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Wow. I can see why this would upset you and your daughter. I am really sorry that both of you are going through this.
Besides just coming out and reminding the In-Laws about the jealousy issue, there isn't much you can do. If you dont want to start any potential drama, you could try setting up a baby-free date with her and the daughter. Emphasize that this is baby-free and this is so that they can spend some special time together.
I really hope things get better for both your daughter and you soon.
Thank you we are supposed to get married in May but on top of this i dont know. My daughter comes first and her emotions are my priority. I don't know if I can marry someone knowing how it could effect my daughter no matter how much I love them. Or have other children for that matter. Thank you though I hope it gets better too. People are so nice on her compared to the Knot boards. Its nice to vent 
I dont even bother with the Knot! They are so catty over there. It's a whole different world!
I wouldn't judge your FI too harshly on this situation just yet. Does he treat your daughter right and give her plenty of attention? You can always try to strengthen their bond if the grandparents aren't playing along!
That is true. He is amazing. He treats her amazing and me too. He has never even raised his voice in 2 years to anyone even the trouble youth he works with.. She randomly slips up and calls him dad alot. I wish he would stand up to his mom but i understand why he hasn't since there is no way to do so without contrevesy. I'm so stuck. I thought maybe calling the FIL's more and just to ask them how they are doing and stuff maybe to just put it out there i am wanting to strengthen the relationship.
@ABCarlyle: I also think things like this happen when both children are blood relatives. A new baby always gets more attention. Would it be too much to go have coffee with your FMIL alone and tell her that your daughter loves her and misses her. Is this something two adult women can talk about and do whats best for the child? This will only work if you are not overly emotional during the discussion or it could appear confrontational.
I come from a large family and new babies are pretty common. I've clearly seen how new babies can take over, I specifically remember one Christmas where my little cousin X stated, "I hate grandma she only loves baby Y". It wasn't true but to a little kid who doesn't understand why grandma is obsessing on someone other than her it seems true. My parents have a video of my brother trying to attack a 6 month old me because my grandma was holding me when he wanted to go play. It's normal for their to be jealousy.
No one is going to love your baby as much as you do so you are going to notice everything and analyze it all. I will say that I think it was pretty crappy for their to be a cousin girl day sans your daughter, that would piss me off and I would actually confrot your FMIL directly about it (nicely of course) but everything else seems pretty normal.
My heart aches for both you and your daughter. We had a similar issue to this problem with my husband's bio dad and step mom. From my past experience, I believe that your fiance needs to have a serious conversation with them about what is going on. He needs to make them aware how hurt your daughter is. I hope he will do this. Otherwise, I understand your hesitancy to marry him. You actually do marry the family when you marry the man.
I have tried to do stuff with my FMIL but she won't do anything with out her daughter by her side. that makes it some what diffcult because i do not really want to disscuss it infront of her. My fsil is very territorial. and i know anything on the subject would offend her. I understand in some ways though, i mean, i always want my daughter by my side. and daughter mom relations are usually better than daughter son.
I personally would tell your FI how you and your daughter is feeling and lay it on the line. Exactly what you told us. And that you are maybe rethinking marrying him and into his family if his parents can't act like grandparents to your daughter also.
My DH, his brother has a step son and their parents treat this child (well teenager now) as if a blood grandchild. That is the way it should be if you are marrying into this family. In fact, when I met DH, the only way I knew this child was not a blood grandchild is when my then BF now DH told me he was a not a blood grandchild.
You and your daughter feelings matter just as much as this new baby for grandchild wise!
@DJones6005: yes you do marry the family. I am hoping spending some time with my family will help clear my head. This is actually his bio mom and step dad. his dad is just amazing with my daughter. so i should count my blessings for that. i am hoping time will heal. the problem is having the faith that it will.
@DJones6005: yes you do marry the family. I am hoping spending some time with my family will help clear my head. This is actually his bio mom and step dad. his dad is just amazing with my daughter. so i should count my blessings for that. i am hoping time will heal. the problem is having the faith that it will.
@Sassygrn: Thank You I think this is how it should be as well. I once dated a man with a son my daughter's age and my family took his son in like family. ever since then I have just been like man I hope my FH's family will do this too :) and who knows this could pass and it happen still :)
I would suggest you have a serious conversation with your in laws. Explain to them the situation... remind them that it is natural for children to be jealous or hurt when they don't get the attention that they used to and that you would like for them to make an extra effort to make her feel ok because your daughter has been saying (x,y,z). It was a really good idea to take your daughter to your parents for a little while.
At last someone going through the same thing. my FMIL was lovely to my little girl when they met (she was 1) presents at christmas eggs at easter etc then I had a baby with FI she paid less attention to my oldest, three months later my FSIL had a baby now my kids may aswell not exsist. My oldest gets nothing for her birthday my yougest gets £5 in a card. my FSIL's child gets at least £100 in gifts from FMIL and future father in law. on christmas eve we visited FSIL where she gave a present to my youngest from future father in law my oldest didn't even get a card and asked me why. she is 4 what am I supposed to tell her?
My FSIL said she felt awful she never realised how differently our children were treated to hers. she told us her child had a stack of gifts for christmas compared to the one gift my youngest got (which was a supermarket brand t-shirt). the children didnt even get a card from FMIL
My FI is so passive he just lets everything slide but I am sick of it. I have asked him to tell his family to either treat the children equally or not bother at all. Even my ex's mother my oldest daughters gran buys my youngest a birthday and christmas present. and she has no raeson to so why cant his family make the effort? (sorry this is a vent on your vent just wanted you to know your not alone)
@almost mrs: Please vent on my vent lol. but seriously wow, one thing i will say about my FMIL she gave everyone four presents on christmas eve and then took all the extra ones she bought the new baby to her house on christmas day. I'm glad she didnt do it in front of my daughter. I think I am going to try what some of these awesome ladies have said. Maybe let her know my daughter loves and misses them and start there, maybe try to get alone with her in a non confrontational way. I am glad your FSIL realizes this (I think mine enjoys this lol) Hope it gets better. Sounds like our FI are two peas in a pod. Sometimes the passiveness works for me, sometimes against me.
Yeah the passiveness sometimes make me want to kick him but then he would probably let that go too...
I agree @Soladylike: that its not necessarily the fact that your daughter is not a blood grandchild, its just that she is no longer the youngest and cutest. Babies always get the most attention from grandparents.
I don't have any advice, but I do feel for you and your little girl. Any chance of spending more time with your FI's bio dad or moving closer to your family? I think your FMIL is really being a jerk.
@strawbabies: Well supposedly he has been applying for jobs in the school systems near my family (SS Teacher). But sadly one bad thing about both of our professions is the biggest hiring time is in the school summer breaks when people dont get rehired. I am hoping this summer we can either move towards my family or maybe towards his aunt and her kids (we get along great). We live close to his dad now so we are luck to have him by us. we just dont get to see him much with his schedule. But yes moving is in my prayers! lol
@bells: I could see this but do you think maybe once the new baby hype dies down things will be different? This doesn't make me want to have anymore kids thinking this is going to happen. If I still lime light ever from my FSIL she would cause a huge stink.
Aw, I'm sorry to hear this, especially for your daughter. My brother and his wife just had twins so I have seen first hand how in love grandparents are with their grandbabies. But having said that, my mom, I think, is secretly willing me and my husband to have a baby because I think she thinks that she will get to be even more involved because of the mom-daughter thing. She loves my brother's wife, and she ADORES the grandkids, but I think there is something about the mother-daughter-daughter-having-a-baby bond that is just different where the grandma gets to be so close to it all and involved.
Anyway, your FML sounds like a good person based on the relationship she did develop with your daughter. She may not even realize how important she has been to your daughter and the extent of her current behavour on your daughter's feelings. I would suggest you and your FI talk to her together and reinforce how much she means to your daughter. She might be suprised and pleased and make a better effort.
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This is kind of a vent but also asking for advice.
I have a three year old from a previous relationship. When i met my FI his family loved on her and always wanted to see her and do things with her. It seemed really genuine but they also had suffered the lost of two grand children My little girl has grown to really love them and wants to be around them and always asks to talk to them. my FIL even considered her a grand child they said. My FSIL had a baby in August which I am so happy God blessed her with after all the heart ache from before.
At first I knew to expect the excitement of the baby to over take my FIL's. Its to be expected. But things have gotten worse and months go on. At first, it was spending more time with the baby (again totally expected) but now its other things. All they talk about to my little girl is the blood granddaughter and how shes a blessing. My three year old doesn't understand thhis and just says "mommy _______ really loves the baby now" and is so upset. I tried to explain that the baby was new and everyone was really happy she was here. She baby sits the baby constantly without notice or being asked and we asked for her to keep my daughter just because she wanted to see them so we could go to the store and pick up a washer and told us iif it was convenient for them.
Then other things started happening like on Facebook my MIL will post on her wall how her grandchild has her heart. She had told my daughter the last week as well she would go see beauty and the beast with her when it comes out. Come to find out, she made plans to take the 6 month old to see it with my FSIL, and all the girl cousins as a girl day and didnt even tell us she had changed her mind. My daughter was devistated.
I'm not jealous at all, in fact I understand blood grandchildren by nature will recieve more attention. but the problem is basically i feel my daughter was used as this temporary grandchild until the blood one came along and has been thrown to the curve. Its not fair to my daughter. she doesn't understand this. All she knows is that this man and woman after we got engaged were asking what she was going to call them (grand parent wise) and now dont want that first name basis again. It has gone on for so long now and my FI keeps saying I am over reacting and everything is fair. I have got to the point that I am going to be staying a few nights with my parents a week so my daughter can have time with them to maybe take some of the attention off my FIL's (I moved two hours away from all my family to be near my FIL's for my FI). ANy one have any advice for this?
I did say something to my FMIL once. At a party she asked what was wrong with my daughter she was acting funny and i told her politely I think she is jealous. She used to get alot of attention from you. She corrected herself for maybe an hour by hugging her and playing with her but then went back to ignoring her. I know you can't force a relationship and do not want to stir up drama either.