In-law vent thread

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I can commiserate! FMIL and FSIL are hypersensitive and FMIL blows up easily. Nothing has been easy since our engagement, while everything was fine before. It’s been a slew of unreasonable demands for our wedding with no offer to contribute, hurt feelings over any decision we make that is not what she wants, and I don’t even know where to begin with holidays! FSIL is a bridesmaid and I think she reports back to her mom on it to make me look like a bridezilla, when I’m just trying to be nice to her (like offer her a hair appointment I’m paying for on wedding day – that would be me “dictacting how bridesmaids are going to look” when FMIL heard about it.)

FI realizes the crazy antics so that makes it a bit easier, however I’ve found that I cannot vent to him because it is his mother after all. Enter Wedding Bee! He’s been great in talking to me about how we will approach things with them, with the understanding that we need to stick together and put ourselves before them. Also, my rule is to not confront inlaws about anything they’ve done to you. Ignore it, if someone needs to step in, FI should. If they approach me with their “hurt feelings” I’d say that that was not my intention, its unfair of them to look for a way to find everything hurtful, and that decisions FI and I make need to be respected.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

misswhimsy:  You have to spill the details!

I can’t actually post anything of my own, bc my FILs are relatively normal, thank the stars! But I always read the “crazy in-laws” threads b/c they never cease to amaze me!!! I am fascinated by bad behavior, I guess.

Post # 4
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My in-laws (and my family) live 180 miles away so luckily I don’t have to deal with them often. When we are home I do try to keep my time with them to a minimum. My FMIL caused so many problems in the beginning of our engagement that I have so much resentment & she basically turned my feelings sour to my whole planning process/wedding. God help me when grandkids are involved.

Post # 5
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My FMIL has so many issues. Two things make it bearable for me: 1) keeping contact to a minimum and 2) knowing that it has nothing to do with me, personally, but that she would hate anyone her son was marrying.

WARNING: THIS WILL BE LONG!

The first time I met her, FI and I were just friends.  She was super nice to me, went out of her way to make a vegetarian dinner entree, had no problems at all.  As soon as we started dating, everything changed.  She acted like I didn’t exist.  If I said something in a group conversation, she would literally jump in and say something that had nothing to do with what I said so that it was like I didn’t say anything at all.  She made no effort to have food I could eat when we visited. When FI would wait with me until I was done getting readyand then we would go down to breakfast together, she told FI that he should come down without me because the amount of time I took to get ready was ridiculous.  I only take 15-20 minutes. She looks down on me for wearing makeup every day. I could always just feel the annoyance radiating off of her.

When FI and I were renting an apartment together for a summer, his parents wanted to visit, but it was a really small apartment with only one bathroom, and they were going to stay on the pull-out couch. I have issues with privacy and things like that, so FI tried to nicely suggest that the couch was so old and lumpy, and the apartment was pretty small, so everyone would be more comfortable if they got a hotel.  She immediately called up FI and demanded to know “the real reason” she couldn’t stay with him and then went on and on to him about how I wouldn’t let her stay in her own son’s apartment with him. That one really pushed her over the edge, and ever since then I’ve been the woman who is going take her son away from her and stop him from ever seeing her again. That was about 5 1/2 years ago, and nothing I do will ever change her mind.

I always make sure to bring a yummy dessert every time I visit, and every time she pretty much refuses to eat any of it.

She forgot where I work about 4 times.  I work at one of the most well-known museums in the country and a famous movie is basically based on it. She had to be doing that on purpose, right?

When FI told his parents he was going to propose, his mom tried to convince him to wait until he was done with his PhD and tried to talk him out of it.  When he called to tell his family that he proposedand I said yes, she changed the subject.

The first time we saw them after getting engaged, she grilled me on religion, finances, and the wedding budget (they’re not paying at all), and I was just too caught off guard to put a stop to it.  She basically insulted the way my parents raised me because they didn’t force a religion on me, told me that participating in the public service loan forgiveness program wasn’t a real way to pay off my student loans, and said that my parents should pay off the rest of my student loans instead of paying for the wedding (which is just stupid because the wedding is sooo much less than my student loans!).  After telling her several times that we’re going to have the wedding near Boston, she called on her own and schedule an appointment for us to see a venue in FI’s hometown.  That was a fun surprise! My FFIL and FSIL both had talks with her about how inappropriately she acted.

When FI got his master’s degree (he’s in a PhD program and getting a master’s isn’t a big deal at all for him; it’s basically something that just happens on the way to the PhD), she emailed everyone in the family and her friends to tell them about it, and wanted to put an announcement in the local paper.  When FI asked if she had told the extended family about our engagement she said, “I figured you should do that because it’s something you did.”

For about 6 months after FI told her he wasvegetarian, she wouldn’t buy or make any substantial food he could eat when he visited (he sees his parents without me probably 2-3 times a year), and she would constantly offer him meat and pretend that he wasn’t vegetarian at all. She just assumed that I was forcing him into it, so if I wasn’t around he would want to eat meat.  After him telling her no enough times, she finally bought some veggie burgers.

She once sat FI down and told him that I seem very controlling and that since I like my family more, I’m going to make him spend all our free time with them, and she’ll never get to see him. This was WHILE WE WERE VISITING THEM! She also tried to convince him to have us schedule a financial planning session with her.  He tried to explain why that would be awkward,and she just insisted that he was wrong and she was the best person to do it.

She told FI that I was getting a government bail out with the student loan plan I’m on, and my plan was irresponsible.  This was about her third time going off on it, so FI just shut her down.

Every time we’ve tried to include her in wedding planning, she turns it into a negative. We asked FI’s parents if they wanted to come see our top two venues, and they said since we didn’t need their help and just wanted to include them, they didn’t feel the need to come.  When we asked to make sure our date (8/8/2015) was good for them, his mom replied, “Why not June?” and then spent a while trying to convince him to change the date.  It was so weird. Any mention of the wedding and she would go off on how you can keep things simple and not spend a lot of money. If people want a simple wedding and have a strict budget, that’s fine, but FI and I are not those people! We’ve made every wedding decision together and are 100% on the same page with the type of wedding we want.  She definitely thinks that I’m a frivolous person who just wants a big party, and that that I don’t care about my FI at all.  I mean, who could care about her precious baby as much as she does?!?

 

So, I think it’s pretty obvious why I try to avoid contact as much as I can!

Post # 7
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

misswhimsy:  

My in-laws live far away. Thank God for that because my MIL can be very rude and my BIL has no class at all. He has blown up at his mother and his wife while we were there. He made both women cry, which ruined our holidays and made things very awkward for my husband. My BIL makes these scenes and then gives weepy apologies. He clearly needs help and while I am polite and friendly to him, I am tired of his behavior. We drove over ten hours each way to see them, only to have my BIL act like a complete asshole. 

My MIL has a kind and thoughtful side as she never forgets my birthday and sends lovely care packages at dinner. At the same time, she has commented on my weight and my snoring. I will not be staying in her home again because of these remarks. My husband respectfully approached his mother about her remarks and how they hurt my feelings. I felt so sorry for my husband when the woman actually said “I WISH I NEVER HAD KIDS! YOU AND YOUR BROTHER ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL!” Unlike his brother, my husband has NEVER screamed or sworn at his mother. She was just taking out her anger at her first son on my husband. I also do not like listening to her disgusting words about my BIL’s wife. I love my SIL like we are blood sisters. 

 

Post # 8
Member
7 posts
Newbee

You are not alone!!  For the most part, the ILs are great, and we get along fine.  It’s my FI’s SIL that has tried to sabotage our relationship & was probably plotting to from day one or two.  Any family gathering we would be at, I would be nice, chat, etc.. and then later on I’d catch her leering at me.  Ok, whatever.  Then, my FI gets a call from his Dad, who’s very upset.. SIL told my FI’s grandpa we were living together.. Not a big deal to us but this man is very old fashioned and she knew the company she was in.  FI ended up hashing it out with his brother, who of course defended his wife and tried to tell him she “let it slip”, right.   Moved on from that, didn’t make a huge deal out of it.  We didn’t treat her any differently..etc..  Then, we were leaving his niece’s birthday party to look at engagement rings.. She acts upset when we leave, and a few hours later FI gets some ridiculous texts from his brother saying FI left too early and niece will never know/have a relationship with my FI.. FI responds with I have no idea why you’re saying this and I don’t agree.  Later on, FI’s brother approaches him and says he’s sorry, SIL made him send the texts.. Fine, moving on..  I should mention, his SIL will take every opportunity she can to remind me that she’s been in FI’s family for forever. Cool.  It’s highly annoying but I just deal with it.  The last time we were at his brother’s house, she even sat on my FFIL’s lap and I probably visibly cringed.  Anyway..

A few months down the line, FI’s SIL texts my FI and asks to see him, FI tells her he’s busy working on a car, she shows up anyway with his niece and stands around awkwardly for a few minutes then leaves.   A few days later, SIL texts my FI again and says she’s close by and wants to come by with niece.  FI tells her he won’t be home he’s working on a friend’s car.  Then all hell breaks loose.  I get a text from FI saying he’s had it and he’s pissed off at his SIL.  My first reaction is, oh no, what now??   After he told her he was busy, she goes berserk on my FI, telling him he has a niece he never sees and she can tell from FB that he spends way too much time with my family/friends.  By this point I’ve completely had it and so has he.  The FB thing is ridiculous, and I feel like she’s stalking us because she never comments/likes anything.  Though my family takes waaay more pictures than FI’s family(they almost never take pictures), that’s not our problem and does not mean we see my family more than his.  He responds to her the next day and all she does is argue with him.  FI’s brother gets involved and we find out SIL is extremely jealous of me and has been for a long time.  We said ok, but she needs to know she is wrong, and her behavior is way out of line.  I am hoping the issues stop, but I cannot control how she feels.  I don’t understand/know why she would be that insecure/jealous.  She should be happy for us, but obviously she is not.  Very sad, it makes me uncomfortable that she acts nice to my face and in reality is not so nice..  My FI has blocked her number, we’ve limited what she can see on our FB, may even delete her but I didn’t want there to be more drama caused.  We’ve pretty much limited the time we are around her as much as we can without alienating FI’s niece/brother.  I don’t particularly want her at my shower/bach. party, but I feel like I’m obligated to have her there.  Ugh. 

Post # 9
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

MaryUnicorns:  Wow, that’s too bad. your FI’s SIL sounds like a piece of work. My thought (and I don’t know if you’ve thought of it too) is that her insecurities are not so much with you, but with your FI. It seems to me, just from your stories, that maybe she has a thing for him and is taking it out that way… as though she married the wrong brother? why does she need his BIL around so much. it is very strange….

Post # 10
Member
7 posts
Newbee

 

lolalulu_24:  It is very bizarre…  I come from a big family with a lot of ILs and I’ve never seen/heard anything like this!  The people that I have vented to about this say pretty much exactly what you said, she’s jealous/has the hots for my FI.  How do you deal with that??? Lol!  Even if I had the hots for his brother, which I don’t.. I would never speak to him the way she did.  Like she thought she had some influence over him and could tell him how to live his life.  She always makes a huge deal over him when we come over and you could even say flirts with him now that I’m thinking about it..  I guess his brother is oblivious/doesn’t care??

Post # 11
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

MaryUnicorns:  It really does sound like she has something for your FI! Just curious – have you talked to FI about it? If it were my FI, he would demand her respect towards me or else there would be no interaction at all! Especially if there were a possibility for feelings like the ones she seems to have for him….

Post # 12
Member
7 posts
Newbee

lolalulu_24:  I hate to think that, I’d rather her just be jealous of me or something.. lol.  That I could deal with easier I think.. maybe.  We have talked about it at length, he thinks she’s insecure because I’m the ‘new kid in town’, prettier than her, and taking attention away from her & her daughter.  My FI did go back and forth with her, though she didn’t back down and she ended up apologizing a couple days later(probably at her husband’s behest).  After that he blocked her number and we restricted what she sees on our FB pages.  I guess all we can do is limit the time we’re around her, I just don’t want to alienate his brother/niece.  I did tell my FI I am not comfortable with him being at his brother’s house without me if she’s there.  He said he might talk to his brother about it, I don’t know if that would be productive or not?

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