In-Laws' Generosity Seems to Have Strings… Any Advice?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Wow. That’s crazy. I would have your husband talk to them though, since it’s his family. Just calmly say that he knows that it’s their place, but thought that they were letting you guys stay there for the summer until you get back on your feet. Then say it’s ok if other people come, you only would want to know to make it more comfortable for them. 

Post # 4
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through.

It’s really frustrating when people give you the “oh it’s 100% fine! long as you need! we are 100% okay with it” and then something happens where you find out that’s not entirely true and they have some kind of resentment towards you that’s completely out of your control.

She was in the wrong.   Just because she gave you guys a place to stay it doesn’t mean she can call the shots.   You don’t appear generous the next minute so you look like a saint only to completely blow up on someone the next.   Which is it?  ya know?

You should absolutely bring it up to her but if she’s prone to snapping I would have the two of you go and speak with her, together.

Post # 5
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with PP. Just because they’re offering to let you stay in their place doesn’t mean they can just let other people pop in at any time. If you had a houseguest, you wouldn’t just walk in on them at any time of day. Same logic applies here.

I would have DH talk to them directly since he is their son and it’s usually easier engaging in these types of discussions when you are their child. Emphasize that you are not opposed to having guests stay over but that at least a few days of warning would be helpful so you can get ready for the guests, including having fresh sheets on the bed.

I don’t think you should just suck it up and wait until you can move out because this type of incident can occur again and keeping it in will breed resentment on your and DH’s parts.

Post # 6
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Move out.  I know he’s looking for a job, but he needs to get something, ANYTHING to bring in income.  Work at Starbucks, whatever.  This is a pretty clear sign that you’ve worn out your welcome.  Unfair? Yes.  But it’s the truth.  She’s starting to get resentful of your presense there, so I’d get out ASAP.

Post # 9
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@AnonymousBBQ:  are you paying? Since you ar talking about breaking a lease. 

Post # 10
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnonymousBBQ:  You mention a lease. If your in-laws drew up a formal contract for your stay, then they’ve already taken this matter out of the realm of “family favors” into the professional realm of landlord and tenant. And landlords have responsibilities to their tenants. They cannot a) enter without notice, or b) allow randoms to stay in the tenant’s apartment when the tenant is away.

Moreover, a lease suggests that you’re paying something for the right to stay there. Is this true? If you are paying for the right to stay there, then your husband should definitely tell them that they need to get your permission before entering. By charging you for staying there, your in-laws have already moved this out of a “family relationship” into a business relationship (I don’t care if they’re giving you a geat great rent or not; they’re still charging you) and thus, they should be cool with you requesting that they fulfill their responsibilities as landlords (i.e., keeping out) in the same way that they expect you to fulfill your responsibilities as tenants, and pay the rent.

If I’m misunderstanding you and there is no formal document you had to sign in order to live there, and you’re also staying rent-free, I think your husband could AT LEAST send an email to his mom in a light/joking vein to make your wishes clear — something like,

We’d appreciate advance notice next time you open the apartment to others. It was really fortunate last time that we didn’t leave the whips and chains out where your guests could see them — but luck runs out, so next time you need to use the place, please do let us know in advance! 😉

I think that should get the point across. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Is the lease with them?  If so, it seems that you have a contract saying it’s your home, and it would be wrong of her to be inviting people to stay with you.

Post # 12
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@FoxyBride14:  

@calendula:  She’s saying that if they move out and sign a lease, he could get a job across the country any time and they would have to break the new lease to move.

Post # 13
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@AnonymousBBQ:  I think they are feeling like you guys are mooching off them. They probably expect to see some kind of effort to establish yourselves.

Why can’t your DH take any old job whilst he is searching for one in his field? I mean beggers can’t be choosers. When you are broke and are living off someone else’s generousity then you do whatever you can. If this means working at McDonalds to earn a little bit of cash and good faith with those currently supporting you then that is what you do.

I would get your FI to talk to his parents about the guest issue. It sounds like it was a bit of a communication breakdown. 

Post # 14
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lia22:  I thought she said “we signed a lease for the summer” in her original post. 

Post # 15
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@AnonymousBBQ:  Oh sweetie, I am sorry.

My family, and DHs family, talk to each other straight and it makes like with in-laws good. So that’s part of this problem, the lack of straight talk, and you sound entirely reasonable. I hope that you continue to mend in helath.

We, of course, don’t have your MIL’s point of view but I suspect if we did we’d get “oh the kids are welcome to stay there as long as they need to” when in fact her internal clock has kicked in and you should be out.

Post # 16
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@calendula:  No, No sending anything to the MIL in writing, this has to be handled with voice communication and preferably in person, but at minimum, on th ephone. NEVER do these things in writing, it is NOT a contract, it is a social interaction.

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