- 2 years ago
Hi bees. I’m in need of some advice. This is going to be long…
DH only has 2 family members, his mom and his brother. He has an aunt and uncle and some cousins (mom’s sister) that he never sees or talks to. MIL sees her sister from time to time, but honestly she’s very judgemental and pretty much a rotten, holier-than-thou person who just tries to control her and tell her what to do. DH’s father passed away several years ago. They had a falling out 6 years prior, and never made up before he passed away. This obviously destroyed him.
DH grew up with his mom as a single mother, for all intents and purposes. They were always very close growing up and into his adulthood. His mom is a very sweet lady.
Now where the issue comes in. His brother. He’s never had a job for more than a month. He used to do all kinds of drugs, although now he only smokes weed. He’s almost 40 years old and has never supported himself. He either lived with their dad, was in jail, had a girlfriend (usually rich girlfriends) who supported him, or the most recent scenario, he lives with their mom.
MIL is on social security and cannot afford to support her son. He’s lived with her for years now, probably 5 or 6, with a few hiatuses where he lived with a girlfriend for a short time, plus about a year where he lived with my DH (that’s another story in itself).
BIL is mean, controlling, and sometimes violent. MIL doesn’t want him living with her, but is afraid of him and what he would do if she tried to tell him to leave. I think a part of her is concerned because she knows he has no where to go. He’s burned bridges with all of his friends. Over the years, my DH has gotten her away from him, moved her to other parts of the country, etc, only to have her eventually invite him back in, even buying him a bus ticket to get to wherever she is. She has been an enabler for a long time, so a lot of this is her fault.
Fast forward to now. MIL is miserable. BIL treats her terribly. She never has any money because he’s always pestering her for money for beer, weed, and cigarettes. We’ve been buying her (them) groceries occasionally for a while now. The apt she lives in is expensive, and way bigger than what she needs… since for herself she only needs a 1br and they live in a 2br. She’s trying to find a part-time job but is older and is having a hard time finding anyone to hire her.
My DH has tried to talk to his brother, yell at his brother, tell him to get a job, to stop making their mom miserable. I’ve told him he needs to get his shit together. He just won’t do anything. He’s been made to feel comfortable for way too long. He has a roof over his head, food in his belly, money for his vices, and he doesn’t have to work. Why would he do anything differently?
At this point, we don’t know what to do. It gives DH severe anxiety to deal with the situation with his family. But he doesn’t just want to cut them off because they’re the only family he has and because of what happened with his dad. MIL has to be the one to help herself, but she’s afraid to do anything. She’s such a strong woman and to see her so defeated and weak is heartbreaking.
We’ve tried calling adult protective services and they do absolutely nothing. Even if MIL called the cops to get him out of her house, they’d keep him for what, overnight? And then he’d be back and madder than ever.
What would you do in this situation?