Post # 1
Okay, this is my first post but i need a different perspective.
I’ve been with my FI for 4 years, we got engaged on new years eve of this year and are getting married in April 2015. My problems lie with his siblings.. Brother, sister & SIL.. we’ve never been close and nor do i expect to be, there’s an age gap of about 9 years with his sister and sister in law, they have kids and we don’t, list goes on. I’ve always made the effort to visit them when we make the 3 hour drive back to our home town, I’ve never been rude intentionally or said a bad word about them but i’ve put up with 4 years of them going through stages of ignoring me while i’m in the room, to talking about me behind my back..
We share a mutal friend who is a very neutral guy, doesn’t like to take sides or speak ill of anyone and he’s mentioned that they admitted to him they go through phases of liking me and then hating me ? which is hurtful. I’ve always taken it on the chin because I’d rather sit quietly than have my FI lose his family.
Some bad ground info on the siblings & SIL. My FI was in a previous relationship where they had hacked into her facebook, sent messages calling her nasty nasty things, said she was cheating on him etc none of which was true.. but essentially they drove her away and my FI didn’t talk to his sister or brother for over a year… this was because my FI and his then girlfriend had gone to enquire about a house loan. <br /><br />He has always said that if they ever do anything like that to me than that’s it, they’re out of his life for good.. and i’d never want that for him so i just keep quiet.. also they’re the kind of people who are never in the wrong, so no matter if we bought it up, it’d be our fault ? <br /><br />Which brings me to now, my FI are getting married next april, so the attention will be on us.. we’re looking at building our first home, the attention will be on us.. when we decide to have kids, the attention will be on us.. my FI thinks that they just get jealous so do whatever they can to draw the attention back to them.. <br /><br />my FSIL made my FMIL cry at our engagement because “no one was talking to her and asking what was wrong with her” :/
I’m just done with having to take their silent treatments or their sly comments on facebook/to my face but i don’t know how to be the bigger person and try to get it to stop ? my FI wants to have it out with his brother and kick him out the wedding party but so far i’ve gotten him to hold off because there’s a huge chance he’d regret that in the future.. <br /><br />I don’t know if i’m so emtionally invested that i can’t see clearly atm and maybe it’s not that bad ? and that i’m over reacting but i was raised to be nice and respectful, meaning you don’t ignore someone while they’re right in front of you. <br /><br />oh dear, i think i’ve rambled 🙁
Post # 2
1. So long as your FI is loyal to you, you will be OK. in-law dramas get bad when the in-laws force the man to choose between his family and his partner. From everything I read here, your FI never lets that happen. You will be alright!
2. Let your FI handle them. His family, he can deal with them. If you try to confront them, it will only get twisted against you. Unless it is truly unambiguous (e.g. directly accusing you of something), let it slide and/or let FI handle it. If FI decides he needs to remove his brother from the bridal party, just support his decision.
3. Attention can be shared, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the “attention”. Obviously the wedding day will be about you. But when it comes to kids, grandparents’ attention gets shared around.
4. The facebook hacking is inexcusable. Fortunately you live 3 hours away!
Post # 3
He is definitely loyal to me! i feel sorry for him because his family seems to see him as not worthy to be around.. we lived 20 minutes away at one stage and we would never have his family come over because it was “too far” but it was perfectly acceptable for us to have to drive there every weekend and if we didn’t, shit would hit the fan.
<br />We’ve had a lot of drama the last week and his brother is always going to pick his wife which is good and i get that because that’s how relationships should be but at the same time they don’t understand that, that’s only what my FI is doing right now for us, our happiness is being taken away by them so we’re just going to take some space and let them get over it.
deep breaths haha.
Post # 4
Stop protecting his family. They can protect themselves and they certainly aren’t protecting you. Nor are they being nice to your FI. You are not responsible for them or their relationship with your FI. They are responsible for it.
Let your FI protect you even if it means that he ends up not talking to them in future. They don’t care about his wellbeing (as they have quite clearly shown) and so they are no loss. If they ignore you then he is right to call them out. It is disrespectful and insulting to both of you. It is just as bad (but just not as obvious) as what they did to his previous girlfriend. If his brother, sister or SIL says or implies anything rude about you then your FI is right to ban them from the wedding party and even the wedding.
You are well brought up and so be pleasant and civil where possible but you don’t need to do any more than this unless they change their behaviour. You don’t need to seek their approval. Indeed, you are very unlikely to get it. If they are rude about you on Facebook then you need to discuss this with your FI.
[Be wise with your Facebook account so that it isn’t broken into. Don’t accept unknown people as ‘friends’ and don’t give out passwords or details.]
Every time that they don’t want to come and see you is cause for celebration. A small glass of champagne perhaps. Who needs such vicious, self-centred party-poopers? Why do you want them to visit? If they don’t visit then you don’t have to visit them. Another quiet cause for celebration. Perhaps you should move a little further away from them.
I don’t want to sound glib but you need to stop trying to please these people. If they hate you then it is their loss. The only reason to keep in contact is if, by some miracle, they have nice children who are fond of you.
Enjoy your friends and family. Be a loving fiancee and wife. Make sure that you keep in contact with friends and family so that you have a good support network.
Post # 5
callifornia: You’re a thoughtful person trying to let your FI have a relationship with his family, even though they don’t seem like very good people. I’m glad your FI seems to be on your side though, and that’s super important in drama like this.
You’ve taken the high road too many times and now it should be about you, your FI and your future together. They’re 9 years older than you but acting as if they’re teens in high school.
We got engaged in December of last year, my FI’s kind of sister (not actually related but grew up toether in same home) got engaged January of this year. She is getting married several weeks before us and I have no issues with that. She will have her day and I’m happy for her. We will have our day and she’ll be happy for us. That’s how it should be. No one event can overshadow everyone elses lives.
Stop worrying about them. Let your FI deal with them. If he wants to kick his brother out then let him. Really, you have to think of it as this is one of the most special days in both your lives, you want to be happy on that day, you want people standing up there with you that are going to help you make it a wonderful day. And your FBIL may not actually do that.
I have a BM that I wish I could kick out of the party, but her boyfriend is a groomsman and it’s too late now so I’m just going with it. If you think your FBIL is bad now, can you imagine what he’d be like at your wedding?
Post # 6
thanks 🙂 <br /><br />Their kids do adore us which makes it hard and they’re just kids so we do try to see them purely to see the kids but now it’s at a point where I don’t feel welcome in their houses.
Eh their loss i suppose! We spoke to FI mum about it and all she had to say was “so they’re starting up this sh*t again” <br /><br />I’ve changed my password on my facebook regularly.. but they did set up their kids ipods through my apple account so i often change that as well! sad that i have to even think like that. <br /><br />I’ve also hidden them from my newsfeed so i don’t have to see they’re petty little things. <br /><br />I feel better!! thanks so much!
Post # 7
Meet on neutral territory where possible. Talk to the kids more than the grownups and work on becoming their favourite aunt. Invite the kids to days out and sleepovers. Don’t argue with their parents; leave your FI to do the arguing.
If things become unbearable (and I know that they are just about at this stage already) then you will have to ask your FI to step in and sort things out. It’s sad for the kids because they need to have kind and consistent adults, such as you, around them. Unfortunately you can’t keep going to see the kids if their parents make you unwelcome. It’s sad but you are not responsible for this situation.
I also think that your FI and his mum should read the riot act to the adults the very next time that something occurs.
Then you need to concentrate on making a life for you and your future husband without his siblings in your life. Make sure that you see your friends. Join in lots of activities. Enjoy your own family.
I suspect that these people have nothing against you personally (although they enjoy sniping and gossiping) but are intent on making their younger brother miserable. This is bullying behaviour and should have been stopped when they were children. As it is, they have turned into shallow and rather cowardly adults with the same bullying tendencies. I think that they are jealous of your FI. Maybe he is cleverer, more successful, more educated, better looking or just far more charming than they are. If they can’t behave towards you both with love, tact and respect then you don’t need them in your lives.
Post # 8
his brother is actually his twin and they are 26 but his brothers wife is 33 this year.. so i’m not sure if that makes it worse.. i can’t imagine treating my brothers like that. <br /><br />Yeah i think it’s jealously, we’re starting to look for land to build our first home and it always comes about at the time where we have annoucements to make to the family or something great is happening for us.
I have definitely just pushed it from my mind since i posted this, i figure if we know that we haven’t done anything wrong by them and we’re still happy then boohoo to them.
His mum and dad just say to not worry about what they say/do which is fine 99% of time but sometimes i think that it’s crap that we should have to put up with what they do to us and they can just continue on with their evil ways.
oh well at the end of the day if my FI and I are happy then that’s all that matters.
Post # 9
also i think i am their favourite aunty which probably irritates the hell out of the parents haha.. they definitely run to me first and don’t let go when we see them.
it’s hard to invite the kids over for sleep overs since we live so far away.. they’ve told us that they ask to visit but get told no.
Post # 10
i also agree with PP, you need to stop defending his family and defend yourself. they sound very toxic. good luck!
Post # 11
callifornia: I give you credit for trying to be the bigger person in this situation. It isn’t easy to deal with an In-law (or several) that you don’t like or get along with. You’ve done exceptionally well so far in attempting to keep the peace for your FI’s sake and I think you should take pride in that.
That said, have you spoken to your FI about what has been happening? Is he aware of all the stuff that’s been going on or have you been attempting to shield him from some of it?
I agree with PPs that you should allow your FI to handle his family in the way that seems best to him. He has your back and is loyal to you, which is the most important part. And its good that his parents seem to be aware of their attitudes as well.
My best advice is as follows:
1. Continue to block them from your newsfeed. I did this with FBIL’s girlfriend and it makes me so happy not to see her name or face pop up.
2. Talk to your FI when something is said or done that bothers you. It likely will be bothering him too and you guys can work out how to handle certain things in the future.
3. Try to meet up with them in a public or neutral setting. Everyone can be on common footing in that situation and you can leave whenever you feel it is necessary.
4. Continue being an awesome Aunt and Uncle to the kids. Just because the parents are assholes doesn’t you can’t still have a great relationship with the kiddies.
5. Allow your FI to handle future issues with them as you guys see fit. Stop defending his family so much and allow him to start setting firm boundaries with them as to what behavior is and is not acceptable. It may cause issues and may not solve anything, but you guys shouldn’t have to put up with that stuff.
6. Finally, continue being a kind and sweet person to them when necessary. If they start acting up then FI can step in and handle it, but otherwise just continue being awesome. 🙂
Post # 12
haha thank you, i’ve tried really hard to be the bigger person, i definitely don’t want to stoop to their level. FI is very aware of everything that happens.
thanks heaps 🙂
i think i’ll continue to be awesome.
Post # 13
Blood talks to blood. Toxic in-laws need to be dealt with by their own family and not in-laws.
I have so much sympathy for you because I know how it feels to have toxic in-laws. Like your hubby, my husband also stands up for me and protects me from his family when they are out of line. Husbands like ours are the greatest defence against toxic in-laws.
Block his family on FB and delete them from Facebook if you haven’t already. I have deleted all but two of my husband’s family from my page, because the others were gossiping about what I posted to my MIL. It was very creepy to have my MIL ask me about things that I never told her.
I love the way you try to be the bigger person. When we stay polite and friendly to nasty in-laws, they are the ones who look like idiots.
Post # 14
I think it’d do more harm than good to block them completely. I’ve hidden them tho, so i never see what they put up, which has been refreshing.
I agree, the more that I stay sane and don’t bite back it’s making them look worse.. the SIL also has done this to many people, she goes through “best friends” like she’d change her underwear.
So it’s some satisfaction to know that everyone realises what she’s like.. <br /><br /><br />
Post # 15
Okaaaaaaaaay… i had a really good stress free happy week! until today.
I had txt his sister asking if she was going to stay at our venue and to let us know.. she replied saying no she’d crash with FI brother and sister in law and that her kids would be getting picked up by her ex at 10pm..
I replied saying we weren’t sure if we were going to have kids at the reception as we have a 100 people limit on the room and we’re already sitting close to that but i was finding out if kids were counted in that 100 and i’d let her know as soon as i knew… <br /><br />now about an hour later, i have FMIL on the phone bawling her eyes out to me because FI sister has gone and said “if my kids aren’t invited then i’m not going at all” .. and same thing with the brother!!! <br /><br />i’m so beyond mad. <br /><br />1 – i never said they weren’t or were invited, i said i’d check. <br />2 – Both FI and I would love to have the kids there but there is a limit and i’d rather have adults there than kids. <br />3 – It’s literally just dinner that they wouldn’t be there for, they’re welcome to come get ready with their uncle, stay for photos, play lawn games … but go home before dinner. <br /><br />she’s taken what i’ve said and blown it so far out of proportion… i can’t even deal. <br /><br />the worst thing out of all of this is my FI saying “it’s okay i’m used to it” it breaks my heart.. HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW YOUR HURTING YOUR OWN BROTHER. <br /><br />you’re not going to manipulate your own mother and brother into getting your own way. my FI and i are getting married, we’re going to have a brilliant day whether they decide to come or not. <br /><br />but really, this whole thing is stupid because maybe the venue will say go for it! the kids can come no problems! and then they have caused this WHOLE DRAMA for absolutely no fucking point. <br /><br />ugh.
<br /><br />