In law(s) you can't stand?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@AlmostHisWife:  Me! My FMIL is selfish and expects everyone to drop everything for her but won’t do the same in return. She doesn’t show much interest in SO and mostly just calls him if she wants or needs something. For example she once called him and asked him to employ her girlfriend’s son (who is a bit of a deadbeat, thanks no) but he hadnt heard of her for weeks beforehand. Or she didnt come to SO’s 30th birthday for no proper reason… Or “accidentley” didn’t invite me to her birthday…

My FFIL is nicer but he is super socially akward. I think he has no filters and lacks “social norms”. It’s not okay to have asked me if my parents rent or own their place at the first time meeting me! In Germany, talking about money is considered rude, I don’t even know that kind of information about the parents of my best friends. Or he always wants his children to invite him and his girlfriend (SOs parents are seperated), like he puts you on the spot saying something like “me and xx really want to come to dinner to your place next week.” rather than waiting to be invited (and we would invite them but on our own terms). He once told me that our bathroom was dirty! Thanks, none of your business… Still, I do actually like him cause I know that he means no harm and is just socially inept.

FBIL #1 (SO has 5 more siblings) told my SO that I had ordered him to stop spending time with SO because I would want to spend all SOs free time with him. Thing is, at this point I had maybe exchanged a few words with FBIL #1 aside from the fact that I would not said such a thing! SO was torn whom to believe; his girlfriend of then about 3 months or his brother… It was horrible as I kept repeating that I did NOT say such a thing to FBIL #1 and had no reason to. After a lot of digging FBIL #1 finally admitted that I had NEVER said such a thing to him BUT (here comes the BUT, the über-crazy BUT!!) had told him that with my eyes!! Yes, you read that right: Apparently I had given FBIL #1 a look which told him that I wanted him to back off SO so I could spend more time with SO.

FBIL #2 dated a mentally unstable woman for about 5 years who almost destroyed him with her repeated suicide attempts, tantrums, self-harming, cheating etc. He had a real hard time with her but she was seriously ill and could not help herself much (aside from the fact that she decided to stop seeing a therapist and stopped taking her medicine). Anyways, I would not call myself mentally unstable but I do have a mild form of anxiety disorder and had a full-blown panick attack a few weeks ago. As I didnt know it was a panik attack (never had one before) I thought it was a heart attack and ended in ER. FBIL #2 heard about this and told SO to break up with me because mentally ill women would never get better and he would dodge a bullet if he were to break up with me.

My FSIL #1 is the worst pain in the ass though!! I shudder thinking about her…. 🙁 She is a rude, indulged person who is extremely jealous of all her brother’s girlfriends.  She is the youngest of six children and has suffered servere eating disorders growing up. Hence, everyone tiptoes around her and she cannot do any wrong. She is a pretty girl but she is so damn bitter and mean that it makes her less pretty. She always makes passive aggressive comments towards me and sometimes is downright RUDE! Examples? “I like your new glasses, the old ones were really ugly”. “It is a huge mistake that my brother let’s you chose the decoration of your place!” (She has not even seen our new place once!), “Me and my boyfriend thought you were a really dull, boring person at first but now we don’t think you are that boring anymore.” (Keep that to yourself, who says stuff like that?). So far I have always just swallowed it down and didnt say anything back… Most of the times her insults are so subtle that one can not really retell them but they are definately meant to hurt me. She does the same thing to her brothers other girlfriends. That’s why one of them wants nothing to do with her anymore… FSIL #1 also always badmouths her brothers’ girlfriends in front of the family when they are not arround. She is so rude! I know she is probably mean because she is insecure and has her own problems but that does not justify her behaviour…

How do I deal with it? Not well… Frown SOs other siblings are nice but the ones who aren’t make me not wanting to spend any time with his family. What I do at the moment is not to go to any family events of his at all. My new “rule” is that I don’t want to see SO’s family more often that I see my own family… SO backs me up fortunately and says he understands even though he thinks it is a pitty. I just don’t want to see them! For important occasions I will be there but not for their biweekly family dinners. When I see them I am just nice, really nice…

Post # 4
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

My problems really only focus on my MIL and my SILs (for clarity, my husband’s sister and my brother’s wife).

My mother-in-law is pushy, enjoys giving unsolicited advice ’round the clock, enjoys meddling, likes to debate and likes to start arguments. My first foray into this nonsense was when I unwittingly discovered what could have been part of my husband’s long-gone family tree and posted it to Facebook for some of his family to see, asking if the family had been in a particular area around 1800.

MIL’s brother-in-law, my FIL’s sister’s husband, responded and started telling me some stuff about the family. Apparently there’s some *Huge* drama on my FIL’s side of the family with several of his half-siblings, whom he hasn’t spoken to in years. But the BIL wasn’t telling me anything that bad – just “there was this kid, he died in an auto accident.” So of course MIL comes in like a raging bitch and starts cussing him out, telling him not to spread the family’s “business.” Keep in mind neither of these people are blood-related to my FIL’s side of the family.

I just deleted the whole thing, then had to face messages from both of them about how “sorry” they were, all the while insulting the other person. I couldn’t believe the immaturity and cattiness.

There have been numerous other times. MIL turned the knife as I was waiting, telling me that I was “dating too long” to have a successful marriage. I tried going to the gym with her to bond, feeling it my duty as her future daughter-in-law, and quickly found we were polar opposites. I felt like she was constantly grilling me on ANYTHING I posted on Facebook or looking for holes in anything I had to say.  “I saw that you’re thinking about moving for a job. What does THAT mean?” i.e., “You’re breaking up with my son, aren’t you?!”

Of course there were the times she invited my husband over behind my back, ostensibly to show him what I was ‘up to,’ something he was already aware of.

She also liked doling out that wonderful advice. As her daughter was TTC, I mentioned that I thought I was never going to be an aunt – that my brother would never have kids. She misheard and snapped back at me, “You need to be married at least a few years before you even think about having kids.” I was horrified, but so uncomfortable I didn’t want to correct her. I just shut my mouth and looked away. I couldn’t believe she thought she could tell *me* what to do with my life.

She’s done numerous other things like that. Honestly, my best method of dealing with her was basically to shield her from anything I say on Facebook – at all. I also don’t say anything personal – at all. I made the mistake of getting too close to this woman in the past, and it bit me in the ol’ rear end. We barely know each other now and I’m very happy with that. I have no intention of getting to know her better. As it is, I skip out on about half of all the get-togethers my husband has with her, citing work or some other lame excuse.

To which she then gets on Facebook and makes posts about how she had an outing with her son, and I didn’t come. She phrases it more nicely than that, but I get the message loud and clear. Bitch.

My husband’s sister is no cakewalk either. She’s a lot like her mother…the advice. She comes to my house, starts going through our fridge, our cupboards, and gives me friendly ‘advice’ on what I can do differently. I love telling the story of how she picked up garlic salt and told me her family doesn’t use it, as it’s “high in sodium” (yes, please laugh).

I had to stare at her with a straight face, which is possibly a qualifier for an Academy Award. Then she’s come in and said, “Oh no, you SHOULDN’T use this…my husband told me about x, which saves us money.” I’m not that cash-strapped that I need to overanalyze my every purchase, lady. Move on.

My husband used to be bad for this as well, but they also have to be very precise when they correct you. It’s okay if they aren’t precise – in fact you can tell they’re furious if you dare say anything to them – but if I were to say, “X is 5 miles away,” she would seriously respond, “Oh no, it’s 5.25 miles away.” x.x

Every opinion that comes out of her mouth begins with, “My husband…” It’s both funny and sad. Her husband is a jerk and I can’t stand him. But I’ve never seen a person who has *less* of a mind of her own.

I really just see that SIL as a little girl – one not very intelligent – who depends on everyone else to tell her what to do. She then goes to others like a bully and tries to play it off like they’re her ideas so she can feel ‘big.’ I think I give her a power trip – I’m a new wife and eventually going to be a new mother, whereas she’s a “seasoned professional.”

 

 

Post # 5
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@AlmostHisWife:  “ My FI asked me to talk to his mom to settle things.”

Um what? It’s almost a law that your spouse deals with his/her parents and vice versa. Your FI wants you and his mother to work it out but he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to stop his mother from wreaking havoc.

Post # 7
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh yes. My FIL is a stubborn jerk that thinks women cannot do anything And ahould just ne houswwives, Which i am totally not. My 24 year old BIL acts like a bratty teenager and feels that he is entitled to everything and shouldn’t have to do anything. My FIL gives everything to BIL but not to DH Even though they are twins. It was a blessing in disguise though. dH is nothing like his family, thank god. My ex-step MIL is something else. 50% of the time she really is trying to be sweet but the other 50% of her is rude, over the line, and annoying. FIL and her met, married and divorced I while DH and I were dating. The divorce was nasty and they would try to pit DH and myself against each other. We had a few fights about it before we finally realized that we don’t give a fu*k about their problems and they shouldn’t be telling us them anyway. We straight up told them that we weren’t part of their fight and to leave us out of it 100%. They were hurt that we didn’t care. Whatever. Also, BIL spent the ride to the wedding trying to seriously talk DH out of marrying me and the ex step MIL won’t change back her last name to her maiden because the married name is well known and she doesn’t want to lose the recongition. She asks me if people ask me about it all the time and I tell her that I don’t flaunt it so they wouldn’t even know. She was also hurt by this. Oh and BIL stole a necklace DH gave me (first necklace ever from him and he saved up to buy it for me)and gave it to his gf. dH almost physically faught him over it. 

Post # 8
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

FIL: Racist, homophobic control freak that constantly puts my husband down and I’ve never heard FIL say anything positive about my husband. Every conversation with FIL turns into a lecture from him on how we should live our lives, a guilt trip for us not visiting enough, or just putting husband down and teasing him. He’s tried starting on me a few times – I just hang up on him, or make a joke to deflect whatever he’s getting worked up about. If he’s lecturing me, I’ll say something like “[Husband] and I have talked it over and we know how we’re going to handle it.”

MIL: Nowhere near as bad as FIL – she got very stressed over wedding stuff which really frustrated me, but for the most part, she’s great. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve really got anything in common with her – I can chat with her, but it always feels like talking to an acquaintance that I barely know.

FIL’s brothers: Incredibly racist and homophobic. I also have issues with their parenting strategies, as they all seem to feel it’s appropriate to put their children down on a regular basis. Still, my contact with them is fairly limited. They also pick on husband for not visiting enough, yet they have never visited us at our house! We live just as far from them as they do from us….

 

Ultimately, the only control I have over their behaviour is my reaction to it and what they do in my home. So like I said with FIL – I’ll redirect the conversation, say “Husband and I have discussed it (implying anything FIL says is unnecessary),” make a joke out of it, or just leave/hang up if it’s something that is aggressive towards me. Husband just ignores FIL, which is really frustrating, because I’d rather stand up and tell him what a dick he sounds like, but it’s Husband’s call.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors