Post # 1
Something happened today that I didn’t expect. SO and I joked about prenups, and I brought up that I’d be buying his wedding band. He first asked me if he “had” to wear it, he hates rings. And I said yes, you do. It’s a social symbol that says you are in a marriage. I would never dream of not wearing mine, unless it was for practical reasons. His defense was that his father never wore his. But his father is from the old country, and they normally don’t.
We resolved it. After he saw how upset I was, he let me know that we could pick out one that was small and lightweight. I also informed him I made a decision on a different type of ring I’d like, and he said it wasn’t my decision. He then brushed it all off and said I had more important things to worry about, that he wouldn’t remember, and that it was a long time away.
It is true that I will be going to college next summer or fall, for an unknown degree in an unknown field. But SO knows that college is not the most important thing for me, and that relationships always are. I lead more of a spiritual life, and I make money. My career will never be my driving force. However, all of this talk from him about how the next 4-6 years are going to be rough (though somewhere in between this time, he sees us married and with kids towards the end), and how I have to WAIT, and the insinuation that things are a “long time away” or “far in the future” is making me upset.
And I don’t know why. Shouldn’t I just be happy to be in a relationship? Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you still talk about these things without having that reaction?
Post # 3
I was in a relationship with my now-husband for 7 years. We both waited until we were finished with our Bachelor’s degrees to get married and the practical choice was to get married before I moved away to attend graduate school several hours from home.
Believe me, I know how difficult the waiting is. But you don’t want to rush him to propose until he feels ready, do you? We had several discussions over the years regarding what time would feel “right”, but I never tried to pressure or persuade him to propose until he felt ready. Don’t worry about the ring itself.. What is truly more important to you? Having the exact ring you want, or being connected to this man for the rest of your life? The ring is a symbol of love and devotion to you, and it is the meaning behind the ring that is more important.
Post # 4
Hmmm. Do you think he is as supportive of you going back to school, as you’d like, or as he says he is? When he said it’s a long way away, did he sound irritated by that? As if to say, “That sucks. It’s a long ways away. We have to wait until you are done with school”
Do you think when he says it’s a long way away because he’s not ready yet, to get engaged?
4-6 years does seem like a long time to wait. Although in some circumstances I can see why. I don’t think someone has to be done with school to get married. But I can see why it is easier to make it so.
When do you see yourself getting married? Maybe you should just focus on getting started with school, and let the whole marriage talk rest for a while. Your SO is right, you do have other things to think about right now. Maybe you can revisit the marriage thing later. You’ll have a better idea of your work load etc. And you two can discuss the logistics of getting married sooner rahter than later.
Post # 5
Is it at all possible that he just thinks having your input on the ring will make it less special? My bf did the same kind of thing. I told him about a year ago that I thought we should go ring shopping because I thought we might be married some day and it would be a good time bc we were not yet ready (and thus we wouldn’t ruin the surprise by shopping once we were ready). He said absolutely not. I let it drop.
A year later and he still doesn’t want to ring shop…… because he already enlisted my best friend to help him pick a ring she knows i’d love. 🙂
If that is not the case… I guess you just have to decide if he’s worth the wait. Guys can be slow. It sucks.
Post # 6
It sounds relatively reasonable to me, depending on how long you’ve already dated. There are lots of guys who don’t want to be married until their half finishes college (of course depending on how old he is). It’s sort of that whole “finish what you start” kind of thing and there are lots of guys out there (and i feel really bad saying this–but i hear this from my coworkers who are all college-educated) that they couldn’t see themselves with a woman who doesn’t have an education, either (granted these guys are all quite educated engineers with phDs so i guess that makes sense??). Maybe he just wants you to strive for it?
As for the ring, maybe he just doesn’t want to give your hopes up yet if he sees you guys getting married in the next 4-6 years. You could talk about getting engaged in 2 years…2 year engagement, tada! That’s not really so bad.
I have lots of guys at work who don’t wear their wedding rings–they all work with their hands A LOT and neither did my dad.
And I don’t think it’s unexpected to have that reaction that you are having. You guys both obviously are on different pages time-wise and you’re straightening it out. Maybe there are more topics to discuss before you get engaged?
Post # 7
I have a feeling SO tells me these things to throw me off. He did the same thing when he got excited talking about what type of ring I’d like originally and how I would like a proposal, and when he saw that riciprocated he sternly (with a smile) reminded me that it was a “long way off”. I suppose I’m more bothered by my reaction of waiting. I have no reason to be, he is the love of my life and treats me like a queen. And I treat him just as well.
But I suppose this wistful daydreaming makes me think, oh snap, what if he’s serious and it is a LONG WAY OFF, what if he really thinks I can’t *handle* a 2 year engagement while in school?
Oh well. 🙂 Thank you for the advice! He does this often, the gushing about various things wedding and marriage related… and then the pull back.
Post # 8
My FI starting doing this about 8 months before the proposal!!!
I can’t promise you that he is doing the same thing – but he could be!