In Laws refuse to give us their RSVP response

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

OMG, this is such a terrible situation.  How does your FI feel about all this?  It sounds like his family is making him choose between them and you, and he’s choosing you.  Is that correct?  Eesh.  I’m so sorry.

Well, my opinion is that you should go ahead and tell your caterer to prepare extra meals in case the family does show up.  That way you’re covered and they have something to eat.  And if they don’t show up, you’re only out $50/pp or whatever your meal cost is.  Do you think that’s reasonable?

It’s what we did with my wedding.  My DH’s best friend was in the military and had no idea if he could make it to the wedding or not.  We just paid to have food there for him in case he did, which he didn’t.  At the end of the day, $50 didn’t mean anything to us if it meant even the possibility that his friend would be taken care of.

In your situation, I would do whatever my FI wanted to do.  If he wants to cut them out, then he can choose to do that by himself and then you can support him.  If he wants to keep the lines of communication open in case his family has a change of heart, I would support him in that.  Good luck!  I hope this all works out for you two.  Family drama is the worst.

Post # 3
Member
41 posts
Newbee

If it was anyone other than your FI parents, I would agree about putting your foot down. If your FI wanted to draw the line, than I would follow his lead. I only say this because, well, its “his parents”, no other way to actually put it. I completely understand why you want to, and it seems they are not great people if they offered your FI cash to call off the wedding and I def. would not want to deal with people like that, EVER. But, i would still leave it up to your FI to actually put his foot down with them. 

I also agree that neither of you should have to deal with the stress, if it was me, I would mark them as YES, and just pay for their meal in case they do show up, annoying and potentially wasteful, but in the long run, it gets the “stress” out of the way and they wouldn’t be able to turn it against you down the road (for example: “we wanted to come, but you wouldnt let us etc).

Post # 4
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Beach

Let it go. Order the 2 extra meals and don’t say another word about it. Let them know if they come they are taken care of meal wise. They are trying to turn this into a pissing contest, don’t let them. As we say in the south “smile and wave” way doing this, you know in your heart you have made every effort and down the road I promise you it will make a difference to you FI. Good Luck sweetie, it’s a tough spot to be in.

Post # 5
Member
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

future.mrs.koban: This is a sucky situation to be in. My advice, like pps, is to not stoop to their level. It seems you’ve taken the high road thus far with these people. I would continue to do so. Assume they will come and go ahead and add those meals. It’s going to make them look absolutely horrible to not attend their son’s wedding, but let them do that work themselves, don’t add to it as hard as it must be to deal with time and time again (with you do NOT deserve).  

May I ask…why are they so against you? 

  

Post # 6
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Plan on them coming and leave the door open for them to do so. You have to be strategic here! If you take them off the list, then you are giving them ammunition……it will be turned around on you. However, if you include them in the guest count, the ball will be in their court. If they decide not to attend, it will be on them and NOT you. Take a deep breath and “kill it with kindness.”

Post # 8
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not draw a line in the sand, given that it’s his parents. Anyone else, line away, but it’s his parents. If they won’t give you an answer then I would just make sure there is space for them, if they decide to come. Caterers should be able to accomodate a couple extra place settings. Plus, you may have no-shows, so this could balance them out. Don’t stress. Don’t expect them. Don’t put them in the ceremony. Try not to focus on it, if they don’t come, but welcome them if they do come. 

Post # 10
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

future.mrs.koban:  I smiled at the “sneak it back into your purse when you’re not looking” thing.  My mom does the exact same thing!

I think you’re going about this the right way.  I’d say whether they show up or not, do something special for your dad anyway.  And if there’s any areas where you can cut costs (less flowers, cheaper menu item, etc), I would make a change to save him money.  It’s so nice that he’s offered to do this for you.  I would want to make it up to him somehow.

Post # 11
Member
4030 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

future.mrs.koban:  Jesus, that’s insane! I think you’re right about seeing you as taking him “away” from them. Honestly, I highly doubt they would be happy or polite to any other woman by the way they are acting. Just remember, they are making themselves look incredibly foolish and immature. Keep to the high road. Good luck!

ETA: Oh, and I give your FI major props for how he’s handling this. It can’t be easy, but I respect that he has your back completely and is standing firm against his parents’ childish ways. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  KatiePi.
Post # 12
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Oh wow, I just read your update.  And this petty reason is why they won’t attend their son’s wedding??!  What crazy people.

Here’s what I’d do.  I’d write a very heartfelt, handwritten apology to his parents and mail it to them.  Don’t make excuses about they were late and they didn’t call.  Just take the blame.  Say you should have shown them more respect and you honestly didn’t mean to offend them at all.  Say you hope you can make it up to them and show them how important they really are to you and FI and how much you do respect them.  Maybe add something about how you’d want your kids to know their grandparents.  I would think a heartfelt letter like that would fix the whole situation.  Especially if they think about how cutting their son out will also cut out future grandchildren, they might rethink their approach.  If they STILL reject you, then they are just plain crazy people.

Post # 15
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Aicarumba.  Well then there’s nothing left you can do.  Maybe since it worked for them before, they think this behavior will work again.  Just support your FI and try and focus on the two of you.  Don’t let these people ruin your day or your life.  I’m so sorry.  🙁

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors