretty much other brides are the only other people that will share your excitement to the same degree about an upcoming wedding.

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow you are a better person than me as it was the other way round for us. My FI was less bothered and I felt more like it was a betrayal (I know maybe an over-exaggeration) but the wedding is just so important to us, especially as they know all the reasons we brought it forward!

I know for us it is a competition factor, as FBIL does not want to be the last of his brothers to be married but we have had to be the mature ones (even though FBIL is 10 years older) and back down because when he throws a paddy he gets threatening and I can’t take his immature drama. I just wish his future bride luck as I have met her just a few times and she seems lovely. 

Post # 12
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

My advice would be to just get on with what you’re doing and stop worrying about everybody else is up to.  You’ll drive yourself crazy, let alone the people around you.

My daughter has a saying that I think might be appropriate at a time like this: “Believe it or not, it’s not always all about you.”

Post # 13
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should try to be happy for your FBIL and FSIL, as should yoru FI. His wedding will be 2 months before yours – so nothing will be “taken away” from you guys. The engagement party might be a sticky situation, why not make it a joint party? Unless invites, etc. have already gone out? If they have, you can just all celebrate both of your engagements – the more things to celebrate the better!

I think your FBIL and FSIL scheduling their wedding the weekend after your graduation is not a big deal in the least – they could have done it the weekend of! I don’t think they are obligated in any way to work around your schedule of life events. 

FI and I wanted to get married in May next year (we’re getting married in March).  My parents did not want us to get married in May because my sister’s undergraduate graduation is that month – I obliged but wasn’t happy about it (the only reason we agreed is because they’re paying for it so we had no choice). My parents didn’t even want us getting married in March! They wanted us to wait until after my sister’s graduation – I refused on that one.  

Post # 15
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Citygirl8604:  “I graduate 5/27-5/29 (festivities are 3 days long, and run into the evening on 5/29.) Wedding is 6/1”

So your FI travels there on Thursday the 30th (because I’m guessing he’s best man or at least a groomsman) and you travel there on Friday the 31st.

The topic ‘In Law Challenges’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors