Post # 1
What do you think about this situation: My fiance’s cousin is marrying his best friend, who is his best man. I think it would be nice of us (since she’s going to be in our lives and I don’t know her real great or hang out with her much as of now) to ask her to be a guest book attendant with my good friend, who is also going to be doing it. We figured it would give her a job during the beginning of the ceremony and she might appreciate the honor. The job consists of handing out programs, setting up our centerpieces, and asking people to sign our coffee table book, that’s it. My fiance thinks she would be offended and think it’s a pity job because ‘everybody’ is in the wedding but her. But she’s his cousin! I just thought I was being nice, trying to include her since I know I’ll be going out to dinner with them all and seeing her a lot in the future. The fiance is going to ask his best man to see how she might react without him mentioning it to her. But I wanted to know what you all think? Would you read it as a pity job or as we’re being nice and making a positive gesture if you were in her situation? I won’t do it if it comes off wrong. I thought I was being generous!
Post # 3
She might appreciate having something to do when her FI is busy with the bridal party.
I’ve been asked and haven’t found it insulting.
Post # 4
I think it depends on the person. Some people really love helping to make the day perfect, in any way they can. Other people will either feel like they’re being asked for free labor, feel awkward about the role (I’d hate having to stand at the back and ask people if they wanted programs, or ask people to sign the guest book), or will feel like it’s a pity role. It’s tough to say w/out knowing her and your community of friends.
Personally, I’m not a fan of asking guests to do a lot of the detail work at a wedding. I feel like people should either be made part of the actual ceremony (wedding party or readings) or should be invited as a guest and be able to enjoy themselves. That said, LOTS of people really want to help out, and are happiest when they feel like they’re contributing, so I realize that my way may leave as many people unhappy as doing it another way.
I’d also be careful about having the friend talk to her about it. Guys tend to have a hard time w/ subtlety in such situations ….
Post # 5
Curious. Is your FI implying her’d like you to ask her to be a BM? Do you think this girl is expecting or hoping to be a BM? I do think you’re nice to try to include her. I think girls can get bent out of shape if they want to be BMs and get offered guestbook. So if she isn’t expecting anything, I don’t think it should be insulting.
With that said, personally if I was asked to do guestbook, I wouldn’t like it. I might not be insulted, but I would probably turn it down. Handing out programs, setting up centerpieces, and standing around asking people to sign a guestbook, (while everyone else can be off mingling with each other) sounds more like work to me. If she’s paying me as a DOC, then I’d consider it.
Post # 6
Honestly, I’d feel like you were asking for free labor. People know how to sign the guest book and can pick up a program, and setting up centerpieces should be for the venue or your DOC to do. Plus, wouldn’t she have to leave early/get there early to get to the venue early to set stuff up? I have to agree with your FI, it does kind of seem like a pity position. Just let her enjoy being a guest.
Post # 7
This girl does not expect to be a bridesmaid. I have already asked girls to be my bridesmaids and the wedding is in 2 months, anyways. We’re going to be there early taking pictures, but needed help with some set up. Otherwise, she literally will be sitting around for 2+ hours while we take pictures before the ceremony even starts. Maybe my one friend is very generous, offering to help any way she can (I did the same for her wedding), which she knows includes giving us a hand with our centerpieces and being helpful. She’s even offered to do food runs already! I am worried that her fiance will not discuss it carefully enough, but that is not my call unfortunately. The fiance wants to feel the situation out first, but I’m becoming skeptical about tact. But I am not sure how she would feel about it. She is getting married a few months after me, so she may acknowledge that sometimes extra help before the ceremony even starts is needed, but sometimes she can be a bia so who knows. Personally I would offer to help, knowing her bridesmaids and family are all busy and that since my fiance is in their wedding, too, I’m just his date that day. Does the timing of our wedding make a little more sense? I didnt want to imply she would be doing behind the scenes work while everyone is hanging out and having fun.
Post # 8
I kind of see what you’re saying. Is the ceremony in the same spot as the reception? As in she would be setting up the centerpieces for the reception, while you were taking pictures, before the ceremony? Would she literally be sitting in a seat for two hours? Or perhaps back at the hotel relaxing? I still think that while she is handing out programs and doing the guestbook, she’s doing work. Then again, if she doesn’t know anyone else, she might feel relieved to do something.
It’s sweet of you to be so willing to help her. Unfortunately, we all don’t think alike. It’s hard for any of us to know if she’d like the job. (I suppose you could papproach it as you want to know she’ll be OK for the time when her FI is busy with you guys. And if she is interested in doing someting to pass the time, you think she’d really hit it off with your friend who will be setting up centerpieces.) But I think if it was me, I would play it by ear. Maybe she wants to take the extra time to take a bath or get a masage?? If she comes with her FI and is literally sitting there bored, while you take pictures, I would advise the genereous friend, who is helping, to go up to her and ask if she’d like to help. At that point, the invitation might be more warmly received.
Post # 9
Yes, the ceremony and reception are at the same place. It’s at an outdoor venue with banquet hall attached. They live like an hour away from the wedding place, so I can’t imagine she would go home, then turn around and come right back, nor take separate cars. I just figured she’d come when he comes. But you’re right, maybe she would forsee that and stay home, then catch a ride with a family member. It feels like it isn’t going to be worth the hassle to try and include her, so maybe I should stop trying so hard and concentrate on other things! This friend of mine is flying in from another state and staying the weekend with my bridesmaid (they are good friends) and her fiance, and since my bridesmaids’ fiance literally knows not a soul except my friend, I’m willing to bet he’d jump at the chance to give her a hand setting things up, too. He’s just that kind of guy and is into weddings. I really know he wouldn’t mind and would probably appreciate not having to make it through that awkward social situation. So, problem solved I guess, lol . If I have to think so hard about this and I don’t know how she’s going to react, she’s probably not a good person to ask. It’s good to know ahead of time that it could be perceived as a negative thing, though, despite my intentions! Maybe we will become good friends in the long run!
Post # 10
Depending on how you set up the guest book station, it can be a really fun job. We put ours in the entryway, on one end of the gift table. We had a wishing tree, rather than a traditional guestbook, and both the guests and the girls we asked to handle the table had a fun time with that. We also had them tape cards to presents (don’t forget to ask someone to do that!) Since the table was in the entryway, they also served as the official greeters, and so got to talk to everyone as they came in.
I don’t think it’s insulting to ask family to help out, but that probably depends on your family. In our family, it’s actually sort of a prestige position – you need a combination of people who actually know the majority of your guests, and can greet them by name and welcome them, so being asked implies that everybody will be happy to see your face first thing when they come in the door. Plus, it’s fun. You get to eye all the presents, see how everybody is dressed, get all the good gossip first thing. You get a corsage, and to arrive early enough to see all the decorations before the guests, and if you’re old enough you
In order to make sure it is fun, and not too much work, it helps to have an adequate number of people. For about 150 guests, we had three girls at the guestbook/gift table. That means that at any time, at least one of them can be chatting with the guests, and they don’t get too busy to have fun.
Post # 11
I personally hate being the guestbook attendant – I don’t like having to sit there and babysit people signing the book. I’d rather be out and about mingling with the guests!
Post # 12
I think its all in the way you ask her. Just give her an easy out so that if she would rather not then she certainly should feel okay saying so. Tell her that its been great getting to know her and you would be honored to have her, along with another good friend, be guest book attendents. It also depends on how common this is in her circle or family. In my family it was often a job given to younger people but I have been to friends wedding where they had friends and relatives do this.
Post # 13
That is kind of tricky. In my previous experiences, these kinds of jobs were more like free labor passed down to family and kids of family friends, not so much a honored position, y’know? I think you should try to get an idea of how she’d like to help, or if she actually wants to help at all. It’d be a bummer for her if she just wanted to mingle with guests and had to do other things during the wedding.
Post # 14
I would think that it e an honor to be a guest book attendant. The guest book attendant guests to be put on one wedding program along with the rest of the party. I still haven’t chosen my guest book attendant. That’s cool that you have.
Post # 15
Being a guestbook attendant is not an honor if you are older than 8 and even then it isn’t a fun job, speaking from tons of experience. Unless the guestbook is extremely complicated, guests will figure it out. Even with the most outgoing guestbook attendant, if someone doesn’t want to sign it, there is nothing you can do to force them. Most of the time, folks would prefer to be a guest without having to do any jobs. Being a guest is an honor in itself.
Post # 16
I got married 7 months ago. This situation is sort of moot now =]
I asked a close friend to man the station and she was thrilled.We had a coffee table book, programs, and bottled water there. Plus, she was to direct people to sit “wherever” mostly to avoid the grooms side vs bride side thing (i had um, 5 family members come? DH had 90+. Yeah).
Apparently, people DO NOT know how to sign a guest book or pick up a program because people kept asking her what to do and where to sit and all kinds of random questions. But she was perfectly trhilled to do so =]