Weddingbee boards

I married my ex without having met the in-laws prior and then went for a visit a few months later (oh to be young and dumb again!).

While we were married and living in the same state, I felt the same way.  You know I sometimes wonder if it is me, because I was raised to differently and I'm very quiet and shy and they are VERY loud and in your face. 

I tried because I really wanted to have that wonderfully fun relationship with my MIL but it never really happened - I always felt she didn't think I was good enough for her son.

I'm sure if we were still together and living close (we are 3000 miles away from my ex and his family) things may be different.  I try to keep in touch with them and keep them involved in my daughter's life because it's not their fault my ex and I are no longer married.

I say just keep an open mind and maybe try to do things that are only for you and your MIL - maybe a shopping day, lunch, or a trip to the spa?  What about trying to plan things that are more one on one and maybe ask the in-laws to share thier funniest stories of the husband?

Good Luck!! I know things will work out and one day you will wonder if there were ever a time you all weren't close!

I agree with previous posts that there’s not an immediate connection after marriage (unfortunately, right?) What it really comes down to is simply spending more time with the ILs. Like with anyone else, it takes time to develop a relationship. The previous advice to try to connect with a sibling is good; sometimes it’s easier to make a connection with someone closer to your age. And don’t worry about becoming BFF with everyone in one trip. Being comfortable with one or two relatives can make every visit easier, and then you can build from there. For me, I first got comfortable with my school-age niece and nephew first, who are very outgoing and whose mother appreciated that I’d play with them. And if the going really gets tough, accept that you can’t win them all but always remain civil and polite. I get along amicably with all my in-laws except one SIL. Our relationship is terse, but we mutually try to keep our distance so that it’s not an issue. I hold my comebacks and eye-rolling until we get home.

Finding conversation topics can be a challenge some times. In general, try to go along with whatever is already being talked about. Notice what your ILs like to talk about. For my ILs, it’s the weather, so I always ask what the weather has been like and comment on what weather we’ve been having. Also ask about things they are interested in. For example, my MIL is an avid quilter. I know nothing about quilting, but always ask her about it. My BIL is really into hunting. Again, I know nothing about it, but I’m learning (“oooh… a 7-point elk you say? Good job!”) and at least nod with interest. And everyone – including myself - gets a laugh when I respond in a totally inappropriate way (“Oh, the city girl who married into the country family said/did something silly again!”). And try to find anything that you both are interested in. For example, one SIL is an English teacher, so we always talk about our latest reads. You can also ask about your DH’s childhood, as most parents love to relay funny stories.

And when in doubt, always ask to help (particularly at meal time). Distracting yourself with slicing the bread, tossing the salad, or clearing the dishes can take the pressure off trying to hold on a conversation, plus your ILs will appreciate that you want to help. And ALWAYS complement their cooking!