(Closed) In Sickness and In Health

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

if the comments are from your parents i would recommend either talking to them about it, or perhaps even a letter.  let them know that the decision has been made and you would appreciate their support, or at the very lease their silence concerning your relationship.  i’m so sorry they are not more understanding.  it is always hard to deal with your parents’ disapproval.  

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, i’ve had one coworker in particular feel the need to comment (twice now) upon seeing a picture of my FI and I that I can do so much better. Thanks, I know he’s not brad pitt, but who is?!

The problem is that they are talking to your siblings and they’re relaying it to you. Why are they telling you this if they’re letting them say this?! I’d be mad if my parents constantly made derogatory comments about my brother and his girlfriend. I mean, really, get over it at some point. You are an adult. But, that’s neither here nor there. Your siblings need to keep information to themselves, but better yet, they need to start letting your parents know it’s not cool to speak up. So that’d be a start. 

Second of all, I think now that you’re engaged you need to talk to your parents. You have two choices: ignore it all or confront it. I say just tell them that their comments are unnecessary and hurtful. If they have nothing nice to say about you and the man you love (and are marrying, hellooooo), they don’t need to be spouting their mouths off about how disappointed they are in you for being so sinful in your den. I mean, really! My mom insisted on telling everyone I was living with "a friend" when it was my then-bf-now-husband. I told her that she shouldn’t act so embarassed for me b/c it makes her look bad. Explain to your parents that they need to just respect your decision (not bad-mouth it) because you don’t go running around talking bad about them and THEIR beliefs, right? It’s a two-way street. They need to be reminded politely. And since this is all fueled by religion, I bet you could tell them it’s un-Christian like (if they’re Christian, if not, sorry for the assumption on my part) to gossip about someone behind their back. It’s in very poor manners to talk behind someones back in general, especially TO family ABOUT family. In my opinion. If they know how hurtful it is, maybe they will stop. Congrats on the engagement though and kudos for supporting your FI in his sickness. You do’nt need your parents adding stress. 

Post # 5
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I don’t think there’s any religion whose doctrines actively advise you to judge people who disagree with your beliefs, but it’s certainly a trait of many religious people, isn’t it? It’s infuriating!

I don’t have any firsthand advice for you; my mom & stepdad are very religious, and I’m moving in with FH, and they haven’t said a word — and if they did, I don’t care. I respect & love them, and we are close… but we each know our beliefs are different and that’s that. If they did start talking about it, I would listen and then walk away and go back to my life.

This issue will get better as you start to build your new life with your FH and you will care less & less about what they think. It’s advisable to speak to them — they should understand that their comments hurt you and are unnecessary. And they absolutely should not talk like this to you.

The challenge is that often, people think they’re doing you a favor by "shaming" you or making you feel bad about your "sin." The fact that it makes you angry is considered evidence for their point of view. Also, you can’t stop them from talking about you when you’re not there. They believe what they believe.

The best thing to do is to show them, by example, that their comments don’t affect you (because you are confident with your decisions), and that you can have a happy life despite having values that are different than theirs.

Post # 7
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

That is a frustrating situation.  My Fi and I were in a similar situation with his parents.  We moved in together a couple years ago (before we got engaged).  His parent’s gave him this long lecture.. I wont bore you with the details, but it made him not want to have anything to do with them for a while.  They have now come around and support whatever we do… but this did take a long time.  He did have many many talks with them about how they should keep their religious views to themselves since neither of us share them… 

Anyway, I feel your pain.  I think that if you simply have a talk with them.  Tell them how comments made about the two of you have surfaced and were really hurtful, especially since they came from someone who is supposed to show you unconditional love and support no matter what you do.  If things don’t calm down I would simply limit your interactions with them and ask your family members not to share negative comments they hear about you.  If you don’t hear about it maybe you wont be stressed about it.

 

Post # 8
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

a while ago i change jobs and i handed in my resignation before i found a new one.  at some point i just voiced outloud that i was cutting it close as i didnt have a new job locked in yet and my mother starting spouting rubbish about how my FI is the man of the house and how its his job to support his wife and if he cant do that hes not much of a man.  well… considering my mum had ALWAYS worked while i was growing up and my dad and her were migrants to this country plus that fact that my mum would belittle my dad verbally every chance she had i found her comments totally insulting towards my FI and i said to her face that she was no one to judge my FI.

anyways…… if i was you, i would tell your siblings that you dont want to hear any of these comments as they are 2nd hand and hurtful. also, if you are sharing news about your FI’s condition/work ect  to your parents i would not pass on any negatives news.  religous or not, you are their daughter and im guessing they dont want to see you struggle with life/finances ect. im not excusing them but i can see where its coming from

goodluck!

 

Post # 9
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009 - Cathedral of the Sacred Heart & The Jefferson Hotel

I wanted to send some hugs your way from a fellow bride whose dad has been known to refer to our apartment as the "house of sin"! I know he’s mostly joking but its still a little annoying..

In regards to the comments, I think you already know how you really feel. This man is your family now too (or will officially be soon!), and if someone says something to you about him, you should be honest and tell them how their words hurt. I have had people make comments to me about Mr. Cloud (luckily not my family) but I had a coworker who made a comment once about how he didnt make enough money. I’m a pretty blunt person so I looked right at her and said how would you feel if I talked trash about your husband to you? She never said another word. I think if people aren’t respecting you and your choices, make it clear that it bothers you. If you say nothing, they will think their behavior is acceptable.

Good luck with everything, and I hope they figure out whats going on with your fiance soon too!!

Post # 11
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hey there-

I was just kind of wondering if they have considered that your FI may have fibromyalgia? (sp?) One of my very close friends-her husband has it-difficult to diagnose bc there isn’t a test for it, no bloodwork, it’s mostly symptomatic-and it took over a year for them to determine that is what he has. Just a thought.

Hugs and best wishes!

Post # 13
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Personally, I’d probably be snarky to them and say “well, I’m sorry you’ve never loved someone enough to want to care for them when they are ill. I hope nothing ever happens to your spouse or children that puts you in my position”.

That ought to shut them up real fast. 

Post # 15
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

ONash,

I know how hurtful it is to experience this kind of rejection from those who are supposed to love you unconditionally– regardless of how you’ve been to them in the past.  They are supposed to be the grown ups in their relationship with you, and for some reason they are not acting like it.

One thing that I’ve realized over time is that parents see you in a certain way, and it’s very hard to get that image to change over time.  My parents can describe how they’ve perceived me as a rebel *since the day I was born*!  Now can you imagine a helpless newborn as a rebel?  There is little that we (as their children) can do to change that except

1) look elsewhere for acceptance and allow the criticism to roll off your back

2) live your best life

3) treat them with as much softness and kindness as you can muster while still (and this is key) standing your ground and setting your boundaries (ie “I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk to bros and sisters about my relationship”).

4) speak to someone with experience in family counseling to disentangle yourself from their issues, so that their comments don’t bother you so much.

Now maybe this set of suggestions is overkill, but it comes from some personal experience in this realm.  I hope I’m not projecting too much into your case.

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