(Closed) In-law relationship – does it make you re-think getting married?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I wasn’t a fan on my ex’s parents. We dated for 7 1/2 years so it was a very serious relationship. There were many things wrong with the relationship, but family is important to me so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t have an awful relationship with them, but it was obvious they didn’t like me, they didn’t get along great with their son, and it was just not what I’m used to in family.

That helped me to realize how important family was when looking for my husband. His family is my family now, and it’s great to have them because they’re so supportive.

Post # 4
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My ex’s parents were the straw that broke the camel’s back for us.

He was a mama’s boy and used to run back to their house for everything.   He would get a cold and call his mom for advice, just after asking for my advice (we were both

nurses.)    When our son was born, his mother was very upset that he was a boy (yes you read that right) and she hated his name (Jack.)   He was having a hard time adjusting to having a baby and his mother started telling him to move back home.   She started to tell him lies about me, and I tried hard to talk to her and work things out.   Eventually, my ex left and moved back in with her.   He has never been an active father since.

So, his parents could have been terrible, which would have been hard, but if he chose his family as his #1 priority, it could have worked out.   Instead, he let them interfere with everything, and ran to them to complain about me whenever he didn’t get his own way.

I know I would never get involved with a man with family dynamics like that again.  My FIL’s are amazing, and it makes life so much more peaceful and easy.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I’m pretty sure my mom hates 80% of my dad’s side of the family.  Well she probably doesn’t hate them, but she would rather do almost anything else than be with them (this doesn’t apply to the children, of course).  My parents have been married for 30 years and have such a great time together and you can tell they’re really BFF’s and love each other so much.  Don’t don’t don’t give up that love for some people who don’t live IN your house and are not IN your marriage.  It’s you and your FI who make the marriage work.  Yes, in-laws can cause drama and force you two to take sides, but if you know this ahead of time and can talk about it and come up with a plan, you should be able to make it work.  If, however, your FI isn’t willing to stand by you and have your family that you create be his #1, then I would have some concerns.  But if you talk it out, you could end up with a long-lasting marriage like my parents. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with PP, the important thing is whether FI is going to put you first- and also whether he is willing to handle his family so that they don’t get too intrusive.

These are very very important issues and I personally would not marry a man unless I was 100% sure of the above.

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

During the wedding planning process I had a ton of doubts, after we got married was when things really came to a head. For about a year I was sure we weren’t going to make it, but things changed. My husband started handling situations and put some distance between us and his parents. 

 My relationship with them is difficult for me (it’s hard to like people you have zero trust in)- but I have a feeling we’ll make it. I’m not going to lie, it’s always in the back of my head things could revert back to the way they were.

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My ex’s mom was like that, but now that I’m not dating her son, we get along pretty well (we’re still friends with her other son). I LOVE my IL’s now, so I got really lucky in that aspect.

I agree that as long as your husband will stand by you, it can work

Post # 9
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My Fi was raised by a single mother and his father is deceased. Fi and I have been together three and a half years and are getting married in November, but his mom barely knows me. She refuses to see me, speak to me, or talk about the fact that we are getting married. I live 15 minutes away from her. She is furious that Fi is getting married and has tried to find ways to control or bribe him. It more of a mental health issue than an issue with me, but it doesn’t change the fact that my mother in law will always be against me and trying to cause problems. Fi will have to have a separate relationship with her that I’m not a part of.

And despite that – I don’t have second thoughts about marrying my Fi. He took a stand and made it clear to his mother that he is going to live his life and make his own decisions. I’m sorry that I won’t have the relationship with in-laws that so many people seem to take for granted and have family to visit on the holidays (other than my own). I also know that she is likely to cause trouble for us for years to come, but it is worth it to be with my soulmate.

Post # 10
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

@Mya Rose: I have come very close to giving up on my relationship because of 2 of my FI’s brothers and his sister in law…. I love him, but I don’t want him to go through Hell to be with me. What convinced me not to give up is when my FI looked me in my face and told me that I am his family and nothing will change that….

Post # 11
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I know where your coming from. FIL HATE me! I’m not catholic and their son moved 2hrs away to be with my daughter & I… TRAGIC 2hrs away! They RARELY come here to visit us and are constantly mad we dont come there enough; when FI works every other weekending and my daughter is at her dads those same weekends – Right now I’m dealing with if his Bishop will not allow our wedding to take place outside of the church (we are having a Catholic priest & my preacher split the ceremony) then I have to have a 2nd ceremony to apease his parents which I DO NOT WANT TO DO!

It has cause some major fights and heartache. FI is just NOW starting to take my side over theirs. Even though he says he sided with them so he doesn’t “have to listen to them” it still sucks! Just be strong is my only advice… Ive heard FMIL tell FI on the phone she didnt like me and was against this marriage… She’ll get over it or wont see me thats all I can think to do!

Good luck! ((HUGS))

Post # 12
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

[content moderated for trolling]

Post # 13
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

I think this is one where the details matter. Do you dislike them because your personalities don’t mesh, or because they are actively being nasty, trying to sabotage your relationship with FI, etc? No one can control how their parents/siblings/etc act, but they can control how they respond to them. If your FI sticks up for you, makes it clear that their opinion is just their opinion, lets it be known that they don’t have to like you but they have to be civil, then it’s unpleasant but not as big of a problem. If FI isn’t willing to stand up for you, though, then you’ve got a bigger issue. Once you’re in a serious relationship, your relationship (and the new family it creates) is paramount, and that needs to be respected. And if ILs aren’t respectful of and courteous towards you and FI doesn’t intervene, that’s tacitly agreeing to their treatment of you and participating in it. I for one would have a huge problem with that.

Here’s an example: FI has an aunt (just 1 of several, we are lucky) who is downright nasty to me. At this point she won’t speak to me unless I say hi to her directly, and then only if her siblings or mom are around to witness it. She’s also made incredibly nasty comments to my face. It’s not just me, she can’t stand FI’s sister either, although she loves his half-sister. FI has stood up for both of us, made it clear she cannot act that way, which is awesome and makes me love and respect him even more. If he allowed it to happen, oh no girl. No way. (I think a lot of this stems from the fact that FI’s mom and her family cannot stand FI’s bio father, talk negatively about him constantly. FI and I are close to his dad, have made it clear that we’re  offended by sh*tty comments about FFIL, and would prefer not to hear them. So now we’ve picked sides…. in a divorce that happened 25 years ago. Gotta love family.)

Post # 14
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I think it’s only normal to pause and go, “Do I really want to get into this?” No, you aren’t marrying your spouse’s family. But what is important to him will to some extent have to be important to you. It’s going to cause friction if you’re not on the same page about how you will handle one another’s families.

There’s a reason that the in-laws are commonly cited in divorce, along with money woes, infidelity and a few others. In-laws can be a constant pressure on the marriage, from nagging about how you raise your children to trying to intervene in marital problems.

If your in-laws are meddlesome and causing problems (now, we all have to be honest when we evaluate this too: are we sure we’re not part of the problem? Are we inviting this behavior from them? We can’t run to our in-laws about marital problems, then get mad when they follow-up with input), and your FI doesn’t want to deal with it/doesn’t believe you, that’s a BIG red flag.

And, in my opinion, you should tread carefully – if at all – toward marriage. That’s bound to become a bigger problem as the years go on and marriages weather tough times, children are born, etc. You both need to be on the same page.

Have an earnest talk with your FI. My fiance knows I don’t like many people in his family – of course, I soften my language when talking to him about that. He knows when I will or won’t see them, how to handle certain questions they ask, etc.

 

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