In-Law problems

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
7153 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

this sucks. It would piss me off so much if someone did this to my mom. I would try to find a way to help,her thst can’t be coopted/ stolen by him, like bringing groceries over instead of money for groceries.

I had to do this with my older step sister, who asked me for cash to pay her and her husbands bills every month, only to find out they were buying pot and coke and smoking it in front of their kids. I started paying her utilities directly instead of giving her money. Of course this made her angry and she told everyone I wouldn’t help her, but there is no accountability for some people. you just have to deal with the fallout. 

the bad news is your MIL is enabling him and you guys can’t control her. All you can do is set boundaries for,yourselves. Let her know she is welcome and you want to help out, but you don’t feel it’s appropriate to care for a grown man who refuses to work. 

Post # 4
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I have no advice as I have a similar situation in my family with my uncle and grandmother. 🙁

Post # 5
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

do you guys have a home. the only situation I see is moving his mom again to a smal appartment so he cannot fit and she no choice because she can’t fit him in…or moving her in with you for a few months and hopefully move her out again after 3 to 6 months and hope your BIL is far enough gone….or just leave well enough alone, becuase it’s  cycle that wont break unless you take drastic measures. 

Post # 6
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

Ugh this situation sounds absolutely terrible. Unfortunately I don’t think there is anything you can do, aside from setting boundaries like PP mentioned.

You’ve tried to help your MIL by moving her but she caves and lets him back in. So she has to deal with that because you can’t keep helping her only for her to backtrack and help him.

The toughest part of this situation is you can’t stop helping him without hurting/not helping her. 🙁 Sorry I really have no advice to offer as I have no idea what I would do but you have my condolences! Best of luck!

Post # 7
3437 posts
Sugar bee

anonbee717:  By that second post, it sounds like you’re also enabling him.  Bringing him food?  He can buy his own food.  He’s 13 years older, over a decade, a grown man, I think he can find a job.

Post # 8
42166 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MIL and the two of you are all enabling him. I would help MIL find a tiny apartment in a secure building and get rid of her sofa. Only have chairs for sitting in the lifing room. Chairs with arms, so he can’t line them up and sleep on them.

Post # 9
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonbee717:  I second KingsDaughter:‘s suggestion.  Can she move in with you temporarily, BIL can’t come.  Hopefully that will be a kick in the pants for him to get his shit together?

Post # 11
5793 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

anonbee717: “The biggest problem is MIL has to be the one to make a change.”<br /><br />Yup, you hit the nail on the head with that one. Until MIL decides to no longer be an enabler for your jackass BIL, then the situation is not going to change. You can move her into progressively smaller apartments until she’s in a 300-square-foot studio if you want, but that’s not going to stop her from letting him sleep in the bathtub, if that’s the only place he will fit.

I think your MIL needs counseling, and she needs an action plan. Counseling will help her learn coping skills so that when BIL is angry at her new attitude, she will know how to stick to her guns and not back down.  And the action plan should include everything from how she will physically get his stuff out of her apartment (keeping in mind that it may be illegal eviction– so you will have to help her learn the rules and laws where she lives, so that she can separate her life from his without him finding a legal way to push himself back in), how she will be protected in case he becomes violent, and where she will turn if she needs help.

But it’s got to start with her deciding that she really wants him out of her living space, for good, and making a commitment to cut him off in every way, and it sounds like she needs some therapy for that.

Post # 12
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you MIL is afraid of him, you should call the County Dept of Aging.  Just like with children, there are agencies to protect the elderly.   They can get a social worker to talk to her about options, get her on a list for senior housing, get an order of protection if she needs it.

Post # 15
6671 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Move her into a senior apartment where she is the only tenant allowed- if they aren’t a senior- they can’t stay. Honestly, this won’t change until MIL stands up for herself.

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