(Closed) In-Laws from Hell are Turning Me to the Darkside

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

WHY have you not told him about all this???? That is just crazy. Sorry, but I would not marry into a family that hates me with such a vengeance. No amount of love is worth putting yourself through something like this

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Stop hiding it all from your fiance. It will soon backfire. 

His family is hurting their own relationship and if FI doesnt know the whole story he will start to blame you for your actions or lack thereof (IE not visiting).

If and when your FI agrees that his family is not supportive, then maybe you can plan a destination wedding and likely his family will not want to go anyway, so your family can still go and celebrate with you.

Bu first and foremost, communicate! With your fiance and your FMIL. Show her the emails you received. Be vocal about what you see that upsets you (swearing etc), but be nice.  And keep doing it.

Post # 5
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@LookieLou: first off, sorry you’re going through this crap with his family.

secondly, TELL YOUR FI!  I’m sorry, dear, but he’s got a right to know.  He NEEDS to know what his family is doing.  

Thirdly, if they attack you or harm you in any physical way, then press charges against them. It doesn’t matter if they’re his family or not, but NO ONE has a right to physically abuse someone.   (Just warn your FI ahead of time, but I’m pretty sure if he loves you, he’ll be right there with you, if not ready to knock the crap out of them ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

I’m sure other bees will have other suggestions, but that’s what I would do.  As well as talking it over with your FI.

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Shortly after this, his sister threatened to attack me if I ever came around again. His parents want to know why I never visit them and demand I do, his brother and his brother’s fiance both sent me emails telling me to never visit anyone in their family, otherwise I will “suffer consequences” because I am “f-cking, spoiled, blood-sucking leach”. Again, my fiance doesn’t know any of this either. I just let it go.

This is a big item not to tell your FI.

Your and your fiance will need to decide what is OK and what is not. Are you OK with him going to family events and not you? 

Discuss what you will do if their reaction is as bad as it says. Is he willing to distance himself from his family. Pple say family is “blood”, but family also has to earn the right to be in someone’s life. IF they can’t support your fiance, does he even want to continue any relationship? 

I know of a few people who have cut out large portions of one side or another because of abusive behavior (mentally or physically). 

This may not be something you can fix, but it is something you can decide together what your reaction will be.

Post # 8
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OMG this is horrible!!! {{{HUG}}}  I’m so sorry you are going through this!

I’m a little curious, why didn’t he go to his family and let them know before he proposed? Or immediately after? You fear them, but does he as well? I don’t think it should be up to you to be honest, I think he needs to go to them and say look, this is the woman I love and i’m going to marry her – like it or not. Because at the end of the day, he has already chosen you, and they are the ones that have forced him to choose.

If they aren’t going to be invited to the wedding anyway I say destination wedding and invite your family and close friends, dont let his family rain on your beautiful day!!

 

Post # 10
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@LookieLou: He has to make the decision, but it may be for best. It doesnt sound like they are very supportive eitherway.

Also think about big holidays and splitting time. Its one think if its a shower or Sunday night BBQ, but what about Xmas or Thanksgiving? Are you OK not spending it with him? For me, I would not be.  Make sure you think about this before committing.

I would just go ahead and tell them you are engaged. You will get a lot of reaction and emotion it seems, but it will also bring things to a head. And you and your fiance can decide how to handle it. 

It might be nice to know exactly where you and your fiance stand with your in-laws instead of this “in-between” you are currently in.

Post # 11
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My first advice is this: Don’t hide your FI family’s actions from him. It’s not about making him upset its about keeping him informed. They are his family and YOU are his family and he needs to manage how they are interacting with you since its not appropriate. He can’t do that unless you tell him. It also borders on keeping some serious secrets which is just bad for any relationship.

2) Their actions seem really out there, which tells me we are missing some of the story. You need to get to the root of why they don’t like you. Something must have happened or been assumed for them to react so strongly.

3) The parents need to be informed that you have been physically threated if you come to visit. Otherwise they just assume you are the B who never visits. They also need to manage their children and can’t if they don’t know what is going on.

4) When you get texts, emails, phone calls etc he needs to be the one to respond to them. If he is the wall then the attacks will stop. As it is, they can treat you however, you never tell him, so it doesn’t affect his relationship with them. They need to see that their actions have consequences.

I would look at this as an opportunity to start to repar this relationship with his family. This should be happy time and they may start treating you differently if you are going to be around forever. You also need to stop ignoring and be active in being friendly and building these bridges… you really can’t take a passive backdoor seat to this. You also need to be a team with your FI.

Post # 14
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

maybe i’m just a b*tch…. (or slytherin)…

but i would have been recording phone messages and calls, printing off e-mails, eventually recording whole conversations…. and sending all that stuff to their workplaces and get each one of those b*stards fired from their jobs.

Post # 14
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

maybe i’m just a b*tch…. (or slytherin)…

but i would have been recording phone messages and calls, printing off e-mails, eventually recording whole conversations…. and sending all that stuff to their workplaces and get each one of those b*stards fired from their jobs.

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