Post # 1
I usually just read the boards on here for ideas and advice but I did’nt see anything relating close enough to my issue so here goes:
I am having major issues with the in-laws. I feel that amoung other things, there is no respect of bounderies, and my husband and I are not seen as our own separate entity/unit. Some examples of what I am talking about are that I don’t like hanging out with them very often anymore because it’s never enough for them! Classic example: We get invited to their place for dinner, say on a Satruday night. They suggest we be there around 2-3pm(yes for dinner…at like 730). After dinner we HAVE to sleep over their house (we live 40mins away, theres no reason to sleep over) then the next day not only do we have to spend the majority of that day at their place but they also give us a hard time when we go home. We basically have to justify going home, to our own house, where we live. Its suffocating. Its the same if they come to our house, we won’t say anything about them spending the night but sure enough they come with their overnight bags and just stay over. When I try to talk to my husband about it he just says “they like spending time with us”. I get that parents like spending time with their children, thats not a new concept but this is not behaviour that I am used to seeing.
Another thing is when the four of us hang out his Dad gets a little crazy and is very controlling and acts like no one else matters besides him and my husband. He is rude and dismissive to everyone else. MIL even knows it, and we have spoken about it. Some examples of this are: The day after our wedding FIL and my mother went to pick us up from the hotel we stayed at for our wedding night. FIL actually asked me mother to get out of the car so that my huband could sit up front with him. You dont tell someone who is already in the car to get out so someone else can have their seat!!! Another example is my husband was spray painting our new beer fridge in the garage while MIL and I were wathing a movie in our living room. FIL decided to get a beer and then left the door open between the house and the garage. I polietly asked him to close the door since fumes were getting in the house and we couldnt hear the movie with the music and conversation coming from the garage. FIL ignored me the first time I asked, and then turned around and snapped “ITS FINE!” at me, in my own house. This is not the first time these things happen.
Im not sure what to do but I am starting to resent the in-laws :-/
Post # 3
you and your husband need to get on the same page here. he needs to understand how they make you feel, and you need to make him understand.
you also need to stand your ground. if you don’t want to spend the night, don’t give in. just leave.
and next time your FIL acts like a jackass, call him on it.
nothing will change if you don’t stand your ground.
Post # 4
I am a big believer in the idea that whoever’s family is the problem needs to back up their partner and not put them in the uncomfortable position of disagreeing with their in-laws or arguing/disagreeing with what they want. I would have a serious talk with your DH about this because it seems like he would rather make his parents happy than you, and that isn’t right. Going over there for dinner is fine, but it is more than reasonable for you to not want to spend the night, and it shouldn’t even be a discussion with his parents about why – it’s none of their business why you want to be at home sleeping in your own bed! I would feel super awkward staying the night at my ILs (they also live about 40 minutes away), I know I’d never get a good night sleep because I’d be so uncomfortable with that arrangement. And your DH should say something to his father when he speaks to him that way – I’m sure you wouldn’t allow your parents to disrespect your DH, especially in his own home. You are his wife, he needs to act like it by sticking up for you and taking your needs and wants into consideration.
Post # 5
It’s his family, he needs to be on YOUR side (because you’re married now) and he needs to stand up to his family on your behalf, just like you need to do if your family upsets him, even if you think he’s wrong. Just the same, even if he thinks you’re overreacting, he should be your champion anyway.
This comes down to your husband stepping up and enforcing boundaries with his parents. He knows them best and how to handle this, and them. If you do it, you come off as the evil woman stealing their son from them, it really has to be him.
When you talk to him, push and push that you love them, but “you know me, I like my space, I like to go home to our quiet home at the end of the day.” I’m exactly like you, OP, I’d be so uncomfortable with having to end my days either as a hostess or a guest so often and unexpectedly. It’s unfair to you.
Try and stand up – kindly – to your husband, so he can stand up to them.
Post # 6
When I lived with FI, I had the same problem. His parents lived about 30 minutes away – by car, on public transport it was a different story. 3 buses, and it took at least an hour to get there – on a bad day, it could take up to 3 hours. Both his parents drive, and both have their own car. His mother only works about 4 hours a day, 2 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. Neither FI or myself drive…
Whenever we used to go over to his parents, FI always wanted to stay overnight. I used to hate hearing this, I found being around his parents difficult as his father doesn’t interact with me much, and his mother has a very strong accent and also talks very quietly – and I’ve lost the hearing in one ear, so it was a nightmare for me! At the time they didn’t have a proper bed in the spare room, just an airbed with a leak, so by the morning you’d basically be sleeping on a hard wooden floor! Luckily his mother always used to end up driving us back – his father made it pretty clear he didn’t want me staying there. Also luckily, we didn’t have a spare room so they could never stay with us.
Like other posters have said, just tell your FI you don’t want to stay there overnight, and you don’t want to have to leave so early for dinner. I used to get out of going by saying that FI’s parents ‘deserved’ to spend some time with him alone. If your FIL is as obnoxious as you say, there is no reason why you should have to deal with him all the time.
Post # 7
If you and your husband are on the same page, then you just both need to do what you want and not justify your decisions. Like don’t want to stay over – don’t stay over. And don’t go into a list of reasons why you don’t, just keep saying things like, “Thanks so much for dinner – we really enjoyed it.” and “We appreciate your offer to stay, but we’re going to head home now.”
On the door-closing thing, that would bug me. After FIL said that I would have gotten up and gone and closed the door myself. Your house, your rules. FIL will need to learn that, but he won’t learn it if you back down every time and let him walk all over you.
Post # 8
I think the parents need to cut the cord. I had this problem with my xDH and his parents. We had no privacy in OUR marriage. His parents knew everything about us, what we were doing, what was said, what we spent money on. And when the kids came along…it got worse.
I know you don’t want to hear this…but after 15 years of this, I had enough. xDH and I had our own problems…but one of them was when he put “blood” family before the family under his own roof, we had a problem. After countless talks and fights about it, things never changed. It took a toll on our marriage.
Put your foot down. Talk to your DH. Advice: When you have kids, it WILL get worse. They WILL be around more and more. They will be more controlling.
You two need your own personal lives. You two are a family under your own roofs. Your DH needs to respect and honor that. He can’t let his parents sleep over all the time nor you two sleep at their house. It’s time to grow up and cut that cord!!!
Post # 9
We had the same problem – being expected around noon for dinner, got attitude if we were late and were told they never saw us even though that wasn’t true. Eventually I told my FI I had enough, and as it turns out – he was also annoyed, major relieve! So, I think you need to have a serious discussion about this problem with your husband. If you think this will not end well… consider moving away. We’re currently 45 min away from my FI’s parents and that’s too close, so we’re looking into a move to the US or Europe. Not ONLY because of them of course, but the distance is a bonus! 🙂
Post # 10
I can relate to your MIL issues. We live an hour and a half away from FIL and MIL, and every time we go there his mom just needs us all the time. We will be driving on the way there and she will call half an hour in and ask where we are. We say we will be there in about an hour. Half an hour later she is calling again. We get there, just to spend the day, and she just gets all sad and whiney when we won’t spend the night.
I finally got to the point where I told DH he had to say something becuase it was bothering him too. I am ok telling my MIL to back off, but you do have to do it tactfully and with the full support of DH.
As your your FIL–I can’t relate because mine isn’t clingy and is just an asshole all the time, but that’s a different story for a different day.
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for all the responses! I am glad to see I am not alone in this problem.
My husband and I are not on the same page about this, I have no idea what to say to him. I think he believes that they can be overwhelming but doesnt think there is an issue. I need him to have that “aha!” moment where he gets where I am coming from.
Post # 12
Do you ALWAYS have do go together? Would it be possible for him to sometimes go by himself?
Post # 13
@jmaze: Very true that you need to think about when you have kids…little kids need a schedule and routine, especially when it comes to sleep. Not randomly sleeping with mom and dad at their grandparents all the time because they don’t want you to go home. Maybe thinking about how it will work once you have kids will help your husband come around. But regardless of whether or not it bothers him, the fact stands that he has the choice between making you or his parents happy…and he is choosing them. Which is a problem – you’re his wife and need to be the priority.
Post # 14
oh man I hear ya…. every single time we see eachother its a guilt trip about how we dont see eachother ENOUGH! FI and I live about 4 min drive from them right now but we’re just (this week) putting in our money to build our own custom home which will be ready just after the wedding and its about a half hour away (YYYYYYYYYYESSSS….in my head lmao)
I know I’ve talked about this on other threads but Im dreading when we have kids because FMIL is already made comments about basically moving in with us/staying over all the time because “it will be such a long drive home when Im taking care of the grandkids”
a) neither FI or I have said she is going to be doing it/nor want it….its a total assumption on her part,….. b) over my dead body is she taking over my home!
Post # 15
@greenbeans83: Wow. I pretty much agree with everyone else. If you don’t address the issue and you let it fester you will eventually explode. I think you should talk to your husband and maybe be more assertive about requesting his help in addressing the issue. Since they are his family the would obviously take that better from him and you don’t want them resenting you. You are his wife and he should back you if something makes you uncomfortable.
Post # 16
It’s one thing to offer a place to stay if you want to, and totally another to force a pj party. Broad smile and repeat, “Everything was awesome; we’re going to head home now.”
If DH is not getting it though, that’s a big issue. You guys need to be on the same page, or he should maybe go see them by himself more often. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s important.