Weddingbee boards

I need some advice from a disinterested third party. This might get a little long.

My parents are very religious and I am very stubborn. There has already been a lot of fall-out from my initial decision to move in with my fiance (at the time boyfriend) before getting married. Therefore, he's already not the most popular guy with my parents even though they've mostly gotten over it. Let me give you a sampling of the comments I have heard (through sibs): "They're already commonlaw married, why bother with a ceremony." They also refer to my apartment as a "den of sin" (I hope half-jokingly) and the parents won't visit, although they allow my siblings to.

My fiance supported me for a year while I was attending school. For the past two years, however, he has worked only sporadically, while I have been supporting him, because of illness. His illness has a lot to do with pain and as such it is invisible. The doctors he has been to see have been unable to diagnose him, so we're still in the process of figuring out what's wrong.

Lately, I've been made aware of many derogatory comments about how I could "do so much better" and so on. The truth is that as I am not a saint I get frustrated sometimes too, but I have a firm policy of keeping these thoughts to myself or only sharing them with my fiance. I guess my question for all of you is how would you stave off these kinds of comments (keeping in mind that they haven't been made to my face)? I'm aware it might be impossible, but I welcome any advice, because as you can imagine it's frustrating having people talking behind my back about the most important person in my life.

Thank you for your commiseration and your advice, ladies.

I'd like to speak up for the sibs, ejs4y8. I didn't say so, but they do stick up for my fiance and for myself when these comments come up. They're good people.

I think you're all right about the fact that I should probably be mature and speak up for myself, but after the blowout that happened while I was still living with my parents, in which I wasn't very mature or polite, I think I already said too much. I think they do know what they are saying, Mitla. It is intended to 'shame' me into being good. Unfortunately, that shaming is what distanced me from my religion in the first place. Mitla, your advice about trying not to care echoes what my sib said today over lunch, "It's just the way they are and you have to understand where the comments are coming from."

I felt like I had it all under control after three years, but something new like this seems to bring it all up again for a little while.

Your words have all helped. Good Christians really aren't supposed to judge or make nasty comments. Hypocrisy is a common human trait though, and I bet I display it sometimes too. On a positive note, I do have the support of my sibs and of the fiance's family, despite their own religious beliefs.

That's why they're second-hand comments, cloud. I am a bit of a spitfire and I have a reputation for a sharp tongue. They really wouldn't dare say such things to my face, although Mom does sidle in some passive aggressive comments here and there.

Eloping, I like your advice about staying positive about things. I should work on that. I think that will help. I understand what you mean, that they're trying to protect me, but going about it the wrong way.

Sibs and I usually don't gossip this much, but they're a good place to let off steam, because we all know what the family is like sometimes. If I'm going to fish for such info. I will have to learn to suck it up, or else stop asking.

I think demanding more support (however politely) will only exacerbate the problem. That could just be my avoidance speaking, but we've really had this all out before (not maturely grant you, which I take full responsibility for). My parents will not fully accept us as a couple until we are married and maybe they never will given it won't be in their church, on their terms. One parent is a bit more accepting than the other, but I understand the need to stand behind your spouse, so I won't say anything about their united front. I guess most every other person I speak to, religious or not, finds the whole thing absurd and that comforts me.

I think I need to work most on staying positive myself. I need to support MY S.O., even when it's tough. I think I've shown weakness and they've pounced on it.

Thank you so much for your suggestion. It helps to hear these kinds of ideas. Not sure it's a fit at all, but another thing to think about is nothing but helpful.

Ha, I'd like to say those sorts of things, but it's my family and I am stuck with them. So I mostly vent in private and keep it lighthearted in public. Then again, the latest passive-aggressive comment that happened to my fiance's face I didn't hear. It's probably for the best too!

No, all of these are excellent advice. I am just not sure I am ready for number 3 and 4.

When I'm rational, their comments don't seem so bad. I guess I had the illusion for awhile that it had blown over and the concept that the comments are still going on was a little bit of a shock. I mean, I probably should have added - I see them regularly on visits at their place and we play games and actually have fun and manage to get along all right, fiance included.

I think even a few days out from the information I felt okay about it - not thrilled, you know, but not so horrified. My fiance knows about their complaints and we're able to present a united front against their nonsense, so that makes things much easier.

I think I am scared to even try and approach them about boundaries. First of all, I sort of feel like, from a better objective distance, trying to tell them not to talk about me behind my back is a bit out of line. I do it to them sometimes and I think it's healthier if they do their complaining to others in this case, because I am not prepared to change my lifestyle in the ways they'd like, so I'd really rather they blow off steam in a way I can distance myself from if I care to.

But also, maybe I am just being a great big chicken. I bet I should have a talk with them at some point. I am just too scared to do it! What if it blows the lid off of things again?

Thanks, Jenniphyr and Leafy.

Fortunately the fiance's been feeling great lately. I mean, that doesn't help with figuring out what is wrong, but it's wonderful that he's been well the past few weeks. I think it compounds the problem with people misunderstaing his illness though.

Also, Leafy, some people are that kind of religious people. Honestly, I thought my parents were too. We were very close, actually. I was one of those kids who as a teen got along with them awesomely.

I think that's part of the problem. I did my breaking off from them very late compared to many people. I'm the oldest and I have been a goody goody forever, although I've been expressing my dislike over the Roman Catholic faith I was raised in for a long time. I also have very young siblings comparatively. Several of them are living at home. This is why I don't feel fully justified in telling my parents what to say to them.

I was considering moving out by myself, when I left home for the last time (I've been in and out for years with school, just staying home for the summer), although it didn't make sense to me, for my parents' sake (they would never believe that, I bet). But before I left home my Mom in particular made it into a huge deal and started firing ultimatums at me, telling me I have to get married before I move in with a man. At that point I kind of figured, for the sake of my siblings and myself, it was time to do what I thought was right and best for me instead of living my life for someone who was showing a real lack of respect for me.

What hurts the most is that my parents firmly told me they'd love and support me no matter what, this is when alluding to issues like accidental pregnancy. I believed them. It's hard to accept that was a lie. I shudder to think what would have happened if something more hard had actually occurred in my life.

Really, I'm making it sound like I think of it every day and I don't. It does feel good to get it out like this, though. I'm afraid right after it happened I was a bit of a wreck and told random people from school about it. Ha. But it's been three years. Three years! And I am actually quite okay.

I will try to steel myself to talk to them at some point. I likely need to, especially in light of the fact that the parents haven't met yet and I am scared what sort of insensitive comments could come out. I love my 'rents, but my Mom has always had a problem with blurting things.

My fiance's parents are very religious too and they don't agree with our decisions, but they are still kind and caring with us and they only bring up their beliefs every now and again, mostly gently. They've been great examples of how it is possible to deal gracefully with a difference of opinion with your children. I think though, in my parents' defence, they came by this the hard way , because my fiance was crazy in his youth and they're used to it by now. Hee.