Include StepDaughter in Father's Day plans?

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@jjilyeah:  I would just contact her & ask if she had plans for him, if not then tell her what you have planned & that of course she is always invited & your sure he would love to have her there. 

You don’t *need* to facilitate it per say, but it would be nice if she knew the plans and could then either join or decline. It’s a bit less work on her part than having to plan/coordinate something herself.

Post # 4
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just because she should, doesnt me she does (obviously)

I think its goof for your relationahip with her as well as with your husband to extend an invitation to participate in your plans.

Not all 20 year olds realize how important reaching out can be. She may “just not think about it” without provication from someone. Her own mother likely doesnt push the issue. I know my 28 year old sister would forget or downplay mothers day/fathers day if it wasnt a family-involved affair. I cant tell you the number of times I have called her to split a present knowing she didnt get anything.

Post # 5
Member
2276 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@jjilyeah:  you should def reach out and invite her. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am of the belief that if someone wants to do something special for someone… they just go ahead and do it … as an adult they don’t need a push, shove, prod from someone else… and certainly not a PULL from the direction of the person they should be making the effort for.

Which is what you are proposing.

If grown daughter wants to do something for her Dad for Father’s Day, then we assume she’ll make it happen

In which case you’ll hear from her with some sort of advance notice

If she doesn’t… you won’t

I’d make your own plans for your Hubby and this special Fathers Day for the two of you…

BUT I’d also be flexible enough to realize that if his Daughter does call with a proposal to spend time with Dad that you could make adjustments…

They do Lunch…. you do Dinner

You all do something together…

Whatever works.

Not so rigid as to say “Sorry, won’t work… we already have plans” that would be the low road to take…

She’s 20, she deserves encouragement if she makes an attempt to do the right thing…

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 8
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @jjilyeah:  I only commented on your post from one position, well because as older folk with adult kids ourselves, it is the one we see most often (here it is Wednesday, and none of the kids have made any mention of plans for this weekend so far… )

That isn’t to say… that you can’t extend the offer of something to your Hubby’s Daughter (didn’t mean to imply that)

“I’m planning to take your Dad out to Brunch for Father’s Day… just calling to see if you’d like to join us”

But at the same time, don’t feel obligated to be the Resident Events Coordinator for her forever either.

 

Post # 9
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jjilyeah:  I had a thought on this.

This day is about your husband so you would be inviting her because it is something he would want and enjoy. Not because you are doing it for her sake, but his. 

Reversing the situation, if your future child didnt call you the week before your bday, wouldnt you want your husband to reach out and say “we are celebrating your mom’s bday on this day, can you come?” It doenst really matter that you are the step-mom, you are arranging a celebration and, therefore, you should extend an invite. 

Your not calling her to say “hey dont forget to call your dad”, you calling to say “Can you come to this event” Two different reasons completely. The first is not your responsibility, the second is.

In addition, say you are having cake and and he asks “Was X not able to come” I wouldnt want to say to him “I didnt invite her”

Post # 11
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It is never a bad choice in blended families to take the high road and include everyone.

Post # 12
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jjilyeah:  Doing what is right, is not always doing what is fair or even. Is it fair that she doesnt reach out to her father? Is it even that you have to extend the effort when historically she couldnt? No.

But it is right that you invite her to a day that technically celebrates your husbands role in her life,  despite her history.  You will “win” be extending the invite. Its up to her then to decide how she wants to respond. You have done your job trying to make the day as great aas possible for your husband/ If she doesnt care, she doesnt care. But you care enough for your husband to try to include her.

 

Post # 13
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@jjilyeah:  I would ask/invite/include her. Maybe she’ll come maybe age won’t but you would at least know you tried. 

Post # 14
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If you’ve never invited her specifically is there a chance she doesn’t know she is “always welcome”? Maybe she has been trying not to step on toes by not just showing up all these years?

Post # 15
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

why she “should make the effort”? has your husband show interest in his daughter life? does he call, visit, give presents, write, know what’s going on at all?

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