- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2014
Hurrah, I’m engaged!
Now, bring on the drama. :/
Bear with me. It’s a long story, but it has weighed on me and my partner so heavily that this was the primary reason that I joined weddingbee (among others). The problem is my FILs (when isn’t it, lol).
The MIL and I have never gotten along. I am essentially every thing that her homophobic, racist, sexist self hates–a queer (bisexual) woman of color “(afro-latina). She is also a hyper Christian fundamentalist, in an almost laughable way…like, I’m pretty sure that Westboro would be like “Damn, lady, calm down…” LOL. My future FIL is a very passive, laid-back guy. We get along. In fact, he’s pretty open-minded–smokes a joint once or twice a year (he used to be a huge pothead in the seventies), and is generally happy with just being left alone to play fetch with his dog. No one knows why or how they’re still married either, but they are.
So for the five and a half years that fiancé and I have been together, the fMIL has been a nightmare while the fFIL has not done anything to interfere. The only person that had my back from day one was my fBIL. Even when my own fiancé wouldn’t stand up for me out of fear of rocking the boat (he grew up modeling his father’s behavior of staying out of the way), my fBIL would go ahead and rock that boat. He had a very rebellious streak, but was generally a good kid. We got a long extremely well. He’s much younger than my fiancé by several years, so when me and the fiancé started dating, he was still just starting high school. But he was a generally smart kid and much wiser than his years.
About three and a half years into the relationship, my fiancé finally joined my fBIL in defending me as he had had enough and put his foot down (which I honestly think would have happened sooner if we didn’t live several states away from my future in-laws). He had a blow-up fight with my fMIL and things settled down. She even started acting like a human being towards me.
Cut to a year later. fMIL and I are still very wary of each other, but are polite. Everyone is getting along. However, my fBIL became troubled and got into drugs. He lived with my fMIL and my fFIL and was incredibly depressed and I immediately suggested that he move cross country and live with us for a little bit until he recovered and got the help he needed because his mother was forcing him to just go to church every day (at this point in time he was 20 years old, broke, and had flunked out of two different colleges).
So he flew over to live with me, my fiancé, and my roommate.
And then…shit got really fucking weird.
Before fBIL moved in with us, we sat down and talked with out roommate and told her that he was there for recovery–no booze, drugs, anything that could distract him, etc. She was totally okay with this.
And then two weeks into him moving in with us, she and he started sleeping together.
Well, me and fiancé felt incredibly disrespected. We had told them that we had no issue with them pursuing a sexual relationship after our lease was up in five months (within literally like, two days, we saw that there was something going on and talked with them). We didn’t want them to pursue this beforehand because a.) fBIL was quite literally our WARD, he was in recovery, and he promised to live by our rules, b.) If it hadn’t worked out between them, it would have made things awkward and shifted the dynamic of the house, which wasn’t fair to us, c.) he was 20 and she was 26, and frankly, the skeeved us out a little.
Okay, so if c.) was the only reason it wouldn’t have mattered. But a.) and b.) were both important. Anyway, I got mad because we had opened up our home to him and he was ungrateful and disrespectful. So, I left to go stay with my own (awesome not-crazy) mother. I needed to cool off–I had spent the money to fly him there, feed him, house him, after all. Well, cut to two weeks later, and I get a call from my fiancé saying that the two of them have started a relationship and that fBIL is acting like a moody teenager and is accusing me of being upset because I harbored feelings for the roommate.
Because, you know, I’m bisexual, and therefore attracted to every woman and man I see, and it must be the ONLY REASON I am this mad. /sarcasm
Well, now a situation in which I would have cooled off and then try to discuss the situation like an adult has turned into being hurt that I was that petty.
But that wasn’t the worst part.
Apparently, my brother-in-law told my fMIL about the situation and OUTED ME to her. She did not know that I was bisexual before, and in his lie to his mother to make himself out to be the victim, he outed me. To the last person that I ever would have wanted to be outed to.
It was such a betrayal. Right then and there, my fiancé stopped talking to him. I stopped talking to him. We both packed our bags and left him with the rest of the rent to pay. And now, my fMIL and I, who had been on okay but shaky terms beforehand, were done for for good. Since then, my fiancé has started pushing back at his mother and asking her why this is a big deal, asking her to defend her positions on why she thinks the way she does and she will then accuse him of bullying her.
SO. If you are still with me.
Neither of us want them at the wedding. But fiancé has always had a good relationship with his father and his other family members. If the mother can’t come, the father won’t be there. And fiancé doesn’t want to have to explain the reason why he isn’t speaking with his brother to family members and even friends that don’t know the situation because then that will invariably “out” me. We’re exceptionally private people (which is why I’m telling the whole Internet!!! LOL) and don’t want to talk about this anymore, but we know people will have questions.
My fear is that the estranged fBIL will fill them in on /his/ version of events. Fiancé has said that he’s not that concerned because it’s his reputation as a successful, rational, college-educated human being who has always held a steady job and his known for his honesty and discipline against his fBIL’s as a rebellious two-time dropout.
But I feel like fBIL’s story is so ridiculous that people might be like, “who would make this shit up??” And then there’s the fact that I actually /am/ queer, so even if the other part of the story is ludicrously untrue, I feel weird denying my identity vs. just not addressing it. But there’s so much stigma against bisexuality both from the queer and mainstream communities, that if I were to admit that I was, they would automatically believe that my fBIL’s story is true.
Anyway. That’s what’s on my mind. Sorry this was so incredibly long. Hope you guys are able to answer. Thank you for bearing with me. 🙂