(Closed) In need of some fresh eyes and insight

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Wow, I’m sorry to hear that this is happening. Honestly, I think she is being selfish. It’s fine that she doesn’t want to get married but she should NOT expect you to give her a ring. That’s just greedy and in my mind ridiculous.

Maybe because she’s already been divorced twice, she is scared of marriage. Have you suggested councilling? If she has fallen in love with you, she needs to trust you and realize that just because her marriages didn’t work out, doesn’t mean it will be the same with you.

I hope it all works out the best for you.

Post # 4
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well…I guess I need a little more info.  Why does she refuse to marry you?

I know you love her, but don’t really understand why you continue to pursue someone who clearly isn’t that into you. 

I will say that it’s silly for both of you to throw away a relationship over a piece of jewelry.

Post # 5
335 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, what’s the point of a proposal/ring if you’re not gettnig married? I wouldn’t do it unless you just want to give it to her as an anniversary gift or something.

Post # 6
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

She’s twice divorced so I can understand her apprehension about marrying a third time.

She doesn’t want to marry anyone ever – or she doesn’t want to marry YOU?

Does she just want a commitment ring?

Post # 7
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.  I agree with previous posters, she may be wary having been divorced twice before, counseling might help.  But as it stands, I think it makes sense for you to not give her the ring/propose if she is adamant about not marrying you.

Post # 8
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@CunfusedGuyMN:  From the info you’ve given us, my first impression is that asking you to propose and give her a ring but refusing to follow through and marry you makes her seem selfish and materialistic. It makes it sound like all she wants is the bling, which isn’t fair to you at all.

Post # 9
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@CunfusedGuyMN:   I’m a little confused as to why she wants an engagement ring but has already told you she does not want to marry you.  ??  Does she have an answer as to why she wants the ring and a proposal?  Just to say NO to you and give back the ring? 

It doesn’t make sense to me. 

Unless – * Maybe * she’s thinking if you asked her to marry you and offered her the ring she may change her mind and say YES?  Maybe she wants to know what her gut would tell her if you really asked; maybe her refusal was just a smokescreen and deep down she really does want to marry you.

Post # 11
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am so confused! I don’t know why she is acting that way unless she just wants the ring…. which is messed up!

Post # 12
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Here is my take on it FWIW.

There are so many possible things going on here that I think you need to have a serious conversation.

1. Does she want the ring as a comitment and to show she is commited to someone?

2. Is there a possibility she is reconsidering marriage?

3. Does she just want the ring ( this might not be it since she wants to “move forward’)

I think you need to figure out which of these things is is and go from there. If she really wants to “move forward” maybe she just wants to take things slow. I dont know how long you have been dating but this could be a posiblity. If she told you she would never marry again was this right after her divorce? Sometimes we as women change our minds. LOL.

Maybe she is realizing she has a good guy and that she is asking a lot from you to not have kids or grt married.

Post # 13
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with other posters, she is probably scared of marriage in general. With that being said, I don’t think it’s fair for her to get the ring with no intention of marriage. It does sound a bit selfish. Also, it saddens me because she is probably just wanting it because it is a pretty piece of jewelry.

You sound like a really nice guy, and it’s clear that you really care about her. I hope she comes around. 

Post # 14
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yikes, she sounds confused. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I feel like I need more information. Why would someone get engaged without the intent to be married? Has she given you any insight into that? 

Post # 15
54 posts
Worker bee

I can understand apprehension on her behalf, no doubt. I’m divorced as well and while Mr. E and I were just friends, I was very, very, VERY (did I stress VERY) against getting married again. I said something to the effect of “I’ll shack up til I’m 80 but no one is ever getting a ring on this finger again!”

I was adamant. Oh, but how the tides have turned. Since Mr. E and I began our romantic relationship, he has changed my mind and it didn’t take some valiant effort either. All it took was him saying that he knew I was “anti-marriage” when this started, but still wanted to be with me. I remember him saying “Never??!!!”… he was in love before we even began dating (and I love him so for that). 

No one wants a repeat of a bad situation. I wouldn’t want a repeat of my marriage to my ex. It was horrifying toward the end and really had me questioning my sanity. Seriously. Of course I was gun shy – and still am, a little bit. I have every right to be nervous I believe. But I also believe in us and how strong and wonderful our love is. Now, I’m excited to be his wife in the future. 


Now, as far as her wanting the ring any way? Pardon my lack of eloquence but oh, hell no. 

You bought that ring with the intent that if she ever did come around, you would be able to propose. 

It is an engagement ring. Not a commitment ring. I’m with the previous poster – it seems greedy. 

I admire your tenacity. It takes strength to stand your ground as well you should. If marriage is something you want, and you have made that clear and she isn’t budging then no, no ring. It would be wrong of her to accept it in my opinion, even if you did cave and give it to her. 

If you are satisfied with the relationship as is and happy to continue it, I would say do your best to salvage it, but return that piece of jewelry to the store and take the (now seeming pressure) off the table. If she doesn’t come back with the understanding that there’s not going to be a ring without a proposal that would be genuinely accepted, and won’t come back because you won’t just give her the ring, I’m sorry love, but something is amiss and you may be better off letting this one go. 

Post # 16
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I dont understand…she wont marry you but wants you to propose. I know that when I got divorced I said I would never marry again but that was just because I was hurting but when I fell in love again it all changed. 

I think it is sad that she is hurting you this way and so many woman on here want nothing more then to marry the man they are with but he wont propose.  

On the other hand, if you are ok with just being her boyfriend or fiance for ever, then give her the ring. Either way you want her so does it make a difference. 

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