Weddingbee boards

I'm not new here, I just created a new account so I can post this without people I know figuring all this out. I'm sorry this is really long, but I feel like I'm slowly going insane keeping all this to myself and just a few members of my family. I basically have no one I can talk to to get this out, so I didn't know what else to do other than post on here. I've noticed a lot of you give some really great advice and I guess it'll just make me feel somewhat better just to talk to someone. So here's the issue.

My SO has been in jail since early September, for ridiculous reasons, and we just found out that he may not be even be out by our set wedding date. Basically he was on parole for something stupid he did a few years ago before I even knew him. He never went to prison or anything like that, just shock camp for 3 months and he's been on parole since. I knew about everything when we got engaged, so it's not like he was hiding anything from me. And it was nothing violent or anything like that, he's really a great guy, just does stupid things when he's drinking (which is why he doesn't drink anymore).

So a few months ago he got in an argument with his sister over her drug issues and how he caught her smoking pot with her kids. She filed an aggravated harassment charge against him, basically just to be a bitch because she knew it would get him in trouble. Since he was on parole, any charges against him counts as police contact and is a parole violation, which could send him to jail. So he got a lawyer and his lawyer told him not to talk to the investigator or anything. He stayed with me for months and didn't report for parole like he normally would because he knew his parole officer would probably violate him over the charge and turn him in. He even spoke to her a couple of times and she told him not to worry about anything because his lawyer told him not to go.

Well about a month after all this started, we attempted to turn him in because we didn't want it to look like he was running and was guilty of anything. He called his parole officer and she told him to just deal with it whenever he felt like it, he called the investigator and he told him to come in in a couple of days, he called the sherriff's department and they told him there wasn't even a warrant out for him and they didn't know what he was talking about. So he came back home with me and he's been really stressed out thinking about all this and we went on planning our wedding. Then last month the US marshalls showed up looking for him and he turned himself in. One of my best friend's and a bridesmaid in my wedding, her father, was with them because he's a parole officer in my area. I was completely mortified when he showed up at my door looking for my SO. I've been through some crappy things in my life, but nothing has ever been so hard as watching my future husband be taken away in handcuffs.

Anyways he's been in jail for about 6 weeks now and we'd been hopeful that he'd just get shock camp and be home in 4-6 months tops, which would be in time for our wedding. The date in this profile is not our real date by the way, I just had to put something. So it's been really tough having him gone and only being able to spend an hour with him twice a week, but I've been keeping busy doing wedding stuff and staying postive that he'd be home soon. Well he had his parole hearing last week, his lawyer didn't show up, and the judge was a complete b****. They made him sign paperwork saying he'd do about a year in prison, instead of offering him shock camp. They wouldn't let him call his lawyer, and she threatened him with his max date of his parole (next December) if he adjourned it until next month. He was afraid to not take what they offered and end up with another couple of months, so he signed it. I couldn't believe it when he told me. I cannot comprehend how they could do that without his lawyer there and why for a stupid parole violation when he even turned himself in. Plus the misdemeanor charges from his sister weren't even taken care of yet. He had court for that today and his lawyer adjourned it because he's trying to get in touch with his sister, to get her to just drop the charges. His lawyer also said that it's crazy how they had him sign paperwork for that much time, and he could get him a much better deal than that. So we're really hopefult that it's going to be much less time, or shock camp, but I can't plan anything. I'm at a complete stand still now with wedding planning, I have no idea when my SO will be home, I can only see him for an hour twice a week, it costs a fortune for him to call me, so I'm spending a ton of money every week just so I can talk to him every night...I'm so stressed out right now.

I don't want to say anything to my friends because none of them knew he was on parole in the first place, and I don't really want everyone I know to know he's in jail right now. Trying to explain his absence is getting really difficult and I'm running out of excuses. I love that my family supports him, but having no one to really talk to about this but my mom is driving me insane. My MOH keeps pushing me to get vendors booked because our date is less than a year out and every time she says something about wedding planning and how behind I am, I wanna flip out. I just don't know what to do. Not sure what I really expect for advice, but I figured it couldn't hurt to write this out and ask.

@mandypop: That's why we tried to turn him in just a little while after his sister filed the charges, I knew it was a bad idea to not report for parole. Nobody was concerned about it when we went there though. His parole officer pretty much told him it wasn't a big deal, the police told him there was no warrant out for him, and the investigator told him not to bother coming in right away. Conveniently the parole judge had no record of any of that happening. She had no idea that he'd previously tried to turn himself in. I want to tell my friends, I really do, I just know how some of them are going to react and I can't just tell some of them and not others. I feel so bad when he calls me at night and he can hear it in my voice that I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make him feel any worse by more people knowing what's going on, obviously he's not proud of it.

@Eva Peron: Our so far guest list is around 115 people. We have a venue already, but nothing else was really set. I've been doing some diy stuff and researching other vendors. We were just so sure he was going to be out in plenty of time for the wedding date to stay the same, and now we know nothing. His lawyer said they won't move him anywhere else until the misdemeanor charge is taken care of, and that he's appealing what he signed last week. He said even if he lets that paperwork get filed and he doesn't appeal it, he could still get offered shock camp when they send him to reception. He's sure he can get him better than that though. I'd be happy with 6 months right now, pretty much anything looks better than what that judge made him sign.

@sugarxcoated: I'm sorry for what you went through, that must've been awful! I've been trying to do as much as possible. My friend's father, who he turned himself in to, put in a good report for him with parole and told them he turned himself in. But they didn't even know that, they knew nothing about his case at the hearing.  I feel pretty helpless. This really sucks because he didn't do anything. What he did in the first place was in 2007, and he already did shock camp for that. It's not like he's some violent criminal, who's a threat to society. His sister is just a trouble maker and doesn't care about anyone but herself. His parents are pretty elderly and his father is in poor health and I'm so worried about him. If anything happens to his father while he's in there, he'll be such a mess. His mother already had a stroke after all of this originally started and his sister got really upset and apologized to her for doing this. Yet she still hasn't bothered to drop the charges or apologize to me or him.

@sugarxcoated: He doesn't plan on ever speaking to her again, which is pretty terrible. I can't even comprehend family doing something like that to each other. I'm not allowed to talk to her, it's a conflict of interest. Her son and their parents have talked to her and she just kind of blew them off. She told them she knew it should have been dealt with in the family, but she still hasn't done anything to try to fix it.

@sugarxcoated: I don't even really know her, which makes it even worse. She'll be my sister-in-law next year and I'll probably never even get to know her. His lawyer doesn't want me or him anywhere near her or her kids. Basically if I talk to her and then she goes and recants her statement and drops the charges, it could look like I did something to threaten her or coerce her into doing it. Most likely you're right, and she's just worried about herself and looking bad for falsely accusing him of something that he didn't even do. At this point he's been talking about us getting married while he's in jail, and not telling anyone but our families, and having our wedding when he gets out. It isn't particularly ideal, but I know it'd make him feel a lot better. I just don't know. I would marry him tomorrow if I could, but I don't want to ruin that moment when he sees me for the first time walking down the aisle.

@Angelz_love: I know, I'm not at all ashamed of him or worry much about what people think of him. It's mostly for him that I haven't said anything to anyone other than some of my family. Obviously my family was going to know something was up, I didn't have much choice in telling them. He really doesn't want anyone to know what's going on. I know he doesn't want to make things weird between him and my friends or me and my friends. He's said more than once that he's not proud of all this and wishes he'd found me a long time ago because he probably never would have gotten into trouble in the first place. I don't want to do anything that's going to upset him and make him feel bad about himself. I've been so torn for the last month, about talking to my MOH and one of my other friends, but I'm so afraid he's going to be embarassed and be upset that I told them.

@Pinksapphire: Holy crap, that's crazy! Well my SO actually did something stupid to get himself into trouble in the first place, and would have been off parole last year if he didn't do something else stupid. Luckily I hadn't met him yet, or I might have killed him lol. Drinking causes nothing but problems for him, he got picked up by a bycicle cop for peeing in the bushes and the cop found out he was on parole and out past curfew. So that's the only reason he was even still on parole, he violated by being out peeing in the bushes past 11pm. Now he no longer drinks, other than a beer here and there with my dad. His sister just did this because he caught her smoking pot with her kids and she figured she'd get him in trouble before he could get her in trouble. The difference is, he never would have taken a family issue like that to the police. Oh and the lawyer told him not to go to the parole meeting because he was trying to keep him out of jail. If he went to his parole officer, she could have taken him in to the jail because of the charges. He actually got sentenced for absconding for those few months, but he was basically told by his lawyer to abscond. Plus the parole officer told him not to worry about it that she wasn't going to anything. It was actually her supervisor that violated him.

@sugarxcoated: I'm definitely not putting a complete halt to planning. I have a few more diy projects I can do. They're going to need to be done regardless of the wedding date moving a couple of months. It's just so hard to not be able to book anything. I was really hoping to meet with a photographer soon, I'm afraid of losing the photographer I want because of not knowing when I can book them for.

This is all just a lot to deal with and I'm trying to hold myself together for him. Seeing him at court today in shackles was just awful and not even being able to hug or kiss him besides. Today was just one of those days where I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the end of the day without completely breaking down and calling someone. I miss him so much and it's killing me not having him here when I go to bed at night.

@ccfwwedding: Thank you :) I feel a little bit better just having posted on here and gotten the thoughts and advice from a few people. We've been hoping to get lucky too, for his sister to just drop the charges and the parole board offer him something much better. I would never leave him during any of this, that's something I could never do. I can't say if I would feel differently if it were a a question of years rather than 8-10 months though. Basically he got stuck with 16 months but because he's previously been to shock camp, he only has to do 2/3 of that and the almost 2 months he's been in comes off of that too. He says they can also give him good time or work release, so we are hoping for anything good to happen. I, like you, occasionally feel very hurt and angry with him for all that we're going through right now, but I know that he never intended get me involved in this and would do anything to fix it. I remind myself that I didn't know him when he was stupid enough to do what he did to get himself into trouble. But every now and then I do think to myself, if only he wasn't so stupid back then, he never would have been on parole, and none of this would have happened. I'm doing my best to stay positive though, that something good will happen soon.

Update for anyone who was wondering what's going on with our situation. Over the weekend his niece asked his mom when he's coming home and she told her that parole wants to send him to prison for almost a year. So his niece  got really upset and said she didn't want that to happen and she wanted her mom to drop the charges so he could come home. She was there the day him and her mom (his sister) got in the argument and she involved her in filing the charges against him. So there was a charge from her and a charge from his sister.

Well his niece wrote out a statement Sunday night, saying that her mom made her do it and she didn't want to press charges against him. She went with his mom to his lawyers office yesterday and dropped the statement off to his secretary. I tried all day to get hold of the lawyer to see if he was filing the appeal and if his niece's statement was good enough to get those charges dropped. He said last week that as long as the charges got dropped, he could get him a much better deal with parole. I couldn't get a hold of him yesterday, or today. I talked to his secretary and she said she'd talk to him and have him call me back. He never did. My SO and I got to see each other today and everything was fine then, he was in a really great mood because of his niece writing that statement.

Now I'm pissed off because he just called me and said that he got his paperwork from parole and they have it on there that he's doing his max (18 months), not the 16 months that they told him. So if he has to do 2/3 of that, minus the time he's been in, he's going to be gone for almost a year! Now he has to call someone tomorrow to see why his paperwork shows that instead of what they told him, and I need to keep trying to get his lawyer on the phone to make sure he appeals it. We're worried now that the paperwork has gone through and the appeal may or may not have been filed, that he's going to end up getting sent to reception on Thursday.

I'm freaking out now because where he is right now is only about an hour away, but where reception is is just over 3 hours! I am so pissed off right now and about to call the bar association on his lawyer, but we can't afford to get him a new one now that we've given this one so much money. I don't know what to do.

@ccfwwedding: Thank you. I just feel like I'm dying inside. He gets worried abour me because he doesn't think I'm taking care of myself. I don't get much of an appetite when I'm stressed out, so I'm not eating right. If I force myself to and then I end up feeling sick. I'm going to call his lawyer as soon as I get up and tell him that he's about to write to the bar association unless he gets this appeal going and keeps him where he is. Maybe that will get him working on it, I doubt he wants to be investigated. I can call my family's lawyer too and see what information he can give me. I wish he could defend him, but he doesn't practice where he is.

@alh5051: I don't know if a public defender can do anything. The public defender had him sign the paperwork in the first place and told him if he thought he could get better he'd have let him adjourn it. I don't know if there's a point to filing an appeal without a lawyer working on it for him. I just don't see a public defender doing much to help him. It's not like they can do anything worse to him though, so I don't know. I'm just so tired of all this. I just want to get married and move away from here.

@Angelz_love: I've been shopping lol. It makes me feel better for a little while, until I realize my fiance can't see the nice new stuff I bought until visiting day. I did start taking some vitamins though, to help make up for my poor diet.

I really didn't think things could get any worse than they already are, but it just seems like things just keep going wrong. I jut got off the phone with my SO's mother, and I cannot stop shaking. His older brother had a massive coronary and died today. I have no idea what to do. He'll be calling me in about 4 hours and he will be able to tell that something is wrong from the sound of my voice. I promised his mother I wouldn't say anything to him yet, because she's afraid of him getting depressed and and shutting down while he's in jail. I know that I can't spend the next 10 months not telling him, and I told her that. I feel like if we wait and tell him when he gets out, it's going to be worse than if we just go ahead and tell him now. His parents are going to Georgia tomorrow to see the rest of the family and deal with the death. They won't be back until the weekend, so I promised his mom that I at least wouldn't say anything while they're gone, but I feel like I need to tell him. How do I do it though, without his mom getting upset that I told him?

@Rubies: Shock incarceration is like a boot camp. Basically nonviolent offenders receive substance abuse treatment, academic education, and other help to promote their reintegration into the community. They have a strict regimen with physical training too. It's a 90 day program I think they offer to all first offenders who are nonviolent. He was really expecting them to send him back there because it was only a technical violation, it's not like he got arrested and sentenced for a new crime or anything.

I'm trying my best to stay sane and all, and I do have a few people I can talk to about everything, but I have been considering counseling. I'm still not sure about hiring a new lawyer though, because money is pretty tight at the moment. It's something I was planning to check into tomorrow.

@LOGAHN1981: Thank you for your prayers. I really hope you're right and everything works out ok in the end.

That was the worst phone call ever. We talked for a few minutes and then I told him and he said he'd call me back in ten minutes then just hung up. I was so nervous and worried about him. He did call back and said that he needed a few minutes to go sit in his room and cry. He's such a mess right now and I wish I could be with him. He's going to ask if he can have a visit tomorrow and if they'll allow him to get out to go to the service. That would be awesome if they would do that. I just feel so bad and so helpless. I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now. Neither of us is going to sleep tonight, I know that :(

@mckernae: Thank you for your thoughts. I thought we'd have more figured out by now, but we're still waiting to find out the exact date he's going to be out. At least the misdemeanor charges will be dropped next week and then things hopefully we'll know more soon after.