In laws – I dont know what to do

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Pokemon:  You need to live your lives for you, not his parents (or anyone else). If they have unreasonable expectations, you don’t have to meet them. If they are douche canoes, you don’t need to have them in your life. Being related doesn’t give you an all access pass to treat each other like shit. 

Having said that, I do think the couple should make a point to greet each guest at their wedding. People spent money and gave up their free time for you, so the least you can do is go say hello and thank you. I’ve never been to a wedding where the couple didn’t come and talk to me. I guess if it’s a huge wedding people will say it’s not possible to do but I personally wouldn’t invite so many people that I couldn’t even say hello to them. 

I’d like your DH decide what he wants to do – it’s his family. 

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Pokemon:  I’m not saying you did. I’m saying perception is reality. They didn’t know all of your logistical challenges and maybe they assumed it was intentional. Either way, there was a miscommunication and playing the blame game gets people nowhere. 

Post # 6
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsPanda99:  Normally I would agree about the greeting, but it sounds like there were issues way before the wedding itself, with FIL’s behaviour and SIL’s behaviour. Though I guess OP and DH could have been the bigger people about it, maybe they wanted to avoid more drama?

OP, either way, there’s a lot more here than people being mad about not getting a hello. Why was your FIL so crusty about the wedding stuff? While I feel bad for your SIL (11 years engaged and no wedding is a drag) she should not take it out on you.

You and your husband are married (yay!) and it is time for you two to start YOUR life as a family. If his family wants to be part of that, they will let you know by how they treat you. I’m not saying you should start WWIII over this, but if you pander to them now, you’ll be doing it forever.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@chercee:  There’s three sides to every story – your side, my side, and the truth. Maybe there is a reason they weren’t excited for the marriage. Either way, they were invited guests, they showed up, and they felt they should have been greeted. If the OP and her husband were so upset by his family’s behaviour then they didn’t need to invite them. The fact is that they did. Gotta live in the present. 

Post # 10
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Pokemon:  I’ve come to the realization that in the end family are people and if they end up being negative, terrible people than perhaps it is better not to have them in your lives.

Your FIL and MIL not showing up at the reception just shocks me, I can’t even imagine something like that happening.

I’m glad you have dicussed it with your husband and if he wants to limit time with his family that is fine. Yes it may fuel the idea that you’re rude and you may get blamed for the rift but it’s not necessarily going to be any better if you did spend time with them.

Sounds like a lose/lose situation all around. I had something similar with my mother years ago after my parents separated and I made the decision that I didn’t want her in my life as spending time with her always got me upset.

Best of luck to you and your new husband, family drama is tricky.

Post # 11
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsPanda99:  Ya, you’re probably right. I guess I was just thinking that if someone had been rude to me leading up to my wedding, part of me would have trouble pretending to be happy to see them. But in the end, yes, guests should be greeted regardless.

Post # 14
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’d probably just limit contact for a while. Go over to see them once during the holidays, maybe. Be gracious and sweet. Act like nothing has happened and try to have a decent time.

Relationships with family do not have to be perfect or even functional! I can understand why some people would cut family out of their lives, but that’s not acceptable in our family. So if we have issues with someone, we just keep them at arm’s length and wait for it to blow over. It always does.

 

Post # 16
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

OP, You are right to be annoyed, and I would have a hard time doing it, but Solidarity is right. Suck it up and kill em with kindness! I certainly wouldn’t apologize to them.

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