In need of some advice please

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

hegetsme:  I’m sorry for what you are going through.  I think I would be angry too.  Perhaps you two can go to counseling? Or go to counseling for yourself.  Hugs.  

Post # 4
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m so sorry…. I’m not sure what kind of advice to give here.  Maybe an intervention?  Couples therapy?

My SO knew that if we had any future together that he would have to quit smoking.  I watched my grandmother go from being so happy to see me, to not knowing who I am, to in a coma in less than 3 weeks, eventually dying from terminal cancer.  This is NOT something I want to see nor do I want my kids to see.  He’s been addicted to nicotine/tobacco since the age of 14 and suffers from anxiety (largely hereditary), so it’s really not easy for him to quit.  He’s actually stopped smoking altogether.  He NEVER smells like cigarette smoke anymore… it was one of the criteria of us geting engaged, and the proposal is just around the corner.  However, he’s still chewing.  We need to find something to ween him off, he knows it too.

Coworkers are the worst.  Even when my SO “stopped smoking” a year and a half ago, he was smoking at work a few times a week because his coworkers give him cigarettes.  It’s up to him.  He needs to change his environment and have more control over his decisions.

Post # 5
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!  It’s tough to watch your loved ones just deteriorate.  I would sit him down (maybe with a counselor/therapist) and explain to him how upsetting it is to see him not take care of himself.  I would also stress how much stress it’s adding to your marriage and your home life.  

Post # 9
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I can only imagine how frustrating this is. I would have all the same feelings as you if I were in the same situation. I am very proactive when it comes to my health so I have a hard time finding compassion for those who do the exact opposite knowing what the outcome will be. Do you think your husband could be a little depressed from the whole situation? my dad had a heart attack years ago and did a complete 180 when it came to diet and exercise and has stuck to his strict diet 80% of the time for the past 8 years. I think at first he was a little depressed feeling like his body had failed him. Though I think hi fear of it ahppening again kicked hi butt into high gear becasue it took him 3 years to even have a bite of red meat! Give it a little time and maybe suggest he speak to someone. I hope his meetings with his Dr and nutrituionist go well and they don’t cut him any slack. My thought are with you, this is a hard boat to sail!

 

Post # 11
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

hegetsme:  It’s tough to hear this from your DH.  You’re only saying these things for his own health – not yours!  I’m glad you’re going to see a therapist for yourself.  It might help bring some clarity on how to approach your DH.  Maybe once that he sees you’re taking care of yourself, he’ll want to make an effort to? 

Post # 13
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

Have you considered getting him a vapourizer/e-cig to try? I know they’re a bit controversial but overall they seem like a good alternative. They’re safer than cigarettes and eliminate a lot of the “bad” while keeping the act/habit that they’re used to. I’m sure it’s hard for your husband to quit and he’s probaly very stressed about his health and it’s a familar way for him to releive stress (even if it’s the cause!) I think a lot of people have success switching to them.  I have some friends who have switched and if you need some help/advice i’d be happy to ask them for brand recommendations. 

Here’s an article with some good info if you’re not familar. 

http://www.engadget.com/2014/05/23/vaporizers-explainer/ 

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

hegetsme:  I understand where you’re coming from and I can tell you are really worried about his health. This must be so frustrating. Try approaching him with a calm, caring attitude rather than criticizing him. Encourage him to stop smoking again and help him figure out a plan and steps he can take to stop smoking. I think he feels like he’s being judged by you rather than loved unconditionally. Ask him what he needs from you.

I’d hold off on the house until you guys are speaking like normal adults again.

Post # 15
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Here’s the thing: I get that you’re upset and angry, and I don’t deny that you have every right to be. But clearly that approach isn’t working, because all it’s done is get his back up. Now he’s on the defensive, and you continuing to be angry with him is only proving his point that you’re a mean nag.

It is not up to his co-workers, employees, or family to make sure he doesn’t smoke, it’s up to him. They can be a support system, but he has to want it himself.

Maybe ask your therapist for different ways to approach him about this? You have valid concerns and fears, but the way you’re presenting them are clearly not going through, either because he’s too scared and defensive to hear them, or because he just doesn’t care.

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