Inappropriate father-in-law

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1886 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

vanessa7:  Open a new account and move all the money.

Post # 3
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

You don’t need your father-in-law to open a new account and deposit your money into it. I didn’t even know you could add a spouse onto one of those joint accounts (I thought they were for children/students). You guys need your own bank account. 

Now, I am someone who doesn’t like to discuss money in public, but I do think that it’s almost impossible for parents not to worry about their children’s finances. He’s always going to be your husband’s dad, and he’s always going to worry. He’s also an accountant, so not only does he have that fatherly sense that he knows best, but he has it professionally too. I’m sure he’s only trying to help.

You don’t know that he snooped into your account. Even if he did, surely you have more than one account so he wouldn’t assume he was getting a complete picture of your finances. The easiest way to deal with this is to open an account for just you and your husband and move on.

Post # 4
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

In high school, my bank account was also in my mom’s name. I still have that account, but I’m switching to a different bank because this exact reason. “Why are these charges on your account!!?” “Rent checks? Grocery bills?” 

I wouldn’t say anything – it would just cause more drama than it’s worth, most likely. Just go ahead and open a new account. 

Post # 5
Member
11731 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would never have my bank account tied to my inlaws.  From the start, we would have had our own (and we did).

You need to move the money out of that account and open it so he can’t get into it.  There is no reason your father in law should be monitoring your spending.

Post # 7
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My dad makes comments like this all the time. (but not to my FI, thank goodness.) He keeps asking me about my savings, how I’m affording to go on vacation, ect. I really just have to let them roll. It comes from a good place, but over time I have just goten to the point where I nod, I smile, and I move on. I am sure that your FI has heard it all before too, which is probably why he didn’t think it was overly rude. I would talk to your FI about why it is rude, and how you have to disconnect your finances from any interference.

Post # 8
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

vanessa7:  If it’s just the credit card then, open a new one that isn’t connected to FFIL then cancel the Chase card (especially if there’s an annual fee) or leave it open, just don’t use it. At all.

I would also chat with your FI to let him know how you feel about this and your expectations for how it should be handled. Talk it out and see where he is on things. I think moving accounts will help, but you also may have to tell your FI that you don’t want your financial lives discussed with his father at all.

Post # 9
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

When DH and I got married, the SAME thing happened to us. We moved all the money over to our account from the one he had with his dad. More annoying, my IL opened up his mail after we moved. It was so infuriating because we originally opened up our joint account and put his parents house address on the account since we were moving in a few short months and didnt have an address yet. 

We didnt change the address fast enough and they had to mail our first two statements to us. The envelopes were both open. Even though my name was on it as well. It was infuriating. My husbands other mail was open as well, but I didn’t care as much about that because our main account was seriously nobody’s business. We had a lot of money in the account from all of our wedding gifts and I really didn’t want them knowing how much we had in there. I changed all our addresses on everything immediately. 

Post # 10
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Open a new joint account for the two of you, withdraw every single dime from that other account. and politely tell your father in law to mind his damn business!!! the absolute gawl of that man to comment on your money and what you do with it. I’d have told him where to go an how to get there!!!

Post # 11
Member
9531 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I also am of the school of thought that I don’t like to talk about money with people other than my husband. I’m pretty good at avoiding those conversations at this point. But not everybody is like that. Clearly your FIL is not like that. There are lots of these types of subjects – politics, religion, health, etc. Some people are just more private than other.

All that being said, I definitely understand why you’re not comfortable talking about finances with FIL and would recommend removing him from the account so that he doesn’t have access. But that’s not going to stop all conversation about finances. He works with money and so he’s more likely to have it on the brain and want to talk about it. And I think it’s coming from a loving place – he wants what’s best for you and your husband. And he probably doesn’t think it’s rude because he sees himself as invested in your husband’s life, so to him, it is his business. Not saying he’s right. But it’s hard for a parent, who’s used to being very involved with their kid to let go of all these things, especially if you guys are on the younger side of things. Time will help. If you guys are responsible with your money he will see that and eventually come to respect your financial decisions.

I recommend pleasantry and redirection:

FIL: You guys should save more for retirement!

You: We’ve actually got a financial planner who says we’re on a good track for retirement, but thanks for your cocnern. (smile) Can you believe what’s going on in Ukraine? 

Post # 12
Member
7084 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have your DH call the credit card company and remove his father’s name. DH just had to do this recently and they had no problem removing his mother’s name from his account. Or heck, just get a new card all together. It’s not worth the annoyance or someone being nosy about your finances.

Post # 13
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wish one of my parents would try and comment on my money habits, let alone have access to any of my accounts. As an adult, it’s none of their business what I do with my money. If im not spending their money, that’s all they should be concerned with. You need to open an entirely seperate account, withdraw all funds from that other account and never give him access. Next time he tries to bring this up simply say “im sorry but I think it’s in poor taste to discuss money with family or anyone really so please don’t ask us about that again, it’s not a topic that is up for discussion, thanks”

If it’s a credit card, than your FI needs to ditch that card and get one of his own that’s not connectred to his father. Time to cut ties. I had a credit card with my mother when I ws in college. As soon as there was a comment on what I was buying, I cut that shit off.

Post # 14
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

vanessa7:  hunny I could write a BOOK on how inappropriate my IL’s are when it comes to commenting on/asking about our finances, but I will hold it in so I can answer lol…

YOU guys go your own bank or a diff one (if your regular bank acct is with chase) and open your own card?? I think you can do it online or over the phone too. Even if its not as high a limit or whatever who CARES…. just as long as you have enough for your normal use until you can get off that other one. Just pay off what you owe on the joint card and just use the new one. Top 3 reasons marriages split up: Inlaws, sex, money…… when you mix two of them???? look out

In order to have a healthy adult relationship with parents/family when you get married your supposed to seperate from them a) physically b) emotionally, c) financially. Parents and adult “children” need to form a new family bond with their S.O and the parents need to let them go…….and the biggest things that get in the way of that are when the “kids” are still living under mom dads roof, confiding in parents for emotional support instead of S.O, and having FINANCIAL TIES between parents and child!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  shanbp.
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