- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
(Disclaimer: I did not proofread this or edit my thoughts at all, so bear with me if I sound like a loon. I am exhausted and upset, and just need to let it all out.)
SO dropped a bomb tonight. He said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I’d rather put a security deposit down on a new apartment than get you a ring.”
Basically, we live in a mouse/centipede-infested shit hole with a possibly dangerous electrical wiring system. I know it is the responsible thing to do to move but I am just so worried about money now, let alone the fact that I’m totally devastated that now I won’t get to share with my long-distance family that I’m engaged when I see them next month.
SO wants us to move into a ridiculously expensive apartment, because he can afford that now. But he just won’t think about the fact that we need to have money left over each month for savings, both for the wedding and for general/retirement/rainy day funds. We’ve agreed that a $5000 wedding is what we want, but with this expensive apartment he wants us to move to he might not be able to save up that much in a year (we want to get married next summer).
Oh yeah, and I’m unemployed (or will be, starting in three weeks). My internship is letting me go and I am not currently job hunting because I realized through my internship that I’m unhappy in my current career path. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I’m about to become unemployed, and the prospect of having that one constant in my life — that SO and I would be engaged/married — was all that was keeping me sane.
I know it’s the marriage that matters. I know we could go to city hall and call it a day. But to me, that wedding is important too. I want to celebrate with our families. I want to share that day with them. I want to see SO’s face as I walk down the aisle. I want to say those vows in front of our community. I want to dance with my grandma at my wedding, and be able to give her the gift of dancing with me at my wedding, something I know would mean a lot to her. I want to have a happy day of celebration to start our lives to look back on 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now.
In one sentence SO crushed my hopes for all that. I feel like I have to give up all my wedding dreams, however small they may have been, because with his stupid expensive apartment we are never going to be able to save enough money up, and he’s never going to have enough to buy a ring (and I asked already if we could get a cheaper ring, if I could wear my mom’s ring [which I do have and does fit my ring finger], or if we could just be engaged without a ring for now, all of which he said no to).
I know we need to move. Our apartment sucks, it’s too small, there’s pests everywhere, there’s no room for ANY of our stuff, our landlord is a sleazball, the house we’re in is possibly dangerous…but SO just won’t comprehend the fact that we don’t need to move to The Most Expensive Apartment he can afford just because he can now.
Not to mention that our student loan payments start back up in November and December, and that’s going to be an extra $500/mo between the two of us that we’ll have to pay each month. Bye bye wedding fund!!
I feel like I want to puke. I was soooooo close finally to being engaged and getting to share that excitement with our community and loved ones and getting to finally have my “turn” as a bride-to-be, but now…I feel like I’m back at square one. And it’s all because of my most loathed enemy: money.