In Law Drama. Long but please help.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

1. So long as your FI is loyal to you, you will be OK. in-law dramas get bad when the in-laws force the man to choose between his family and his partner. From everything I read here, your FI never lets that happen. You will be alright!

2. Let your FI handle them. His family, he can deal with them. If you try to confront them, it will only get twisted against you. Unless it is truly unambiguous (e.g. directly accusing you of something), let it slide and/or let FI handle it. If FI decides he needs to remove his brother from the bridal party, just support his decision.

3. Attention can be shared, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the “attention”. Obviously the wedding day will be about you. But when it comes to kids, grandparents’ attention gets shared around.

4. The facebook hacking is inexcusable. Fortunately you live 3 hours away!

Post # 4
Member
2225 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Stop protecting his family.  They can protect themselves and they certainly aren’t protecting you.  Nor are they being nice to your FI.  You are not responsible for them or their relationship with your FI.  They are responsible for it.

Let your FI protect you even if it means that he ends up not talking to them in future.  They don’t care about his wellbeing (as they have quite clearly shown) and so they are no loss.  If they ignore you then he is right to call them out.  It is disrespectful and insulting to both of you.  It is just as bad (but just not as obvious) as what they did to his previous girlfriend.  If his brother, sister or SIL says or implies anything rude about you then your FI is right to ban them from the wedding party and even the wedding.

You are well brought up and so be pleasant and civil where possible but you don’t need to do any more than this unless they change their behaviour.  You don’t need to seek their approval.  Indeed, you are very unlikely to get it.  If they are rude about you on Facebook then you need to discuss this with your FI. 

[Be wise with your Facebook account so that it isn’t broken into.  Don’t accept unknown people as ‘friends’ and don’t give out passwords or details.] 

Every time that they don’t want to come and see you is cause for celebration.  A small glass of champagne perhaps.  Who needs such vicious, self-centred party-poopers?  Why do you want them to visit?  If they don’t visit then you don’t have to visit them.  Another quiet cause for celebration.  Perhaps you should move a little further away from them.

I don’t want to sound glib but you need to stop trying to please these people.  If they hate you then it is their loss.  The only reason to keep in contact is if, by some miracle, they have nice children who are fond of you. 

Enjoy your friends and family.  Be a loving fiancee and wife.  Make sure that you keep in contact with friends and family so that you have a good support network.

Good luck.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

callifornia:  You’re a thoughtful person trying to let your FI have a relationship with his family, even though they don’t seem like very good people. I’m glad your FI seems to be on your side though, and that’s super important in drama like this.

You’ve taken the high road too many times and now it should be about you, your FI and your future together. They’re 9 years older than you but acting as if they’re teens in high school.

We got engaged in December of last year, my FI’s kind of sister (not actually related but grew up toether in same home) got engaged January of this year. She is getting married several weeks before us and I have no issues with that. She will have her day and I’m happy for her. We will have our day and she’ll be happy for us. That’s how it should be. No one event can overshadow everyone elses lives.

Stop worrying about them. Let your FI deal with them. If he wants to kick his brother out then let him. Really, you have to think of it as this is one of the most special days in both your lives, you want to be happy on that day, you want people standing up there with you that are going to help you make it a wonderful day. And your FBIL may not actually do that.

I have a BM that I wish I could kick out of the party, but her boyfriend is a groomsman and it’s too late now so I’m just going with it. If you think your FBIL is bad now, can you imagine what he’d be like at your wedding?

Post # 7
Member
2225 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Meet on neutral territory where possible.  Talk to the kids more than the grownups and work on becoming their favourite aunt.  Invite the kids to days out and sleepovers.  Don’t argue with their parents; leave your FI to do the arguing. 

If things become unbearable (and I know that they are just about at this stage already) then you will have to ask your FI to step in and sort things out.  It’s sad for the kids because they need to have kind and consistent adults, such as you, around them.  Unfortunately you can’t keep going to see the kids if their parents make you unwelcome.  It’s sad but you are not responsible for this situation.

I also think that your FI and his mum should read the riot act to the adults the very next time that something occurs.

Then you need to concentrate on making a life for you and your future husband without his siblings in your life.  Make sure that you see your friends.  Join in lots of activities.  Enjoy your own family.

I suspect that these people have nothing against you personally (although they enjoy sniping and gossiping) but are intent on making their younger brother miserable.  This is bullying behaviour and should have been stopped when they were children.  As it is, they have turned into shallow and rather cowardly adults with the same bullying tendencies.  I think that they are jealous of your FI.  Maybe he is cleverer, more successful, more educated, better looking or just far more charming than they are.  If they can’t behave towards you both with love, tact and respect then you don’t need them in your lives.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  .
Post # 10
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i also agree with PP, you need to stop defending his family and defend yourself. they sound very toxic. good luck! 

Post # 11
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

callifornia:  I give you credit for trying to be the bigger person in this situation. It isn’t easy to deal with an In-law (or several) that you don’t like or get along with. You’ve done exceptionally well so far in attempting to keep the peace for your FI’s sake and I think you should take pride in that.

That said, have you spoken to your FI about what has been happening? Is he aware of all the stuff that’s been going on or have you been attempting to shield him from some of it?

I agree with PPs that you should allow your FI to handle his family in the way that seems best to him. He has your back and is loyal to you, which is the most important part. And its good that his parents seem to be aware of their attitudes as well.

My best advice is as follows:

1. Continue to block them from your newsfeed. I did this with FBIL’s girlfriend and it makes me so happy not to see her name or face pop up.

2. Talk to your FI when something is said or done that bothers you. It likely will be bothering him too and you guys can work out how to handle certain things in the future.

3. Try to meet up with them in a public or neutral setting. Everyone can be on common footing in that situation and you can leave whenever you feel it is necessary.

4. Continue being an awesome Aunt and Uncle to the kids. Just because the parents are assholes doesn’t you can’t still have a great relationship with the kiddies.

5. Allow your FI to handle future issues with them as you guys see fit. Stop defending his family so much and allow him to start setting firm boundaries with them as to what behavior is and is not acceptable. It may cause issues and may not solve anything, but you guys shouldn’t have to put up with that stuff.

6. Finally, continue being a kind and sweet person to them when necessary. If they start acting up then FI can step in and handle it, but otherwise just continue being awesome. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

callifornia:  

Blood talks to blood. Toxic in-laws need to be dealt with by their own family and not in-laws. 

I have so much sympathy for you because I know how it feels to have toxic in-laws. Like your hubby, my husband also stands up for me and protects me from his family when they are out of line. Husbands like ours are the greatest defence against toxic in-laws. 

Block his family on FB and delete them from Facebook if you haven’t already. I have deleted all but two of my husband’s family from my page, because the others were gossiping about what I posted to my MIL. It was very creepy to have my MIL ask me about things that I never told her. 

I love the way you try to be the bigger person. When we stay polite and friendly to nasty in-laws, they are the ones who look like idiots. 

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