In need of advice

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you accept the ring?
    Accept the ring but don't wear it : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Accept the ring and wear it : (25 votes)
    52 %
    Don't accept the ring : (13 votes)
    27 %
    Cancel the engagement : (9 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 2
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2020

    Personally, I don’t believe in bad juju from jewelry, though I guess that’s your choice if you do. I do think, however, that it’s reasonable for him to need more time if he has to buy you a new ring. Even if he has the money now, it’s still a process to pick one out, get the right sizing, place the order, pick the stone, etc.

    Have you seen his mother’s ring? You never know–you may love it! Would you consider using the stone? Or do you definitely not want a diamond?

    Post # 4
    1970 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Personally I wouldn’t want a to wear my MILs ring from a failed marriage either.  

    I think you need to suggest going ring shopping with him to pick the ring you want, see what they cost etc.  Then you can suggest various options to keep it in budget, either a cheaper ring or paying half. His reaction to this will let you know if “can’t afford it” was just an excuse to delay engagement and then you have all the info you need to decide if you want to stay or not.

    I think the “we are engaged but you can’t tell anyone” to be incredibly manipulative. 

    Post # 5
    792 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Your desire to start fresh with a new ring rather than one with his mother’s history makes sense to me. Since you mentioned believing “marriage is a mutual decision,” why not offer to pay for part of the ring? If you prefer a gemstone then it shouldn’t be too hard for both of you to save up, it’s not like you’re asking for a 3 carat diamond or something. 

    Post # 6
    4937 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    coffeanddonuts :   I think you both need to work on communication.  Identify what is important to you, articulate it, and where it doesn’t match up, compromise.    

    Post # 7
    3321 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    You keep saying that you want mutual decisions, but you really just want to make the decisions, because you’re bulldozing his feelings. 

    Post # 8
    98 posts
    Worker bee

    If you have to withhold the fact that you’re engaged, then you’re not engaged.

    At the end of the day, it’s really just a label anyway. All that really counts if you’re engaged is if you’re planning to get married; if he asked you, it doesn’t matter if you have a ring or not. You’re engaged.

    I do think you need to work on communication. I think it is unfair of you to think he just has the money for the ring you want; he gets to spend his money how he wants to, not how you dictate it because you want the ring you want when you want it.


    Post # 9
    1365 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think you two need to work on communication and resolve this on your own. If you can’t figure out how to communicate well, don’t get married. 

    Post # 10
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Just logically here: diamonds are made of carbon. Some sort of animal died, maybe it’s head was ripped off, really tragic death. Then that head and grass it bled all over got compressed millions of years and turned into a pretty diamond. So any diamond you put on your finger can have a horrific past. Heck, don’t even get me started on blood diamonds… Look, the ring exists so by not being a consumer demanding another one get made it helps stop the violence. This is why I support buying used rings.

    So when it comes down to it- who cares if it was a bad marriage? Don’t let that diamond waste away in vain. Love that diamond and be grateful for all the suffering that went into it’s existence. 

    Post # 11
    532 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    yupmarried :  LOL this is fabulous. 

    Bee, perhaps he could have his mother’s diamond reset in a new ring? You can pick out the style together. The diamond still represents the love his parents have for their son, and his mother is passing on her love for her son to you. 

    Post # 13
    1198 posts
    Bumble bee

    Sounds like the 2 of you are not on the same page.  You see the process of getting engaged as a mutual decision where you jointly choose a ring (albiet it sounds like you would prefer to essentially pick out the ring).  

    He doesn’t seem to think it’s a mutual process or that you should get any say in the ring. And sounds like he values the idea of surprising you with some planned proposal.  

    To my mind, this isn’t just about jewelry. It’s about how you make decisions as a couple.  

    Post # 15
    1163 posts
    Bumble bee

    I wouldn’t want his mom’s ring. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to look at your ring everyday and think of his parent’s failed marriage. Just give him some time to find a new ring.

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