Post # 1
We just got married a few months ago so I still feel like I am figuring sex out, but I’m wondering how long it usually takes to achieve an orgasm. Even with lots of clitoral stimulation/relaxation, it gets to the point of feeling really, really, really good, but not obviously an orgasm. I admit, I am pretty lazy in bed and have tried to be on top, but just get frustrated because it’s hard to gauge what feels good or not. We’ve tried other positions, but everything feels just okay, and at least missionary feels more sweet/romantic. Even oral doesn’t get me there. Is it time to try a vibrator? That feels like a last resort, but maybe it’s time to try?
Post # 2
Nothing’s wrong with missionary if that’s what you like! For us, it always gets the job done even after other positions. Have you ever had an orgasm, or never? Try having your partner stimulate your clitoris slowly until it gets hard, then have him go a little rougher. Idk, that’s what works for me when I’m having an off day. Good luck!
Post # 3
Some woman just can’t through sex alone. Have you been able to with other guys? Can you get off on your own? You said you are still getting used to being married… do you mean to say you were a virgin when you got married or at least with him?
The good thing about sex is that it’s free any night of the week. If you are still getting used to it, then play! Don’t look at it as a challenge- you’ll just get frustrated. Try new things, it’s all a trial-and-error thing.
Post # 4
It takes a long time sometimes, maybe 20-30 mins or more depending on the person. if you know how to help get yourself there it can be just a few mins. So you may just need to be more persistent! Go past the point where it feels really really good, maybe you’re just giving up too soon. and try tightening your pelvic muscles when it gets to that point too.
Also, don’t look at a vibrator as a last resort! It can be fun and sexy and definitely can get you there. 🙂
Post # 5
Definitely get a vibrator…once your body knows how to orgasm, it’s generally easier for you to orgasm during sex. This was my experience at least.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I’ve been having sex for 25 years and I have had an orgasm during sex ONCE (without manual stimulation, I mean). It just doesn’t happen for me unless I make it happen.
But OP, it sounds like maybe you’ve never orgasmed? I’d get a vibrator and go slowly with it. Practice by yourself if it’s more comfortable. Then when you get the hang of it, you can figure out how to make things work with both of you.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
em370: Try masturbating by yourself to figure out what works. Have him join in once you get the hang of it. If you don’t know what works for your, how can you direct him? Also, I very rarely get off during vaginal intercourse without additional stimulation from his fingers or tongue. Do not feel inadequate if you can’t achieve O during vaginal because most women don’t.
P.S. Use a vibrator as the last resort because once you start using one it’s difficult to stop becaue it can desensitize you to manual stimuation.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
Try masturbating. You have got to figure out what works for you before you can show him. I think you also need to learn to relax. I don’t always have an O when my finace and i have sex but i always enjoy it.
Post # 9
Try masterbating to see what works for you. Maybe have a glass of wine first to relax. I’ve been pretty lucky in the O department. I’d suggest trying a pillow under your bum during intercourse as well. The change in angle feels amazing.
Post # 10
em370: I’ve never had a guy give me an orgasm. FI was a bit bothered by this for awhile, but we eventually found a rhythm that works for us. I have a small vibrator that I can use during sex or I use it before or after while he stimulates me in other ways. That way he’s involved so it’s still very intimate.
Post # 11
I agree with PP, but in addition, I wouldn’t give up on different positions just yet! I couldn’t imagine only doing missionary, in fact we barely do it anymore… we just think there are so many better ones out there. I love being on top, I used to feel awkward with it at first too and now I can orgasm in 5 minutes flat every time… it’s all practice practice practice!
Post # 12
em370: Well, do you masturbate? I couldn’t orgasm with my partner until I taught myself how to orgasm by myself. No vibrator needed, my hand is my best friend. Seriously, orgasming gets easier with practice. After a decade of having sex, I’m a total pro.
Besides, if you get good with your hand, you can still touch yourself in various positions and men really like the visual.
EDIT- It’s really important to realize that MOST women can’t come from simple vaginal penetration. Clitoral stimulation needs to happen during or he can do oral or manual with his hand.
Post # 13
Echoing a few other PPs: try masturbating. I also waited until marriage for sex, but did masturbate beforehand so I knew what worked.
Post # 14
Mircat: Thank you! Yes, I have never ever had one so it’s frustrating. A lot of times, I just get to the point where stimulating my clit, but it feels too good and I just want to have sex, but it doesn’t feel like I’m actually orgasming.
sarahalthea: Yes, I was a virgin when I got married. Thank you. I do need to try new things; I start to feel like my options are missionary/doggy style/me on top/reverse cowgirl/lying on my stomach….and none of those are super enjoyable. I kind of wonder if it is because I am bigger than he is and that affects it?
beachbride1216: I touch myself a lot before sex/while he is touching me, but even though it feels good, it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Yes, I am afraid that if I start using a vibrator, it will desensitize me.
Everyone is saying to relax, but I guess I usually do feel relaxed/take a bath/drink wine, etc.
I’ve tried a pillow under me, but it hasn’t really felt differently.
I definitely realize that it takes a lot of clitoral stimulation, up to 30 minutes of it, but I feel frustrated because we always have a lot of foreplay/clit stimulation/lube, touching myself and it just hasn’t happened yet.
nessdawwg: haha, yes, I need to practice more! I just feel awkward being on top.
Thanks, everyone! I appreciate your suggestions.
Post # 15
This may sound strange, but orgasms take a lot of concentration for me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to experience one during sex. Sex is too “in the moment” and I just don’t think I could stop and concentrate on the just the orgasm. I would kind of have to tune him out and that really defeats the purpose of sex.
If you’ve never had one, don’t expect it during sex. Try to fantasize while he is stimulating you. Concentrate on your own body and what feels good. Give him direction. Some times I need direct clitoral stimulation, sometimes indirect. If he is stimuating my clit directly, it actually hurts a bit at first. Not pain, exactly, but almost like I want to back away. I have him go gentle, but slowly apply more pressure. SOmetimes, I also get a ticklish feeling that I want to get away from, but if I push through it, it becomes pleasurable. If you find yourself getting frustrated, just stop trying for the time being and just enjoy the sex and the fun stuff without looking for the “O”. Good luck! You’ll get there. Its amazing when you do.