- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 2016 - Rosewater Room
Hello all you lovely bees,
Long time lurker, first time poster! I wanted to get a sense of what other people thought about a situation that happened to me and my BF. We’ve discussed this at length and I suggested posting it here to see what other bees thought of it and he was curious about what the community would have to say! 😛
We went to an engagement party of our friends recently; we’re not close with the couple but BF has been friends with the groom-to-be for a long time and I like the bride- and groom-to-be, although I don’t know them super well. After clarifying some invitation details, we were told to show up later in the evening, so we got there before 8. My BF asked the groom-to-be what kind of gift they’d like (or something along those lines, he fished a bit to find out what was appropriate) and the groom-to-be did specify, so we got a very generous gift that catered to both of their tastes.
When we arrived, we were greeted by the couple and pretty much left to our own devices. We had some friends we knew well and we hung out with them, but generally felt pretty awkward because our little group didnt know anyone else (lots of family we’ve never met) and weren’t introduced to anyone. I talked the bride-to-be when we arrived and not again until we left. We stayed for over two hours and then decided to leave as it was awkward and uncomfortable and I wasn’t having a good time (BF wasn’t having a bad time but he understood why I and our other friends weren’t having a great time). Said our goodbyes and off we went.
The next day, BF gets a thank you text from the groom-to-be about the gift. A few hours later, he gets not one, but five text messages, reaming us out for leaving too early and not staying, how disappointed the groom-to-be was to see all his friends leaving (not the case, just us and another couple – the kitchen was full of people drinking and enjoying themselves), etc etc. In these text messages, the groom-to-be alluded to not inviting us to the wedding, because if we couldn’t stay for their engagement party, he doesn’t want to pay for plates for people who are going to leave their wedding early, but no, he wasn’t going to uninvite us, “just saying”. My BF is not in the wedding party.
(While I know this doesn’t affect me directly, I feel like it speaks to the sitution) My best friend and my BF’s best friend are dating – they showed up too and brought a very generous gift, especially since they spend less time with the couple than we do and my best friend barely knows either of them. When THEY decided to leave (before us, but not by much), the bride-to-be gave my BF’s best friend the gears, trying to be joking but not really joking, making a comment about how when he got his house, she was going to not show up to his party so he could feel what it was like. They received a thank you for showing up text, but no acknowledgement of the gift they gave (and they’re both upset about that). The groom-to-be’s text to them seemed to be fishing so he could complain about them leaving too but BF’s best friend knew better than to respond.
We’re pretty upset about the entire thing. I think it was entirely inappropriate and tactless of the groom-to-be to ream out my BF at all. We’re your friends and we care about you and want to show our support of your engagement. We made a point of coming to the party because we’re happy for you, we brought a gift, we stayed, and then when it was time for us to go, we left (which I would say covers the bases of requirements of your guests, no?). It doesn’t matter how LONG we came to your party for, the point is that we came to show our support (and really, how long WOULD have been enough to avoid those nasty text messages? Exactly who determines the appropriate amount of time to stay at a party…). The bride- and groom-to-be were focused on their other guests the entire time we were there (again, mostly family that had been there longer than us). We weren’t introduced to anyone, I spent about 2 minutes with the bride-to-be (saying hello and goodbye) and maybe 20 minutes with the groom – and that’s OK! You’re hosting a party, I don’t expect to spend all night with you, but some introductions to your family, bridal party, etc would have been nice. I would have felt more included if they’d actually tried to include us in the party that was already going on when we arrived.
If the situation were reversed and for some reason I was angry about it, I most certainly would NOT say anything to the couple in question. I would have talked it over with my BF (see if he felt the same) and gotten a feel out for the situation, maybe asked another friend or two before even considering saying something. I would have waited to say anything beause sometimes, your temper can get the best of you and feelings can be hurt (as they have been here). Besides which, if someone could only come to my engagement party for half an hour, I’d be happy they took the time out of their busy lives (who isn’t busy these days?) to be with us, if even only for a few moments and a drink.
Could I have tried harder to mingle and talk to people? I’m sure I could have but I don’t think the onus should all be on me and my BF to fend for ourselves at a party where we know just a handful of people. We host parties all the time and when I have someone who doesn’t know anyone, I make a point of introducing them to someone (eventually, to everyone) I think they can get a conversation started with so they can feel more comfortable.
Everyone I’ve talked to so far has agreed with me about our initial reaction of being angry and hurt. The worst part about this is that its damaged a friendship, simply because we left a party after a few hours. Is it really worth it to throw nasty words around about a few hours? I’m curious to hear other people’s opinions on this. I’ve tried to see it from both sides but I still feel like he shouldn’t have said anything to my BF. Thoughts?