- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
Bees I need to vent… I have been so nice up until now but now it is becoming too much.
I’ll try to be as brief as possible, but it’s a lot, sorry in advance.
FMIL and FFIL have been having marital issues since my FI was a child. He has not known a happy family, there was a constant tension because of their parents problems. He has said multiple times that he wished his parents got divorced in stead of stayed together.
We and his brother are now living alone and the reason for his parents to stay together (aka ‘for the children’) is no longer valid. In stead the arguments are getting bigger and bigger. With threads being made, police coming, it is spiraling out of control and still NO divorce. We try to take the high road, try to not get caught in the middle. But it’s very difficult, especially since they come to us for advice (but don’t follow it though). The past 8 years I have given them the same advice, it always gets to a climax with fights between them, at which point we always think it will be the end, but it NEVER is! It’s an ongoing cycle and FI and I can’t stand it anymore. It has never reached the top as much as the last few months and we’re like ‘what does it take for you to choose a happy life?’ I’m afraid they are heading to a family drama.
I have been walking on eggshells around his mom because she is bipolar, and I always ascribe every bad thing she does to her sickness, but I can’t take it anymore. Not because of me, but because of how she has been hurting FI and his brother! The last weeks my FI has trouble sleeping, comes home crying because she has upset him. Everytime he is doing something for the wedding which he is excited about, like picking his suit, she has to ruin it.
In the meanwhile his mom has ran away, returned, said she doesn’t want to live alone and would rather be unhappy or die. Suicide threats have been made and today she told me she will not come to the wedding. I said no one would force her, because I don’t want to buy in to her emotional blackmail. FI has heard this thread numerous times and says that if she says it one more time, she won’t be allowed to come.
From the moment we got engaged I tried to includ FMIL in as much as possible. In order to prevent drama. Every decision I ran by her, and she was happy, everything was fun! And then, when FI wanted to ask his mom if she would come suit shopping with him, she threw a fit. Out of the blue she told him that we did not include her, that every decision is being made by me and my family etc… FI confronted her and stood his ground, that we can’t be blamed at all because what she says simply isn’t true. He came home crying, saying: “when will this ever stop?” The next day she came to visit and did acknowledge that maybe it was her own fault, that is not well and she might see things not accordingly… I agreed and had my hopes up again. Only to be knocked down again today.
She found out FI went suit shopping with his brother and brother in law. He didn’t want his mom there, because he does not want the drama, I believe he has the right after all that has happened. Today she said that he had hit her in the middle of her heart and that he should change his attitude or she will have nothing to do with him anymore. And that she will only come by for me if she knows her son is not home. Mind you, she will only come to me with business questions (for her website which i made). She was very clear about that.
I’m thinking I won’t do squat if she can’t be normal towards her son.
My vision has always been, I’m above this. Maybe she’s mentally ill and can’t help it. But where does her sickness stop and does her character start? I have given her the benefit of doubt each time, but because of that she has been getting more and more chances of hurting my FI. I’m at a point where I want to protect him, but I’m also very careful to stay respectful.
Right now I’ve told him that whatever he does, I’m behind him. If he doesn’t want to see her anymore so be it. If he wants to see her, also good, but that I can’t promis that I won’t snap at one point. I never lose my cool, am not an angry person and very forgiving. FI knows this and said that if that ever happens, he knows that it would have been her that pushed me to it and he would stand by me. But I hope that never happens…
Normally his parents would pay for 1/3 of the wedding, but now we are like don’t bother, we’ll pay for it ourselves. It will be a bit more difficult to us, but so be it.
I have to note that his father has not been difficult but he is frustrated and has a lot going on. He has always said he will stand by her no matter what, but he will lose himself in the process. We have told him numerous times to choose for himself, because she does not love him (and she says this!). He is now beginning to see that maybe it’s true and he has been played all along.