Post # 1
After my cancer diagnosis, we had to break our lease, store our stuff, and move for treatment. My husband had to quit his job . My in-laws took us in and said “as long as you need, whatever you need,” and it was so amazing. Granted, no one wants to move in with their in-laws, but they were very welcoming and we couldn’t have done it without them. I am in full remission and married to an amazing man. 🙂
Now that the wedding is over, they allowed us to use their condo in a different state until DH finds a job, and again gave us the “as long as you need,” speech… We signed a lease for the summer, except this time we’re not feeling so welcome.
On a weekend that we were out of town, MIL invited family to stay, at the place we’re using, without telling us. I know it’s her place, but a little notice would have been wonderful. We would have put sheets on the guest beds, moved our bikes out of the entryway. Maybe we wouldn’t have had our laundry still hanging on the drying rack. You know, tidied up for guests.
When DH asked his mom about the family, she lost it on him. I mean lost it. “This isn’t hotels.com, I don’t need to ask you…” and so on. She hung up on him.
We really thought she was letting *us* use the place for the summer.
Is this something I should bring up with her, perhaps in a gentle tone (we are good friends) ? Or do we just suck it up until we can GTFO of here?
Any advice is much appreciated. I’m having trouble focusing on anything else.
Post # 3
Wow. That’s crazy. I would have your husband talk to them though, since it’s his family. Just calmly say that he knows that it’s their place, but thought that they were letting you guys stay there for the summer until you get back on your feet. Then say it’s ok if other people come, you only would want to know to make it more comfortable for them.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through.
It’s really frustrating when people give you the “oh it’s 100% fine! long as you need! we are 100% okay with it” and then something happens where you find out that’s not entirely true and they have some kind of resentment towards you that’s completely out of your control.
She was in the wrong. Just because she gave you guys a place to stay it doesn’t mean she can call the shots. You don’t appear generous the next minute so you look like a saint only to completely blow up on someone the next. Which is it? ya know?
You should absolutely bring it up to her but if she’s prone to snapping I would have the two of you go and speak with her, together.
Post # 5
I agree with PP. Just because they’re offering to let you stay in their place doesn’t mean they can just let other people pop in at any time. If you had a houseguest, you wouldn’t just walk in on them at any time of day. Same logic applies here.
I would have DH talk to them directly since he is their son and it’s usually easier engaging in these types of discussions when you are their child. Emphasize that you are not opposed to having guests stay over but that at least a few days of warning would be helpful so you can get ready for the guests, including having fresh sheets on the bed.
I don’t think you should just suck it up and wait until you can move out because this type of incident can occur again and keeping it in will breed resentment on your and DH’s parts.
Post # 6
Move out. I know he’s looking for a job, but he needs to get something, ANYTHING to bring in income. Work at Starbucks, whatever. This is a pretty clear sign that you’ve worn out your welcome. Unfair? Yes. But it’s the truth. She’s starting to get resentful of your presense there, so I’d get out ASAP.
Post # 7
@MariContrary: I definitely feel the “overstaying our welcome” vibe after this. DH has interviews all over the country. It’s not as simple as getting a job at Starbuck’s and moving (what happens if he gets a job 8 hours away? Do we break another lease?), though I definitely agree with the sentiment.
I’m pretty hurt and feel these passive-aggressive behaviors from her like jabs to the chest.
Like, don’t say you’re helping us get on our feet after cancer unless you actually want to help. Sigh.
Post # 9
@AnonymousBBQ: are you paying? Since you ar talking about breaking a lease.
Post # 10
@AnonymousBBQ: You mention a lease. If your in-laws drew up a formal contract for your stay, then they’ve already taken this matter out of the realm of “family favors” into the professional realm of landlord and tenant. And landlords have responsibilities to their tenants. They cannot a) enter without notice, or b) allow randoms to stay in the tenant’s apartment when the tenant is away.
Moreover, a lease suggests that you’re paying something for the right to stay there. Is this true? If you are paying for the right to stay there, then your husband should definitely tell them that they need to get your permission before entering. By charging you for staying there, your in-laws have already moved this out of a “family relationship” into a business relationship (I don’t care if they’re giving you a geat great rent or not; they’re still charging you) and thus, they should be cool with you requesting that they fulfill their responsibilities as landlords (i.e., keeping out) in the same way that they expect you to fulfill your responsibilities as tenants, and pay the rent.
If I’m misunderstanding you and there is no formal document you had to sign in order to live there, and you’re also staying rent-free, I think your husband could AT LEAST send an email to his mom in a light/joking vein to make your wishes clear — something like,
We’d appreciate advance notice next time you open the apartment to others. It was really fortunate last time that we didn’t leave the whips and chains out where your guests could see them — but luck runs out, so next time you need to use the place, please do let us know in advance! 😉
I think that should get the point across. 🙂
Post # 11
Is the lease with them? If so, it seems that you have a contract saying it’s your home, and it would be wrong of her to be inviting people to stay with you.
Post # 12
@calendula: She’s saying that if they move out and sign a lease, he could get a job across the country any time and they would have to break the new lease to move.
Post # 13
@AnonymousBBQ: I think they are feeling like you guys are mooching off them. They probably expect to see some kind of effort to establish yourselves.
Why can’t your DH take any old job whilst he is searching for one in his field? I mean beggers can’t be choosers. When you are broke and are living off someone else’s generousity then you do whatever you can. If this means working at McDonalds to earn a little bit of cash and good faith with those currently supporting you then that is what you do.
I would get your FI to talk to his parents about the guest issue. It sounds like it was a bit of a communication breakdown.
Post # 14
@lia22: I thought she said “we signed a lease for the summer” in her original post.
Post # 15
@AnonymousBBQ: Oh sweetie, I am sorry.
My family, and DHs family, talk to each other straight and it makes like with in-laws good. So that’s part of this problem, the lack of straight talk, and you sound entirely reasonable. I hope that you continue to mend in helath.
We, of course, don’t have your MIL’s point of view but I suspect if we did we’d get “oh the kids are welcome to stay there as long as they need to” when in fact her internal clock has kicked in and you should be out.
Post # 16
@calendula: No, No sending anything to the MIL in writing, this has to be handled with voice communication and preferably in person, but at minimum, on th ephone. NEVER do these things in writing, it is NOT a contract, it is a social interaction.