Post # 1
About a week ago I make the terrible mistake of attempting to shoplift. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of what I did. It was a moment when I felt the world crushing in on me. I was trying so hard to get through these last few weeks of planning, and everything kept coming at me. My father is continuing to ask me for money to help him, even though I’m broke. My poor fiancé is paying so much more for our wedding than I am, even though I’m doing everything I can. My family has offered no help (financially or otherwise). I live 2 hours away from my FI, I miss him all of the time and spend so much time driving back to see him. I have so much I need to be doing at work, but I’m not doing my job well right now, since everything else is a mess. My FI has made it known that he is disappointed that his family has to pick up slack where my family is not helping, and that he has to pay for the wedding where I can’t. I was standing there feeling helpless, hopeless, hurt, guilty . . . and I made such a stupid move, thinking I had to do it. I’m so upset with myself . . .
I have to go to court after our wedding. I haven’t been able to tell him what happened yet. I was really close last night, but he was so happy and excited . . . it breaks my heart to think about spoiling our wedding for him. I’m already so sad and angry with myself for adding this to our wedding—I want to protect him these feelings I’m having. Part of me wants to tell him, I need his support so badly. But the other part of me doesn’t want to tarnish our wedding for him. I know I need to tell him, and maybe it will make him feel bad and relate that to the wedding, but I don’t know if I can do that to him right now. We have so much to do in the next 2.5 weeks, and then it will be our wedding day. Is it wrong of me to want to protect him from these feelings until after?
I know he will be disappointed in me, just like I am myself. I have faith he will grant me understanding and forgiveness. True, it doesn’t make me feel good to think he may think less of me after I tell him, and I’d rather not have that be a memory on our wedding day. But, in all honesty, I sincerely want to wait for his sake . . . I told my priest, completed confession and penance. I didn’t ask him what I should tell my FI. I feel like I’ve messed everything up! I’ll either ruin everything for him now, or tell him once we’re married and have him feel like I lied to him while we were getting married! I can’t believe this is happening . . .
Please, especially the married bees—am I doing the right thing to tell him after the wedding? How would you have felt hearing this before your wedding? Would you forgive him? Would you be angry that this was now a part of your wedding? Would you wish he would have waited instead of adding this? I feel like my heart is just going to give out on me any moment . . . I feel so torn up right now . . .
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@InTrouble105: I would want my FI’s support in dealing with this. He needs to know and sooner rather than later because he will probably be pretty hurt and possibly angry that you held off on telling him. It may help him understand how stressed and guilty you are about him paying for everything. But I vote telling him ASAP, today in fact.
Post # 4
You need to tell him now – not after the wedding. You won’t be thinking of this on your wedding day you’ll be thinking of only happy things on your wedding day so it will not ruin your wedding day. However you can’t hide this from him – that could be something that could ruin your marriage. How would you feel if he did something like this and after the wedding told you “Oh by the way this happened . . ” Telling him after the wedding is waaaay worse.
Post # 5
@InTrouble105: please do not wait until after the wedding. tell him immediately. how terrible would it feel saying your vows knowing you are keeping this from him? i don’t say this in order to make you feel worse, i just think it’s best to get this weight off your chest and go into your wedding having shared this with him.
Post # 6
@InTrouble105: You cannot and should not wait until after. One, you need his support. Two, it is most definitely NOT fair to him to have to wait to find out this information until after you pretty much have him bound to you. I think this is something you can get through and something he should be able to deal with, but you will be making a huge mistake by telling him afterwards.
Post # 7
@InTrouble105: You need to tell him before the wedding plain and simple. I’d be super pissed off if I found out after the wedding and felt like you tricked me. I wouldn’t not marry someone because of this one offense, but I’d be so angry if you didn’t tell me beforehand. Just blurt it out quick – rip it off like a band aid. Good luck!
Post # 8
You guys are right . . .
I know he’s going to be upset that now I’ll have lawyer cost too. I’m just feeling like a big **** up. This is all he’s wanted for 4 years and I’m messing everythign up.
I hope it won’t be a part of our wedding day . . .
Thank you for you honest, but gentel advice. I needed it.
Post # 9
Tell him before the wedding. If you wait until after, I don’t think you’ll tell him and you’ll have to hide anything that comes out of it and then it’s a string of lies. Tell him, I almost guarantee he’ll be understanding and supportive!
Post # 10
You certainly should tell him sooner rather than later. The longer that you wait, the worse it will seem. You’re a human being, you made a mistake, it happens! But you do need to tell your FI, no matter how hard it may be.
Post # 11
Tell him right now!!!!! Seroiusly. Like get off wedding bee and go tell him. He will likely be upset but he will only be more upset the longer you wait. And that goes up exponentially if you wait until after the marriage. Also, the sooner you tell him, the sooner he can start getting over it so that it doesn’t have to still be an issue on wedding day. The longer you wait the more likley it is that he will still be upset on wedding day. So do it now. And he loves you. He’ll get over it. We’re all human. It was a mistake, but not the end of the world.
As a recently married bee I would have been upset if I found this out about my fiance 2.5 weeks before the wedding. But I would be completely outraged if I found out that he had kept it from me until after the wedding. TELL HIM NOW!!!!!
Post # 12
You must tell him now! It can be worse keeping it until after, as he might wonder what else are u keeping from him. You also need all the support you can get. Be honest. Good luck!
Post # 13
Tell him right away. Depending on the cost of what you were trying to shoplift & any existing record, you might be able to get off fairly easy. Either way, it will be much easier with your FI’s assistance.
You need to figure out how you will afford a lawyer.
Post # 14
@InTrouble105: ((HUGS)) Wow, yes, you made a huge mistake. But I agree with everyone else, you need to tell your FI right away! Everyone makes mistakes in life and you’re paying the consequences. Tell him, apologize to him, ask for his help and support and, above all – promise him you will never, ever do something so foolish again. He loves you – he’ll understand!
I wish you all the best!
Post # 15
@InTrouble105: A marriage will be for better or for worse. This is the type of thing that will make you stronger together – if you tell him now. Be careful in how you word it to him – you want to be very careful that it doesn’t come across as you saying it’s his fault you did this (not saying you would, just making sure it’s something you are aware of). Everyone makes mistakes and the important thing is that you learn from it. My fiance unfortunetly got into some trouble himself right before we met but I he was so ashamed of it, and was so honest with me about it that there was no way I could hold it against him. I actually trust him MORE from going through that.
Now – if your fiance turns his back on you over this, don’t you want to know before the wedding that he won’t be there through the thick and thin of life challenges?
Don’t beat yourself up over this – seriously, we all have moments where we lack better judgement. You didn’t rob a bank, and it sounds like you’ve learnt your lesson – you’re fine 🙂 You sound so incredibly sad in your post that I just want to give you a tea, chocolate and a hug – then help you with your wedding! Chin up darling 🙂
Post # 16
@deetroitwhat: The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I have no prior record, and it’s Theft 5th, or petty theft. I’ve already taken an online class in hopes that will aid the case being dismissed . . . but I still think I need a lawyer . . . You’re right. I’m going to drive back and tell him tonight.