Post # 1
My Fiance has no family. They passed away when he was a teenager. He has three relatives left, two blood one by marraige. Let’s call them X, Y, Z.
Z has severe dementia and emerging alzheimers. As a result Z barely recognises Fiance, still believes he is five years old and is confused by my existance. I respect that. X said Z won’t be coming to the wedding because it’s too hard, Fiance was sad but understood.
X lives far away, in a different country in fact. He moved there with Y and without young orphaned Fiance many years ago, which is something that has never seemed right to me.
Fiance struggled alone, greiving and confused and managed to still get into College where we met. X and Y don’t like me because they believe I am a gold digger, which is utter and total rubbish given now 7 years later I earn significantly more than Fiance.
X and Y haven’t asked about the wedding, bar ringing up to announce they didn’t agree with it. They decided to come anyway but announced our venue hotel wasn’t good enough and they would stay elsewhere. Good. Fine.
Suddenly they behind our backs ring my father (whom my relationship with is very strained) and ask for details to book into our hotel. Dad took the opportunity to have a nice chat with X knowing full well that X has done nothing but make my life harder for seven years and said offensive things about me without reason. Dad and X get on like a house on fire. X thinks dad should pay for the whole wedding because “tradition”. Mum and Dad have no money because of Dad but that’s another story. Fiance and I are paying for wedding, Mum is sad she can’t but everyone is ok with the situation except Fiance and I are expected to pretend they are paying for lots of it and be very grateful to them to maintain the family secret. This means dad gets to gloat to X making him and X very smug and happy as they discuss how ungrateful I am. 😐
I’ll be honest here. I don’t want X at the wedding. X only calls to bring new problems and difficulties to our lives. Fiance bends to X because X is FI’s only family and I try to understand though it’s hard because I wan’t X to vanish off the face of the earth. Everyone who has seen what X has put me and Fiance through has decided to stay away from X at the wedding to avoid wanting to punch X in X’s smug face. I’m grateful for them wanting to keep the peace but X has insulted them before too and I don’t want them to think I think it’s ok for him to treat them like he treats Fiance and I.
I don’t want to tell Fiance to abandon his only family even though they abandoned him without a second thought but it hurts me everyday to see the damage X has done to FI’s self esteem. I absolutely will not allow X to do that to our future children but Fiance dodges talking about it and says “X won’t be around forever”. True enough but unless my sister acts on her repeated dreams of poisoning X, X will be around long enough to cause problems because waiting for soneone to die before having kids sounds silly.
Post # 3
While I understand your position and why you do not like his family, but he has made it clear that he wants them there. Do your best to ignore X and enjoy your family and friends that will be there to share your special day with you.
After the wedding, sit down with your husband and explain to him that while you understand this person is family, you would like to only deal with them on a minimum basis. This person lives in a different country than you. I don’t think you will have much to worry about once he or she goes back.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry. That’s a really difficult situation, with no clear correct answer. My heart goes out to you.
Post # 5
@arsing89: Thankyou for your help. I ‘ve tried hard to understand Fiance but since I can’t I’ve resigned myself to just trying to cope 🙂
I try to be nice and sweet to them for FI’s sake but I’m also very honest so I told him I’ll be very polite and I would never start anything but he chooses to let them mistreat him, I won’t choose to let them mistreat me so if X says awful awful things to my face again i’ll end the conversation polietly but firmly and walk away. I avoid talking to them wherever I can but sometimes they like to goad me. It’s hard not to rise to it, I have a temper I inherited from my Dad that i’m not proud of and I try every day to quell it and Turn the other cheek. I’ve managed to contain it to outburts of rage and tears after they’ve gone and just with my sister or best friend which isn’t too bad I don’t think 🙂
Post # 6
@MissHobbit: Thankyou for your kind thoughts 🙂
X sent my Dad a christmas gift and card last year but not Fiance or I. I don’t expect anything so I don’t mind for myself but I was sad for Fiance. It’s sad they’d abandon him so easily when Fiance has such strong and loving views of family.
As much as I don’t understand Fiance I’m still amazed by his tolerance.
Post # 7
It sounds like a sucky situation, but your Fiance seems to want his only living family at your wedding, you can’t really do anything except suck it up and kill them with kindness.
Post # 8
@drummerbride: Thankyou 🙂
I think you’re right. It’s nice to be able to get it all out on here. I don’t like bending my bridesmaids ears too much when I know that there’s no solution and it’s going to have to be me biting my tongue and watching them smarm all over my big day. XD
At least I can take comfort knowing I’ve been there for Fiance. That’s what real family do, even though I’d rather they weren’t there for me, I’d never put Fiance in the position they did by being unpleasant about it. ^_^
Post # 9
X abandoned your fiance as a child, but is all palsy-walsy with your father? Why???
I’m sorry your fiance only has crappy relatives left, but he’s being a moron. I don’t believe in letting people treat me like crap because we’re related biologically. Tell him flat out you’re not going to take any shit from X. Because X doesn’t really give a damn about him.
Post # 10
@strawbabies: Thankyou for your support. It really means a lot.
I was angry at my father for being all buddy buddy with X when he knows the situation. My sister has been very supportive. She’s in the “this is crap let’s all stop pussying around and be honest” camp. She’s a strong and amazing woman.