Post # 1
I just got in a little tiff with my fiance, because I want to put a line in our ceremony expressing our gratefulness for the chance to wed and our hope that that right will soon be available to all who want it. I’m not talking about stopping the ceremony, drawing a ton of attention, or even using any specific buzzwords that our older relatives might find unsettling. Most of the guests probably wouldn’t even notice, but it feels right to me to have it in there.
But my fiance said he doesn’t want to do it, because he doesn’t want to have a “hipster” wedding. He’s totally pro- gay marriage, thinks it’s stupid that they’re not allowed in most states, and fully envisions it happening in the near future. But he doesn’t want to make activist comments during our wedding, thinks it’s lame to use our ceremony to plug a cause. Especially since we really have very few gay friends, so it’s not something we think/talk about very frequently, and he just feels like it’s out of nowhere.
I get it, but since we’re not thanking or praising God for the union of marriage, and we don’t believe we were brought together by fate or destiny, I want to express belief in something at our wedding. And equality seems like a damn good thing to believe in.
So I’m just trying to get a sense of what other people are doing. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being unreasonable to want to plug a cause into our ceremony? Please don’t say mean things about my fiance – he is stubborn and not the type of person to put himself out there, but he is a good person, and his reservation is purely about including this in our ceremony, not the merit of the cause itself. Thanks bees.
Post # 3
I picked other because I live in Canada, and gay marriage is legal here. I love the idea and think it’s great to put the line in there. Maybe think of exactly what you’re saying and where you want to say it, and then come back to suggest it to your fiance. Maybe if he hears how it sounds, he’ll change his mind. Are you writing your own ceremony?
Post # 4
I never thought about doing it, I think now I would think about it, if I was getting married in a place where it is not allowed. I think to express your greatfulness for this right is great and touching. I am not going to do this though casuse I’m getting married in the UK and it is allowed there so it seems out of place.
Post # 5
To me, that would be something maybe you could say during a toast at the reception. Something like “We’re so thankful we are able to be here today, and we hope that someday soon everyone will be granted the same rights we now enjoy.”
That way it sends the message without taking the focus off of YOUR vows or causing any kind of distraction during your ceremony.
Post # 6
I think you should honor your FI’s wishes. Its a good cause but he must feel like it takes away from the both of you. Can you put it in your program or say something during the reception?
Post # 7
I think it’s a beautiful idea. We’re having a quickie Elvis ceremony in Vegas, so I don’t see how we could fit it in, but if we were having readings or what have you, I would definitely want to include something, particularly since neither of us would be comfortable with quotes from the Bible. To be honest, I still feel a little guilty having a wedding at all when so many others can’t.
Are you having programs? Maybe you could include a quote from the CA decision overturning Prop 8 or the MA decision regarding same-sex marriage that talks in a general way about the benefits of marriage, with a cite to the decision? Maybe have it as one of several marriage-related quotes (i.e., you might also have one or two literary quotes along with it) on the back? That way, you’re including it in a way your husband-to-be might find less abrupt, but you’re still, in some way, giving recognition to the issue.
Post # 8
I voted for “We’re not saying anything, but we both believe in it – just think our wedding’s not the place”. I am all for gay marriage but I don’t think our wedding is the place to broadcast it.
Post # 9
I totally think it should be the couple’s choice for what words they want to include in their vows and think it’s awesome that you want to mention equality in yours. But I do think you should respect your FI’s requests and find another place to include your shared thoughts. I think KatyElle gave a great suggestion. So good I think I actually may do the same thing! I’ll have to run it by FI first, but I think he’d be the type to be cool with us including any words about equality anywhere in our wedding–he’s very outspoken about civil rights 🙂
Post # 10
@tubealloy: Oooh I really like that idea! Of course, creating programs with literary quotes would add a bunch more work, but that sounds really interesting.
Post # 11
We had a reading in our wedding from the court case that legalized same-sex marriage in Massachusetts. It was subtle enough that I thought that any relatives who aren’t so into gay marriage wouldn’t get what it was about, but also direct enough that my friends who support the cause would get it. The last line was something like “This is why civil marriage is a civil right,” which seems obvious to me, but I don’t think any of my older Catholic relatives understood what it referred to. That could be a possibility for you.
Post # 12
Live in Canada so it is not a concern for me really as we have attained that equality.
I agree with the suggestions given by @KatyElle: & @Golden139:
Post # 13
I wish I could say something about gay marriage at our wedding. But, most of FI’s family (including FI) are crazy conservative and would flip out. Our hometown is also one of the most conservative places ever. 🙁 So sad.
Post # 14
I am with you FH on this one. I don’t think that it helps the cause to make people who are against it uncomfortable at your wedding, they are your guests. It helps the cause more to give money, talk to your congressman and state legislatures, and make sure that you show up in support at rallies.
Post # 15
we both believe in it, but didn’t ask the rabbi to say anything during our Jewish ceremony, which was very personal. but we did marry in DC, where it had just been legalized.
we also had originally made our wedding website through wedding channel, which has an option for the registry that they make a donation to a charity for every purchase made off our registries. we chose HRC, which does a lot of advocacy around gay marriage. our website then said, “With each gift purchased off the couple’s registry through WeddingChannel.com, we will make a donation to the couple’s favorite charity Human Rights Campaign Foundation,” so we did draw attention to it in that way. (we also had a charity registry for other organizations too, with different causes)