Post # 1
A little background:
DH has a 20 year old daughter. They don’t see each other often but there isn’t any drama. She is welcome to come by any time but it doesn’t happen often. When she is home from college she is about 30 minutes away from our home. For father’s day, I have always done something for DH. His daughter will call maybe send a card but I can only recall one father’s day that she spent with us in our many years together.
This year, I am expecting my first child with DH. I am planning on celebrating father’s day with him as I always have. Should I include his daughter in our plans? I’ve never invited her but she is always welcome she just has never shown any interest in spending the day with him. Honestly, I have always felt it is more a day for she and DH than DH and me.
My true and honest feelings are that she’s an adult, she has no problem hooking up with her friends for dinner etc. etc. She has a car and should make the effort. I don’t feel that I should need to facilitate this. But I recognize that I can be a rigid, black and white kind of person so I am interested in other perspectives.
Post # 3
@jjilyeah: I would just contact her & ask if she had plans for him, if not then tell her what you have planned & that of course she is always invited & your sure he would love to have her there.
You don’t *need* to facilitate it per say, but it would be nice if she knew the plans and could then either join or decline. It’s a bit less work on her part than having to plan/coordinate something herself.
Post # 4
Just because she should, doesnt me she does (obviously)
I think its goof for your relationahip with her as well as with your husband to extend an invitation to participate in your plans.
Not all 20 year olds realize how important reaching out can be. She may “just not think about it” without provication from someone. Her own mother likely doesnt push the issue. I know my 28 year old sister would forget or downplay mothers day/fathers day if it wasnt a family-involved affair. I cant tell you the number of times I have called her to split a present knowing she didnt get anything.
Post # 5
@jjilyeah: you should def reach out and invite her. 🙂
Post # 6
I am of the belief that if someone wants to do something special for someone… they just go ahead and do it … as an adult they don’t need a push, shove, prod from someone else… and certainly not a PULL from the direction of the person they should be making the effort for.
Which is what you are proposing.
If grown daughter wants to do something for her Dad for Father’s Day, then we assume she’ll make it happen
In which case you’ll hear from her with some sort of advance notice
If she doesn’t… you won’t
I’d make your own plans for your Hubby and this special Fathers Day for the two of you…
BUT I’d also be flexible enough to realize that if his Daughter does call with a proposal to spend time with Dad that you could make adjustments…
They do Lunch…. you do Dinner
You all do something together…
Not so rigid as to say “Sorry, won’t work… we already have plans” that would be the low road to take…
She’s 20, she deserves encouragement if she makes an attempt to do the right thing…
Hope this helps,
Post # 7
@This Time Round: I feel exactly as you do. If someone wants to do something they’ll make the effort. My approach has always been as you described – make plans, she is welcome to join us and if she called with her own, hers would take precedence. It just hasn’t happened. I don’t know if the pregnancy is making me soften on this stance but I just started to think about extending the invitation.
Post # 8
TO @jjilyeah: I only commented on your post from one position, well because as older folk with adult kids ourselves, it is the one we see most often (here it is Wednesday, and none of the kids have made any mention of plans for this weekend so far… )
That isn’t to say… that you can’t extend the offer of something to your Hubby’s Daughter (didn’t mean to imply that)
“I’m planning to take your Dad out to Brunch for Father’s Day… just calling to see if you’d like to join us”
But at the same time, don’t feel obligated to be the Resident Events Coordinator for her forever either.
Post # 9
@jjilyeah: I had a thought on this.
This day is about your husband so you would be inviting her because it is something he would want and enjoy. Not because you are doing it for her sake, but his.
Reversing the situation, if your future child didnt call you the week before your bday, wouldnt you want your husband to reach out and say “we are celebrating your mom’s bday on this day, can you come?” It doenst really matter that you are the step-mom, you are arranging a celebration and, therefore, you should extend an invite.
Your not calling her to say “hey dont forget to call your dad”, you calling to say “Can you come to this event” Two different reasons completely. The first is not your responsibility, the second is.
In addition, say you are having cake and and he asks “Was X not able to come” I wouldnt want to say to him “I didnt invite her”
Post # 10
@This Time Round: But at the same time, don’t feel obligated to be the Resident Events Coordinator for her forever either. I’ve thought about this. Specifically, how long will she need to be prodded to do something for her father?
@ThreeMeers: I’ve never seen it from that perspective, thanks. I guess my feelings are if she cared she would have shown an interest. She never has. So to me it feels kind of fake to invite her because I know she could not care less. ETA: as for DH father’s day has always been open so if she had reached out to him he would have invited her.
Post # 11
It is never a bad choice in blended families to take the high road and include everyone.
Post # 12
@jjilyeah: Doing what is right, is not always doing what is fair or even. Is it fair that she doesnt reach out to her father? Is it even that you have to extend the effort when historically she couldnt? No.
But it is right that you invite her to a day that technically celebrates your husbands role in her life, despite her history. You will “win” be extending the invite. Its up to her then to decide how she wants to respond. You have done your job trying to make the day as great aas possible for your husband/ If she doesnt care, she doesnt care. But you care enough for your husband to try to include her.
Post # 13
@jjilyeah: I would ask/invite/include her. Maybe she’ll come maybe age won’t but you would at least know you tried.
Post # 14
If you’ve never invited her specifically is there a chance she doesn’t know she is “always welcome”? Maybe she has been trying not to step on toes by not just showing up all these years?
Post # 15
why she “should make the effort”? has your husband show interest in his daughter life? does he call, visit, give presents, write, know what’s going on at all?
Post # 16
@gollum: Perhaps. I just don’t know whose toes she’d be stepping on. He has no other children. I am expecting now but prior to now it would have been only she and him celebrating. I celebrated it so that someone would acknowledge it.
@bebero: Yes to all of the above. If he played no role in her life this would be a non-issue wouldn’t it?