Weddingbee boards

Bee's, I have issues. In-Law issues. This post is mainly just to vent, but I'd love to hear your stories or advice as well.

This all started about two weeks ago. J's parents live 7 hours away, so when they visit they stay for a few nights. They called a couple weeks ago and said that they'd be here on Thursday Nov. 24th. That's fine, we thought. A few days later, his parents called again and said they changed their minds… They're coming on Friday Nov. 25th instead. J and I though that was fine because it gave us an extra day to tidy up the apartment and get some groceries. On the evening of Wednesday Nov. 23rd J called his parents to sort out the details of their visit, and they informed us that now they will be coming a day early… On Thursday Nov. 24th. J said that was fine, but not to show up until between 5pm and 6pm because we're both working and have things to do before they get here (i.e., get groceries, and tidy up a bit).

So Thursday Nov. 24th arrives and I leave work a half hour early to get home by 3:45pm to shower and get some last minute things done around the house, and possibly grab a few groceries. I strip down to my bare bum, and my phone rings. It's the in-laws. They're waiting in our apartment lobby to be let in. I buzzed them up, jumped in the shower, barely got myself cleaned and they were banging on my apartment door. I jumped out of the shower to answer the door buck-naked, soaking wet, wrapped in my bathrobe. I apologized that I couldn't hug them hello cuz I was still soaked, and my mother-in-law to-be says: "That's fine. We'll make ourselves at home". And boy… Did she ever. She walked right into the living room with her shoes on. Completely disrespectful, in my mind. That evening since we didn't have time to get groceries, we went out for dinner then went to the grocery store. I baught a nice new baking pan to make brownies in for Saturday night because my family was meeting J's parents for the first time and we were having everyone back at our place for dessert. Our hands were full of groceries when we got into the apartment building, and J's mom accidently dropped her doggy-bag from the restaurant, and some food fell out. She just kicked it aside with her shoes... The SAME shoes she continued to wear throughout my apartment all evening. We had walked through two parking lots, a restaurant, and a grocery store, and she still wore her shoes through my home. I spoke to J for the second time now regarding her shoes, and he said something to her as well.

The next day (Friday) she continued to wear the same shoes she went out in earlier, only this time she decided to put her feet up on my coffee table. I was fuming. When J got home from work that evening I took him into our bedroom and spoke to him one last time, saying: "J, this is the last time I'm going to ask you. Tell your mom to take off her shoes, NOW. My niece and nephew will be crawling around the floor here tomorrow and your mom is wearing the same shoes she wore out this morning. She dragged in a leaf that was stuck to her shoe, and Raven (my cat) started eating it. The cats don't have their shots yet, and I'm gonna be very angry if they get sick. This is it J. Last time."

So Saturday afternoon comes and we take J's parents out to where our ceremony will be held. She almost wore her shoes in my apartment again after visiting the muddy park. Thankfully, J spoke up, but she said "They're shoes. What's the difference?" When we got back we started making dessert for that evening. J's mom used my new baking pan to make brownies, and scratched the hell out of it. So much for a new pan :/ After we had finished baking, I began to clean the kitchen. Suddenly, I found a huge oil stain on my coffee maker stand from the Vegetable Oil she used to bake with. She managed to get oil all over the jug and it stained our table.

When my family came back to our house for dessert that night, she kept her shoes on (everyone else took them off), and my niece and nephew were crawling around everywhere. Now I feel like I have to call my sister-in-law to apologize for J's mom. I don't know about all of you, but I find it disrespectfull to wear shoes in the house. I work hard to keep my place clean, and she wears her shoes around my place, scuffing up the floors and dragging in garbage?? Not acceptable. I made sure I voiced that to J, but in a nice way, not to start a fight or anything.

Gwen.

Thanks everyone.

The thing is, is that it's just her who does it. my future father in law takes his shoes off, and so does the rest of their family. So does mine. She doesn't have any foot issue that requires her to wear shoes in the home. If the host is not wearing shoes, don't you think you shouldn't be either? Or if I said, 'don't worry about your shoes', then it'd be acceptable. But honestly... She has no common sense. We went to a muddy park and she was going to wear those same shoes in the house?

I'd rather not have mud and other garbage tracked through my home when I try to keep it clean. Especially when we walked through a parking lot the one night after dinner that was full of car oils and god knows what else, and through the restaurant that had crushed peanut shells all over the floor (we ate at Montana's). My niece is allergic to nuts, and she wore those same shoes throughout my home.

I don't like to stir up trouble, which is why I didn't say anything to her personally. I asked J a couple of times because she would have listened (or so I thought) to her own son.

@KatyElle: I wish there was a 'like' button, lol. I realize I should have spoken up myself. I'm just too nice to people sometimes :/

The nut allergy being brought up, did FMIL know that your niece had a nut allergy? Otherwise, that issue is null and void. If you didn't tell her, she probably wouldn't assume as much.

It is disrespectful after being asked, but I agree with others that you should have mentioned it yourself. I don't believe that anybody's floors are going to be squeaky clean whether you leave shoes on or off.. I still wouldn't be eating off of mine, even though we take our shoes off for instance.

I think there is a fine line between paranoia and superclean. I honestly think that worrying that your cat is going to become ill because it started to eat a leaf from outside is overreacting.

It is your home, and as such your rules, but most people I know, grew up with, and have encountered leave their shoes on in and out of home. When I go into a strangers home, I usually leave my shoes on unless there is a note, rug (as mentioned before) or they inform me. The best notice I saw was at an ex boyfriends parents house, it was just a little print out card placed at the entry that said "Please remove shoes. Thanks for your cooperation" or something along those lines, as to prevent confusion or confrontation...

So yes, she was in the wrong after being asked, but I don't think it is common practice (at least in my experience) and can understand someone not initially being aware.

About the bakeware - that WOULD get on my nerves, especially with the oil, you would expect there to be a little care taken in someone elses kitchen.

I don't think I could ever take my shoes off in someon elses home. Give me the booties-I've been asked to wear those before. In my house growing up, taking off articles of clothing like that was very disrespectful. My paraents were clear that even if you were staying the night, your stuff stayed in it's designated area out of sight in your suitcase and the shoes, outer shirts, and jewlery stayed on unless sleeping or showering. "We don't appreciate people moving in.." My mom would say.

I would be horrified if someone asked me to take off my shoes. Go buy the booties-maybe the idea of being shoeless in your house makes her uncomfortable

Wow, thanks for all of the advice everyone. Everyone's home-life is so different, eh? Crazy.

@hismm: I realize that the cat thing is a little extreme. But the point I was trying to make, was that I didn't want her dragging in other sorts of garbage and it falling off her shoes in my home. What if she had stepped in gum while outside and not realized it, and tracked that through the house? Of course any pet would smell it and try to eat it. And I certainly wouldn't want my cats eating something that was stuck to someones shoe. That's gross.

Either way. Everyone has different traditions etc. And when entering someone's home you should respect that. Next time they visit, I will speak to her when they come through the door.

Next time, just put up a note like the pp said, or ask her yourself to please remove her shoes.  

Your MIL may just not have realized how deeply you felt about it, since you weren't talking about it to her, but only through your partner.  I understand that she should have taken them off after he asked her, but I guess I don't see it as some sort of huge offensive thing.  That might be because in my family, asking someone to remove their shoes is kind of rude.  We only take off our winter boots, and then immediately put on shoes. 

I certainly do not agree with the pp who suggested you not host your in-laws again over this.  That would be a huuuuge overreaction in my opinion.  She didn't poison your cat or set fire to your living room - she wore a piece of clothing that you objected to. 

ETA: I hope this didn't come off as completely insensitive - I know how annoying it can be to have someone be so uncooperative.  I just think there are ways to hopefully avoid this in the future.  Good luck!

I was brought up with the understanding that it is incredibly rude to remove shoes in someone else's house unless instructed to do so. I would never take off my shoes in someone else's house unless they asked me to. The fact that your MIL didn't remove her shoes doesn't really surprise me or seem all that unusual. What WAS disrespectful and rude was her refusing to do so even after she was asked to. If someone asks you do do something (reasonable) in their home, dear god you do it!

They are nice people, and I like them. But the whole reason why I was angry was because of the lack of respect in my home. The things I listed were just a small handful of what went on. But the weekend is over now and I can relax.

Next time they visit, my FMIL will be told to remove her shoes by me. I don't feel like scrubbing the scuff marks off my floor again.

as most people said i think you are over reacting! I understand you want to keep your house clean and if the shoe problem bothered you THAT much you should have said something. Ok so she got oil on a coffee pot, accidents do happen. And if your new baking dish got scratched that badly then ask her to pay for a new one. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but these seem like minor annoyances and not Huge problems. My advice to you would be to open your mouth to his mother sometime and not take your FI into the bathroom and Demand he speak to his mother! Good Luck